


come get this love from me

by undeliveredtruth



Series: journeys [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Butt Plugs, Character Development, Comeplay, Hand Jobs, In Public, Lapdance, M/M, Mentions of past dub-con and toxic relationships, More smut tags? Yes:, Multiple Orgasms, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Overstimulation, Riding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-06-27 19:56:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 48,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15692316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeliveredtruth/pseuds/undeliveredtruth
Summary: It's not like Soonyoung's lost or like he needs someone to put him back together, no way in hell. He can do that himself, thank you very much. In the end really, Seokmin doesn't fix him, he himself is strong enough to put aside everything that doesn't matter when he feels better with Seokmin than anyone who he was ever with, and from the first time too.It's kind of amazing, how well they work together.





	1. the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you'll be enjoying this, this pairing is truly something else in terms of tension and chemistry... 
> 
> Inspired by that stupid paper kiss game on Andromeda, with how powerful Seokmin is and how well they work together without even trying, plus Soonyoung's shirt falling from his shoulder is a LOOK. Also from how at that fanmeeting where Soonyoung does his sexy dance Seokmin almost joining him is a joke, but those looks between them really aren't. 
> 
> The looks because I like visuals and they are really some of the most underrated gorgeous and just disarmingly sexy members in Seventeen (also Jihoon because he is also underrated and I love that look):
> 
> Jihoon: http://kpop.wikia.com/wiki/File:SEVENTEEN_Woozi_Going_Seventeen_promo_photo_2.png (without the denim)  
> Soonyoung: https://78.media.tumblr.com/599c3810345133b00ca35af5c91d4c5e/tumblr_or33gfehn51wnr0nro1_500.jpg (fuck this outfit truly)  
> Seokmin: https://i.pinimg.com/474x/ba/1d/02/ba1d02dbd46e106a97c7a9ac2da836e7--lee-the-latest.jpg
> 
> Listen to that song after that part in the club while you read, really recommend it! It's Murda by Chancellor, a truly fantastic song; title also comes from there. 
> 
> Enjoy the ride!

Soonyoung is not feeling better, he can admit this much. It's been weeks and while he would not let his life trip because of a man, a worthless one at that, and he's going to classes, volunteering, extracurriculars and is leading his dance team to the best of his ability, he doesn't _feel_ great. His friends picked up on it, but Soonyoung knows how to smile and be convincing, so they don't do anything like punch the dude or anything. Threatening messages were passed, but mostly Soonyoung wants to let time pass and heal because he knows he will eventually be alright.

It's not like all of a sudden he becomes unable to leave the house either. So when Jihoon tells him they're going out tonight, _Jihoon_ tells _him_ they're going out tonight, he doesn't think twice before jumping up from his bed. Jihoon is truly making an effort and Soonyoung is nothing but grateful, and he wouldn't say no in his wildest dreams.

"Will you let me pick out your clothes too?" Soonyoung asks, eagerly, because he loves putting Jihoon in things that make him look as hot as he is and accentuate his features, even though he doesn't feel like he's good looking. Soonyoung is pretty sure it's 50% of the reason Seungcheol loves him.

"Don't push it," Jihoon grumbles, but he's smiling a little bit.

"Wear the Harry Potter outfit. Do it!" he shouted after Jihoon, hoping he'd listen. Seungcheol and Jihoon hadn't been dating for that long, and from what he knows, Seungcheol has only seen Jihoon in that outfit once; it's Soonyoung's favorite and it _really_  seemed to be Seungcheol's too, so Soonyoung will do some pushing.

When Jihoon comes into his room later to nag at him for not being done, he is wearing that outfit, black and white flannel halfway tucked into ripped skinny black jeans, his thick glasses perched on his nose and his brown hair curled. Soonyoung whistles, because damn he has an eye for these things.

Jihoon and him... might have tried once because they were roommates and they both thought they could have been, but Soonyoung walked into the kitchen the morning after, took a look at Jihoon, heard him say a blank no, and Soonyoung wholeheartedly agreed. So they have been best friends and only that since, but that doesn't mean he thinks his roommate isn't hot, and it's his job as a best friend to make sure he knows and uses that well.

Soonyoung might have also taken the extra path and tied a leather band over his thigh, his blue jeans, gray shirt combo upgraded. Jihoon rolls his eyes at him, seeing right through him, and Soonyoung grins.

* * *

Seungcheol brought his friends, and along with the other people Jihoon invited, they have quite a group of people when they reach the entrance of the club. It's Jeonghan's family's club, and they're practically regulars at it because it's the most fun one around their campus and it also means that they get a table for free when it's not really crazy inside. They're in luck this time, but it's 13 of them lounging around maybe an 8-person table, and the low lighting and the hard bass of the music don't help him recognize the people he doesn't know or knows only briefly. He's sitting between Jihoon and Jeonghan, Chan almost perched in his and Jeonghan's lap, but he's mostly abandoned already for their respective boyfriends and whoever Chan is talking to. Soonyoung catches Seungcheol's eyes and the latter winks at him; Soonyoung points at himself and mouths _'thank me'_. Seungcheol does, bowing in gratitude with a hand on his chest, the other playing with the curls in Jihoon's hair. They won't last long before they're all up on each other tonight, Soonyoung calls it. Chan snickers and prods him, probably thinking of the same thing. Jihoon likes to think they're discreet.

He recognizes all of Seungcheol's friends or their friends' boyfriends, now that he thinks about it: Vernon, the cute American that's also friends with Joshua, Wonwoo, Mingyu, on whom Soonyoung maybe had a little bit of a crush on in the past, Junhui, Minghao's boyfriend, who even though they are talking to other people is wrapped around Minghao, and Seungkwan and Seokmin, the two people who he knows more because of their campus reputation of drama queens (literal and non-literal drama). Seokmin, he thinks, catches his eye and smiles at him. Soonyoung smiles back, making a note in his mind to introduce himself later to the people he doesn't actually know well.

Some of them get put on drinks duty, Jeonghan rolling his eyes and saying he'll make a tab and all of them better Venmo him later. When they come back and everybody gets their drinks, Minghao is leading Junhui to the dancefloor, Jeonghan is doing the same to Joshua, and some other people choose to trail after them, the table now only left with Jihoon and Seungcheol, who look entirely in their own world, as well as Chan, Seungkwan and Seokmin, who look like they're getting along. When Soonyoung settles next to them though, Seungkwan pulls Chan off to "dance with everybody else". Chan looks a bit confused, maybe annoyed, but he goes willingly, and now all of a sudden Seokmin is looking at Soonyoung.

"I'm Seokmin," he introduces himself, and Soonyoung notices how wide his smile is.

"Soonyoung," he answers.

Seokmin is friendly and energetic, and for some reason, the conversation flows very well. People come back, some stay to chat, some only roll their eyes, put their empty glass on the table and leave (Minghao), but Seokmin is constant next to him, and they're laughing a lot. Soonyoung is laughing more than all the times he has in the past few weeks combined, and he's genuinely enjoying himself. The lonely, kind of darker feelings are there and can't fully be ignored, but even despite them, Soonyoung is still having fun.

He's not dumb though, and he doesn't miss how sometimes Seokmin's hand will stray down to his thigh, feeling up the leather band, and so when one of his "hoe songs" come on, he asks Seokmin if he wants to dance. For a few seconds he wonders if it's the right idea, but he doesn't feel like this is a rebound; Seokmin is his type: funny and genuine, gorgeous, obviously likes Soonyoung, and when he stands up... Soonyoung makes up his mind.

Soonyoung won't lie and now that he's gotten up and taken the first step, he'll admit he's kind of into Seokmin a lot, actually. Besides having a beautiful face and a personality a thousand times more beautiful than that, Seokmin is drop dead gorgeous too, in a simple black button-up and black jeans combination that does make Soonyoung want to die a little bit. He's a bit taller than Soonyoung, well built and thick, matching his gorgeous smile, and Soonyoung's attraction level spikes through the roof when he checks him out, not that obviously, he hopes. Soonyoung is a _bit_ superficial.

Seokmin lets himself be led by Soonyoung, walking slowly through the packed dancefloor, through the groups of people and to the side of dancefloor where none of their friends are and where the lights don't shine that bright. Soonyoung has been here often.

By the time they get there though, the song has faded out, and a familiar beat comes on. It's Un Haeng Il Chi, one of their friends' crew's songs, which makes Soonyoung wants to kill Jeonghan a little bit because it's his doing and he wants to be supportive, but _he really picked the right timing there_. Seokmin also knows the song because he laughs a little bit, and Soonyoung can't help but do the same thing. It's a bit weird, he won't lie, awkward to attempt grinding on someone who's only been a little bit acquainted with with their friends’ rap in their ears, but Seokmin doesn't seem to mind it, so Soonyoung won't either. They dance at an appropriate distance, a bit hesitant maybe, until the song shifts again into a slower, sexier beat, and Soonyoung says fuck it and presses himself against Seokmin, hands locking behind his neck.

Seokmin's a naturally good dancer and Soonyoung almost praises whatever gods exist when his hands settle on Soonyoung's hips, hot and heavy. It feels really nice, not awkward or rushed to go further like these things tend to usually go. So Soonyoung takes his time to enjoy the dancing, the slow grind of their hips, his face in Seokmin's shoulder. Seokmin quickly adapts to what Soonyoung does, moves to fit him, tentatively running his hands over his hips and waist.

The bass changes and then his [favorite hoe song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7HJ2J2ZlnY) comes on, all probably Jeonghan's doing, and Soonyoung is emboldened. In one fluid motion, he turns around, back flush against Seokmin's chest, rolling his hips to the slow beat. The song heightens all of the sensations, the tension now so thick it fills the space around them. Soonyoung's never gone home alone after dancing to this song, and looks like tonight won't be any different.

His hand sneaks in Seokmin's hair behind him, gripping it and Seokmin gets the hint, placing wet kisses on Soonyoung's neck. Soonyoung feels him getting hard behind him and he's not too far away, pressing more insistently. It can't get better, he thinks, not here, and Soonyoung has half a mind to drag Seokmin out so they can get somewhere. But then Seokmin's hands move, his left arm encircling his waist, pulling him even more flush against his hard chest, if possible, while the other moves against his throat, not pressing, just a heavy weight keeping Soonyoung in place with his head twisted to the side.

_Fuck._

Soonyoung is so hot and so turned on now he's getting dizzy, breathing hard. Seokmin whispering in his ear registers something about a kiss and Soonyoung nods, his Adam's apple bobbing against the long fingers on his throat. He's usually much more in control than this but he can't seem to muster any of it now; despite his genuine personality and light attitude, Seokmin is so forceful and acts like he knows what he wants, and what he wants is to ruin Soonyoung.

He didn't expect it at all but fuck he's so into it, into the strong kisses Seokmin places on his lips, the bad angle not allowing them to do much more. Even so, through the haze, Soonyoung thinks it's the hottest kiss he's ever had. It's downright dirty and Soonyoung loves it, loves the exact way Seokmin's holding him right now, and his mind can't help but supply the imagery of Seokmin holding up like that but against a wall in a room, fucking the brains out of him, making him choke.

_Fuck x100._

Mentally high-fiving himself for the foresight to bring them to the darker place of the club, Soonyoung turns around quickly because he needs Seokmin right now, locking his arms behind Seokmin's head and kissing him with all the passion he can muster. Seokmin kisses back just as eagerly, hands pressing on his lower back. They're putting on a show even if it's dark and they seem to realize it, breaking apart. Soonyoung takes two seconds to let the world tilt back on its axis before looking at Seokmin.

"Please tell me you're okay with getting out of here."

"Yes, of course," Seokmin answers, smiling again even with his gaze hooded and his lips shiny, like he didn't just ruin Soonyoung's life.

Soonyoung pulls his phone out of his pocket to see a slew of messages from his friends. Jihoon's is the latest: 'I'm going to Seungcheol's, if you don't take him home I'm killing you in the morning.'

Jeonghan's are more explicit, like he's narrating how he's seeing them and how Soonyoung should get it, eventually saying his phone is dead and picking up Joshua's. There's too many emojis with their tongue out and water drops, so he just puts his phone back.

"My roommate's gone, so we can just go to mine?" Soonyoung asks, a bit more sheepish, because outside of the haze, it's now a bit awkward.

"Okay," Seokmin answers, and Soonyoung drags him out by the hand, almost throwing himself on the street in the hurry to catch a taxi.

* * *

Honestly Soonyoung doesn't even know how he made it back without tripping, injuring himself or something, with how much attention he was paying to his surroundings (read: none.) Seokmin is worse though, having banged his head on the coat rack they kept in the hall; it was really short and really out there, Soonyoung was used to it, but he forgot to tell Seokmin, so now they are both laughing, leaning on the wall of the hallway. It breaks the ice for sure, and while Soonyoung should probably be a better host, he kind of wants that gorgeous mouth on him, and wants them both in his bed now, so he does just that.

"How do you... usually do this? Do you prefer umm... topping or...?" There is probably a more tactful way to ask this but Soonyoung is kinda hard and Seokmin is kinda slowly grinding in his lap on his bed now and he'd like to know quickly, if possible.

"We also don't have to go all the way though! We can do like whatever! Or not, whatever!" he adds rushedly when Seokmin doesn't answer, adding a little laugh at the end because he is chill. He is chill. If his voice breaks a little, no one needs to know.

Seokmin smiles one of those large smiles that curve his eyes into crescents, and this time it's Soonyoung's heart that jumps a little, not his lower region. He's a bit emotional and a sucker for people with pretty, honest smiles when they come from genuine and funny people especially. It's like Seokmin took a neat glittery pen and ticked all the boxes under the 'Soonyoung's type' mental list he keeps for some reason. 

"I mean, I do both. What do you prefer?" he asks, and his smile has reached his voice, making Soonyoung grin too. If Seokmin can make him feel so giddy during sex and they haven't even started, Soonyoung is a bit fucked.

"Me too, but I was thinking maybe... do you wanna do me?" Not that Soonyoung wouldn't appreciate those thighs flexing while Seokmin bounces on him, but maybe another time. "You look like... like you'd do it well."

Now he's blushing, and he doesn't know where that came from. Seokmin catches on it and looks like he wants to tease him, and Soonyoung might not survive. He's brought this upon himself, really.

"Really? Why do you think that?" he asks, still smiling, although it turns a bit heavy, and Soonyoung blushes harder. He's not that shy usually, just plans things a bit better, so he musters up the composure to say what's on his mind. He's usually pretty good with words and Seokmin also looks like he's into some good dirty talk from the direction his prodding is going, so he moves things a bit.

"When you put your hand on my thigh at the table and squeezed it like that, I kinda knew." Like he knew what Soonyoung would say, Seokmin is already putting his hands on Soonyoung's thighs to move them so his hips are cradled between Soonyoung's legs instead of him straddling Soonyoung. He feels already exposed and a bit heated with how easily Seokmin moved him. "Also... your kisses are kinda hard. When we were dancing, the way you held me. You looked like you could take me hard and still make me laugh, and I'm kinda... into that."

"You thought about it a lot, seems like," he throws, his hands running over Soonyoung's thighs and his stomach, a little bit under his shirt. Fuck, Soonyoung's never met anyone who is as patient and as into talking as foreplay as him, so he's kinda starstruck. Seokmin seems to like it too though, spurring him on, watching him, waiting for Soonyoung to say more. It's really exciting.

"The taxi ride here was hell, I'll tell you that." Seokmin is now running his fingers down the ridges of his abs under his shirt, which Soonyoung is very proud of, honestly, so he's a bit motivated now. "You had your hands on your thighs and I was thinking of how well they would look on mine, spreading me out, you between them. Kinda like now."

"Tell me more, then," Seokmin says, he tries calmly, but he's not looking in Soonyoung's eyes and he sounds really affected as well, and Soonyoung kind of grins to himself. His shirt might have not been on him with how far up Seokmin pushed it, so Soonyoung engages his core and sits up to pull it over his head. If it makes his abs stand out a bit more too, well...

"Your hands look so good, I couldn't help but imagine your fingers in me. I would like that a lot..." Maybe he breaks a little on the last phrase because Seokmin presses closer, aligning their crotches together.

There's nothing that compares to the experience of finding out how somebody feels against you for the first time, or what ticks them and gets them worked up, and Soonyoung kind of likes the awkwardness that comes with it. The little bit of over-exaggeration when it's not needed or that holding back when you don't know how the person will take it, he likes that. So maybe it doesn't feel smooth yet and it's a bit off, but the build-up is worth it, _so worth it._ So he pushes up against Seokmin a little bit, grinds against him harder, hard-on straining against his jeans. Sometimes he'd hold out more during foreplay, would almost be able to come, but he really likes Seokmin, and it's proving kind of hard.

"I really want you to fuck me," he says, breathless, and Seokmin looks on the same page.

"Can I suck you off first? I kinda... wanted to do that."

"God yes please."

Seokmin doesn't waste a breath in popping the button on his pants, taking his leather band off and pulling them down quickly, which should have been harder considering Soonyoung was wearing almost the tightest jeans he owned. Seokmin is strong, _fuck_. His own clothes disappear, and Soonyoung is struck for a second, admiring just how gorgeous he is. 

It doesn't last long, Seokmin making brief eye contact with Soonyoung when he moves back up, tongue flicking out to lick over Soonyoung's abs. One of his hands is playing with Soonyoung's cock, tracing it over his boxers, and they just got from 0 to 100 so quick Soonyoung definitely lets out some embarrassingly eager sounds. Seokmin is playing with him but not in a mean, teasing way, but genuinely eager to please, to see Soonyoung unravel under his hands.

The mood has gotten heavy so quickly that Soonyoung doesn't mind when Seokmin makes quick work of his boxers as well, throwing them on the floor with Soonyoung's aid, who only barely lifts his hips. Seokmin also doesn't waste any time in flattening his tongue over Soonyoung's cock, making the slide of his hand easy and slick, the sudden sensation so intense Soonyoung's eyes close on their own accord. Seokmin is eager and unrelenting, like Soonyoung figured, licking over his tip and sucking it in his mouth while his hand rubs over the rest of his length, and fuck it feels good.

Normally, Soonyoung likes slower blowjobs, likes to be teased and played with, but this, the quick slide, the tight grip, it's something else. It's intense and hard, makes Soonyoung's toes curl and his hand grip Seokmin's hair tight without realizing. Seokmin doesn't mind it, moans with Soonyoung's cock in his mouth, and damn, it's been two minutes and Soonyoung's in heaven already.

Seokmin doesn't let up, his mouth wet and hot over Soonyoung, sucking his cheeks in, working eagerly like he's nothing but determined, and despite the fact that he had that figured out about Seokmin before, it still makes him go a little crazy, a bit out of his head. He sounds like he's getting so much pleasure from sucking Soonyoung off as well, moaning around him, also a bit lost himself, and it's so hot when he realizes it.

"Seokmin-ah, fuck, you're doing so well," he spurs him on, not even realizing he wanted to speak, grinding up just a little bit in his mouth. He's almost down Seokmin's throat, just a little bit left, when Seokmin pulls off to breathe.

He looks down at him at the same time Seokmin looks up, and Soonyoung is not ashamed of the moan that comes out of his mouth. Seokmin looks _wrecked_ , lips shiny and red, flush high on his cheeks and down his neck, his eyes watery, with Soonyoung's hand gripping his hair making a further mess of him.

"God damn, Seokmin..."

Seokmin smiles at the comment, genuinely smiles, and it doesn't look at odds with his face and what they're doing, it looks like he's confident in the fact that he's ruining Soonyoung in the best way, happy about it. His eyes don't let up and challenge Soonyoung to do the same when he grabs both of Soonyoung's thighs and lowers his mouth on Soonyoung's cock again. His throat is more relaxed this time, ready to take Soonyoung, but despite that, he struggles a little bit, his eyes watering even more. Soonyoung didn't know it was a kink before now but if it is possible, he gets even harder at what he sees and the feeling of Seokmin deepthroating him so easily. He can't stop gasping and breathing hard and wouldn't take his eyes away from the sight below for anything in this world, grateful and amazed. Fuck slow, Soonyoung worships the tight, hard slide of Seokmin's mouth, how eager he is, how he moans around him and the tight grip on his thighs that might leave bruises. He doesn't dare thrust because Seokmin didn't tell him it would be okay, but the feeling of Seokmin swallowing around him is more than enough to wind him up tight, on the verge of coming.

"I'm gonna come, don't stop, please don't stop," he mumbles, his eyes closing shut; he never managed to keep his eyes open when he came, the feelings too much for him. It's so much, too much, electricity through his body, making him shiver, tremors taking control over him when he literally comes down Seokmin's throat. Desperately, he opens his eyes because something tells him he wants to see Seokmin, who swallows around him so well.

He's never come this hard from a blowjob only and when he can put that into words he'll tell Seokmin; usually, it's not that intense for the first one because he likes to get to the main event and be able to come again, but even though he came so hard, his body is still thrumming, expectant, needing Seokmin more than ever.

He gives Seokmin time to pull off and breathe before he helps him up to his lips, kissing him so hard it's almost painful, dragging his tongue over his with all he feels in that moment. Seokmin reciprocates with the same force but quieter, like he's trying to collect himself. Soonyoung won't have any of that.

"Please get your fingers in me now, please," he asks almost desperately, the bottle of lube in his drawer (in easy reach) on the bed, along with a pack of condoms.

"You... still can? It won't hurt you?" Seokmin asks, a little bit amazed, and Soonyoung does, again, not shamefully, moan at how raspy and wrecked his voice sounds like.

"I like it like that. Feels much more intense," he answers truthfully. Soonyoung rarely bottomed for others, but if he did, a lot of them found it weird how willing and able he was to be fingered or fucked after just having come, but Soonyoung lived off of intense feelings, loved the borderline too much, squirming away and not being able to pull away at the same time. He usually didn't show that to his partners from the beginning because he was ashamed of it a little bit, but Seokmin looks like he could take it and would take care of him so well.

Body wound up tight, the first brush of Seokmin's lubed up fingers at his entrance makes him jump, the cold feeling a welcome contrast against his overheated body. He moans in pleasure, the first finger breaching him making him grit his teeth. Seokmin is so gentle, way too gentle, his free hand caressing Soonyoung's leg, that somehow got wound up around his waist, languidly kissing Soonyoung or dragging his lips over his neck. Sometimes his partners got carried away by how desperate Soonyoung would be and would take him too fast, sometimes hurt him a little bit without realizing it, but not Seokmin; he is calm and calming Soonyoung in turn, letting him enjoy the feelings to the fullest without the mess in his head, and Soonyoung almost swore then he wouldn't let go of him.

"So tight, baby," Seokmin whispers against his cheek, and Soonyoung feels him grind against him through his boxers, mindlessly. It must have been torture for him, pleasuring Soonyoung without getting pleasure in return, and Soonyoung promises himself to also do a good job.

"You can do one more," he says, his hips rolling down on Seokmin's hand. It feels so good and it had been such a long time, Soonyoung almost forgot how  _good_ being with someone like that can be. Seokmin doesn't even compare to the others though, or more like the others can't even come close to comparing to him; he adds one more finger, slowly sliding two into him, and his long fingers get so deep Soonyoung almost loses his mind.

"So good, so so good, thank you," he blabbers, and Seokmin smiles against him.

"Why are you thanking me?"

"Cause you're so sweet and careful, so good," Soonyoung mumbles again, the words coming out from him almost without him wanting them to. "I'm so lucky."

Seokmin bites his lips through the smile, wide and happy, and Soonyoung crosses his eyes trying to see it. "I'm lucky too."

Soonyoung grins too, the biggest he's had in a long time, and even when Seokmin brushes against his prostate, sending waves of pleasure through his body, Soonyoung laughs along with the moan.

"There ah... One more please, quick, I want you," he prods Seokmin. He doesn't feel all that frantic anymore, like his body is trying to race ahead; Seokmin calmed him all while making feel him the best he had ever had. He didn't feel like he was chasing anything, on the verge of a panic attack, but like he should normally feel, eager and responsive, like Seokmin made him truly be able to feel, back arching and pleasure crashing into him at the littlest touch.

He couldn't voice that but he kisses Seokmin instead, hard and passionate.

"I'm good, I'm really good, please get in me. I don't want you to combust either."

"Thank God."

Soonyoung can't help but smile even as Seokmin pulls his fingers out of him slowly, the emptiness not as poignant as it usually feels. He watches as Seokmin desperately struggles to pick out a condom and rip the packaging, putting it on. He looks painfully hard, and despite feeling bad for being amused, Soonyoung giggles.

"I'm sorry. You had to be so slow."

"No, don't say sorry. I love it so much, you're so responsive and I love making you feel good. But one day I'm going to make you do it to me in return, I swear." Fuck did Soonyoung want that, wanted at least one more time to try his best to make Seokmin feel as good as he is feeling now.

"I'd like nothing more. Except maybe for you to please get in me because I feel like I'm about to die," Soonyoung grits out, and despite how intense and like  _a lot_  everything is until now, Seokmin settling over him and pulling a pillow under his hips feels light, kind of.

Seokmin leaning over him, caging him in makes Soonyoung arch up into him, bumping the tip of his hard cock against his hole, and Seokmin pushes in so slowly Soonyoung sees stars. His head tips back by his own accord, eyes shut tight because _it is a lot._ Soonyoung can feel everything, every inch of Seokmin sliding into him, every ridge and vein on him and even if Seokmin is not abnormally long, he is so thick it almost hurts.

"Seokmin, what the hell, you're actually so big."

"I don't know if you meant for me to feel bad about it or I should be proud," he grits through his teeth, obviously having as much difficulty with this as Soonyoung is too.

"Are you the type of guy that relies on that for his pride?" Soonyoung whispers back, trying to hold on to the remainder of his consciousness with Seokmin filling him up so well.

It's a lot but Soonyoung likes it so much, the feeling of being full, the stretch. It hurts a little bit when Seokmin pushes all the way inside and yet Soonyoung lets out the loudest moan he probably ever had because Seokmin feels _so good_ , so right.

"Nah, I'm making you feel good so-" Soonyoung shuts him up by pulling him down and kissing him hard, the quick action making him shift inside him, and Soonyoung groans.

"Unfair, so damn unfair," Soonyoung complains between kisses even though he wants to sing praises to Seokmin and his dick, pressing everywhere he needs it most.

"I don't want to be that guy but I don't think I'm gonna last long, to be honest," Seokmin admits, eyes closed like he is trying not to come on the spot, and Soonyoung thought he already has so much control, he can spare him that one.

"Don't worry, me neither. Just move," Soonyoung answers, body rolling to the rhythm of Seokmin inside him. He takes it so so slow, taking time to move back and push inside him again so slowly, Soonyoung can feel _all_  of him.

"Wow," his mouth runs over him and he blushes, laughing a little bit at the embarrassment.

Seokmin doesn't laugh at him or tease him, just kind of smiles with him. "Feel good?"

"Mmm, so good. Good for you too?"

"Yeah, you're kinda driving me crazy here," Seokmin answers, and despite the fact that he's the one ruining Soonyoung's world with how deep inside he's grinding, he hides his face in Soonyoung's neck, biting at his pulse point. Soonyoung doesn't urge him to go harder like he usually would, just lets himself enjoy the slowly building up pace.

Seokmin kisses him hard though, almost contrasting with how slow his pace is, and Soonyoung hisses between his teeth. Now he's feeling the overstimulation, his body wound tight, sensitive, and Seokmin pressing into him and his hands branding his hips with bruises is driving him quickly to the edge.

And then Seokmin presses closer and the new angle nails his prostate for the first time tonight, and Soonyoung downright _screams_ , the feeling ripping through him. Seokmin doesn't let up, presses against it harder, quickening his pace until Soonyoung is a quivering mess, canting his hips desperately against Seokmin's. Not many people found his spot that easily, and maybe Seokmin is just a sex god, out to ruin him for anyone else, headstrong and determined to make Soonyoung crazy.

He thinks that explains it pretty well, when Seokmin makes sure to hold his hips in his place while the rest of his body is shaking, just so he doesn't lose that spot, grinding so hard against it Soonyoung shuts his eyes tight to not lose himself.

"Fuck fuck, right there Seokminie, don't stop please don't stop," he mumbles between moans and gasps, desperate for the feeling.

Somebody groans but it's not him, and Seokmin's thrusts are getting more erratic too, the grip on his hips harder, like Seokmin can't control himself either. Soonyoung doesn't mind that, wants to see him as ruined as he is, wants to see him let go, so he musters up the last of his strength to move his arms, locked behind Seokmin's head to scratch down his back. Seokmin's panting on his neck too like he'll lose it really soon as well, but he's still fucking up into Soonyoung with so much strength, nailing his prostate right every time and driving him up the bed, crazy with pleasure. It's strong and ruthless, the kind of control that comes from just knowing how to ruin someone, how to make them lose control of themselves, _pleasure them so_ good _they can't help but scream_. He doesn't touch Soonyoung's cock almost at all, just a few brushes of his fingers under his sensitive head, and Soonyoung hasn't ever done it before, but the jabs of Seokmin's cock feel so good he can come just from the _abuse_  Seokmin is laying on his spot right now.

"Fuck I'm gonna come, fuck fuck, _Seokmin_ ," he warns, and right then the coil inside him snaps, the waves of burning pleasure making him shake, screaming Seokmin's name. He has never come this hard for sure, struggling to keep himself on the bed while tremors rack his body, so so much pleasure and relief washing over him he blacks out for a couple of seconds. Seokmin is relentless, not letting up on his prostate, determined to fuck Soonyoung as hard as he can, even while Soonyoung is shaking in his arms with his orgasm.

He's breathing so hard when he comes back to himself and this time the overstimulation is too much, so so much he finds himself sobbing from it, fat tears rolling down his face at the intense feelings shooting through him. Seokmin feels like he's hesitating, like he wants to pull out, and Soonyoung thinks he should and let him come down his throat, but he doesn't.

"No no, come on, go on. Come inside me, come on Seokminie," he says, even though his voice is teary and ruined, and Seokmin moans, loud and long. He doesn't focus on making Soonyoung feel good anymore, just focuses on getting himself off, shorter thrusts and grinding deeper into him, even if Soonyoung is done and a mess. Soonyoung shouldn't find it so hot how Seokmin is using him with his approval but he does, the overstimulation and that knowledge making him tighten up around Seokmin until he can't pull out, just grinding into him until Soonyoung feels him shake too and his cock twitches, coming into the condom, with Soonyoung's hands on his neck trying to help him as much as possible.

Seokmin drops down heavy on him, and Soonyoung sniffles, trying to form coherent thoughts. He doesn't seem to be able to because Seokmin fucked the last of his braincells out of him, so he doesn't say anything, just enjoys how weirdly good it feels for Seokmin to be pressing over him like that, how safe and satisfied he feels even with Seokmin's cock still inside him. He likes that, he realizes with a bit of a shock, likes feeling full even after he's done, even though it feels like it's a bit too much, and maybe that would be a discussion he would like to have with Seokmin, if they ever do this again.

"I'm gonna pull out, okay?" Seokmin says and Soonyoung hums in agreement, still loose-limbed and unmoving on the bed. Everything feels like jelly, like Seokmin took all the strength out of his body, but Seokmin is not faring much better, legs shaking as he goes to politely drop the condom into the bin.

"Nice view," Soonyoung can't help but say, grinning lazily like a pervert and Seokmin chuckles, bringing the wet tissues he keeps next on his nightstand for stuff like this. He gets useless after sex, so everything is always in convenient reach.

"Didn't even have to put up much of a show," he answers back, playfully.

"Oh you put on a show alright."

It's true, Soonyoung feels like remainders of pleasure still thrum through his veins, like all the negativity he had been building up is gone, shooed out by how good Seokmin was to him, how good he made him feel.

He would like to tell him that but all of a sudden he doesn't know how to put the feelings into words, so he just makes sure to hug him tight when Seokmin slides over him, head on his chest and hand around his waist. His fingers accidentally brush over Soonyoung's dick and he almost screams because _that is sensitive_ , but Seokmin quickly apologizes and kisses him. It seems like the smile hasn't left his face since they finished, and Soonyoung can't help but smile back, giggling like an idiot.

"Umm..." Seokmin starts weirdly, and uh oh. Soonyoung freezes. Is it too much? Was he too much, too overbearing, too into it, too clingy? "I know it's early but can we skip all the awkwardness of a one night stand and tell you I really want to see you again? In whatever way you want."

Oh thank God.

"Oh asshole, you actually... ah heart attack," Soonyoung answers, very eloquently. "If you think I'd let you go after you gave me the dicking of my life you're wrong," he answers playfully, hoping Seokmin gets the underlying message too.

He does, punching at Soonyoung playfully, but follows up. "So you just want me for my dick?"

"The person attached isn't _terrible_ , so we'll see," he grins. There's not really any awkwardness and Soonyoung is so grateful, doesn't know who he has to thank for literally dropping this gorgeous boy in his life.

Seokmin tangles their legs and nuzzles into him and they don't fall asleep but the silence is comfortable, reassuring. Soonyoung feels like he's still vibrating a little bit, like his body is slower to come down from the high than his mind, but he's peaceful, finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, after changing my mind 100 times about where I was going to go with this because it was a sudden decision to write it, I've decided to turn it into a chaptered piece and leaving it incomplete for now! I'll probably update once or twice a week depending on inspiration and how busy I am, and will plan to write a pretty long thing, hopefully. Hope you'll keep reading and please leave comments with anythiiiiing <3


	2. the real beginning

The morning after, it's the classic 'wake up and the bed is empty' kind of moment, Soonyoung's heart clenching at the discovery. He's hugging a pillow even though he must have been hugging Seokmin throughout the night, so it means Seokmin was careful to put it there. He didn't need to, because Soonyoung can sleep through his building getting invaded and being on fire at the same time, but Soonyoung appreciates the gesture. Not the fact that he left, but that's another story.

He's midway through his morning stretches, the lazy ones he does in bed after waking up, leg twisted in an uncomfortable position, when the door opens and Soonyoung freezes. Seokmin sees him, pauses for a second, and then starts laughing so hard Soonyoung can't help but join him.

"Oh, you're awake?"

"Yeah, barely," Soonyoung groans, kind of embarrassed even though Seokmin didn't make fun of him or anything of the sort, just laughed because it was genuinely funny.

"Mind if I join you?"

"What kind of stupid question is that? Come here, I don't wanna get up. Wanna cuddle."

Seokmin eagerly gets on the bed and Soonyoung realizes that he's naked but Seokmin is wearing his boxers, and it's a bit uncomfortable, but he won't get up for the world, and cuddles up to Seokmin.

"Where were you?"

"The bathroom. It was an awkward trip, you would've laughed if you saw me. I didn't know if your roommate was back, so I popped my head out and like dashed to the bathroom; I almost walked into your roommate's room but decided at the last moment it probably wasn't the bathroom. And then I dashed back again."

Soonyoung laughs because he can imagine Seokmin with just his head out of the room, dashing to the bathroom in nothing but his boxers, and the image is kind of ridiculous.

"Don't laugh at me," Seokmin pouts. "I ruined my cool image," he whines, and it's so ironic Soonyoung laughs even harder.

"I admit, you had a very cool image until now."

But that reminds Soonyoung of something he really wanted to ask Seokmin, so he braces himself for it.

"Speaking about that... I wanted to ask you something. When Seungkwan took Chan to the dancefloor... did you plan that?" 'To remain alone with me' is implied, but that would be a bit too forward and Soonyoung doesn't want to give Seokmin a bad impression.

Seokmin groans and puts the hand that Soonyoung is not resting on over his eyes, his face quickly reddening.

"Maybe," he answers shyly, and Soonyoung grins. He's gonna wait it out and Seokmin will tell him more.

Indeed, after a few seconds, Seokmin opens his mouth like he doesn't know what to say, closes it back, and then starts talking, hesitantly, taking his hand away from his eyes and looking down at Soonyoung.

"I'll be honest with you... I've kind of... seen you before. A couple of times," he starts, hesitant, and Soonyoung smiles at him to encourage him.

"And I've kind of... started liking you. Not as like, a crush or anything, but you looked so nice and kind, you were helping some tourists find their way around and I just couldn't really look away. But then you also looked so sexy and confident when I saw you dancing in your shows after that... I kind of started noticing you around a lot."

Soonyoung is pretty sure his heart is beating miles in his chest because the idea of standing out to someone was never a thought in his book. He was rather ordinary looking, he thought, and the only time he truly felt like he could be noticeable was on stage, when he let out the more enthusiastic, sexy side of him. He wasn't insecure or anything, he thought he was rather confident, and this is what allowed him to recognize that his talents and his personality weren't obvious or attractive at a first glance or to people that didn't know him. Seokmin telling him that... kind of made him feel really good, like he really looked at him and saw something of both from the real him, and liked it all.

"So I kind of asked Jeonghan about you... maybe. And then he didn't say anything but he just grinned and told me I better do something if I have the chance," he pauses for a second. "So I guess just... him and Seungkwan planned it, I'm so sorry... I didn't realize that it would be weird but it kind of is, isn't it? Oh my God I'm so sorry," he starts to panic a little bit, his tone quickening.

"No no, it's not, don't worry," Soonyoung is quick to reassure him, hugging him tighter with the hand around his waist. He's kind of naked while they're having this conversation and it's... interesting for sure, but he wants to make sure Seokmin gets he's not bothered.

"I find it kind of... cute actually. That you'd care enough to do something. I don't mind. Quite the opposite, actually," Soonyoung says, making sure to look at Seokmin so he understands he's not just saying it.

"Really? Oh my god it kind of... sounds weird to me now. I don't know, I kind of just wanted to get to know you. I didn't... think about this." He blushes even more than before, if possible, and Soonyoung coos at him.

"But you don't regret it, do you?" Soonyoung asks, because he has to.

"Oh my god no, not at all. I don't think I've ever regretted anything less. So not at all," he seems a bit more relaxed, like he's understood they're on the same page.

"So what about the cool image?" Soonyoung grins, because he definitely noticed Seokmin making an effort.

Seokmin groans again because he understood what Soonyoung was trying to get at, for sure.

"I... oh my god," he takes a deep breath and Soonyoung can feel his heart beat faster from his place on his chest. "I figured because you were so confident and still so nice, that you'd want someone... cool and awesome. Plus... your ex was a really cool, manly dude, so I thought that was the kind of people you are into. Oh my god I sound like a stalker, please don't think I'm a stalker."

"Don't be like that, I told you I think it's cute. I like dorky people and cool people too, but you don't have to pretend to be cool. You just are." Soonyoung laughs. "Were you nervous?"

"You have no idea... When we were making conversation at the beginning or when you were talking about the things you were thinking about here, or in the club to that song... I really wanted to tell you how hot you are and that you were driving me crazy, and I liked you so much..."

Now it's Soonyoung's turn to blush, because besides the fact that Seokmin liked him as a person, the club reminds him of the position they were in and he thinks of Seokmin looking at him and liking what he sees, and he can't seem to get it out of his head. Seokmin notices him burying his face deeper in his chest.

"What? Something wrong?"

Seokmin has been so honest with him so far, and so Soonyoung feels like he can be too.

"Nothing, it's just... when we were dancing and you kind of... grabbed me like that, I liked that a lot. And it just came to my mind and yeah..." his stomach does a flip at that, and suddenly he's hyper-aware of the fact that they're almost naked, or more like he is fully naked.

He's never thought about it much because he always liked to be in control, doing the manhandling, but it turns out he doesn't seem to mind when someone does it to him either if they don't overpower him or think he's going to submit to them or something.

All of a sudden, the feeling switches to something heavier from Soonyoung's admission, and oh god does Soonyoung _want_.

Seokmin hooks two fingers under his chin and lifts his head up, and even though he's smiling, he's definitely understood.

"You did? Like it?"

"See, you don't have to pretend to be cool," Soonyoung answers, biting back at him, trying to keep to some control in this situation.

Seokmin kisses him, soft and slow, and Soonyoung pulls away.

"Morning breath," he mumbles, centimeters away from Seokmin's lips, which is kind of counterproductive.

"I don't care," Seokmin says, and waits for Soonyoung to make up his mind. After a second he says fuck it and attaches himself to Seokmin's lips again, swinging a leg around him and pressing against his chest.

“What do you want?” Seokmin asks him, his voice kind of hoarse, and a shiver runs through Soonyoung.

“Don’t think, just… be gentle, not soft.”

Seokmin understood, probably, by the way his kisses press heavier against Soonyoung, tongue gliding in his mouth and hands pressing on his lower back. He’s bold now, like he’s not holding back when he grabs a handful of Soonyoung’s ass and pulls him up, enough for Soonyoung to rub his semi-hard cock against Seokmin’s clothed one. He moans loudly in Seokmin’s mouth, Seokmin’s other hand resting on his nape, and Seokmin moans too, twitching under Soonyoung. Seokmin’s not pretending to be cool now either and he isn’t embarrassed about breathing heavily when Soonyoung pulls away, head in the crook of his neck. Soonyoung is dead weight against him and yet he doesn't seem to mind, holding him there while his fingers rub careful circles over his hole.

He’s still kind of loose and a bit wet from a few hours before and it’s a bit embarrassing, right until Seokmin slides a finger into him without any warning, and Soonyoung moans so loud he must have woken some of their neighbors up.

“Good?” Seokmin whispers, slowly moving his finger, and oh my god, Soonyoung will probably die of a heart attack by the early age of 22.

“Yes yes, go on, please,” he whispers in return, because the slide is a little bit dry but not overwhelming, and he can feel everything, the haze of the morning making everything hyperintense.

“You beg so easily,” Seokmin remarks like he’s commenting on the weather, and then pulls his finger out to take them in his mouth and get them wet. He can’t see from where he is, can just hear Seokmin sucking on them and _oh god, is this filthy_. He can’t help but grind a little bit, chasing pleasure, heavy breaths almost moans next to Seokmin’s ear, going crazy at what Seokmin is doing.

Seokmin goes back, two fingers rubbing against him and excruciatingly slowly pushing in, wetter than before, slide easy and barely a stretch.

“Oh god,” Soonyoung whispers, Seokmin’s fingers wrecking him just like that, while he’s kept in place with Seokmin’s other hand on his lower back.

“You feel so good hyung,” Seokmin whispers back, the first time he’s called Soonyoung that since they started, and a shiver goes through him at how he’s supposed to be older, take control, and yet he’s letting Seokmin basically do whatever he wants to him. It’s an irrational thought because he doesn’t care much about age, but the way he’s grown up makes it significant, turns him on so bad.

“Lube Seokmin, do it properly, come on,” he demands, getting impatient, wanting Seokmin properly now. It seems impossible to take it slow with Seokmin, he just knows how to get on Soonyoung’s weak spots somehow, but maybe someday, when they both get used to each other, Soonyoung will get revenge and ruin Seokmin with how slow he’ll be taking it.

He gets up from where he was, his hands on Seokmin’s chest so he can look down at him. Seokmin doesn’t move though, even at Soonyoung’s prompting, eyes glazed over and his mouth open like he’s a bit surprised, still pushing into him mercilessly, scissoring his fingers. Soonyoung can’t even urge him further at his expression, waits for Seokmin to make up his mind on the thing he’s decidedly thinking about saying.

“Hyung… you look so good like that, on my fingers and dripping…” Soonyoung’s mouth drops open in surprise; Seokmin’s a bit awkward and obviously inexperienced in how he says it but obviously honest, amazed at Soonyoung enough to play on what Soonyoung obviously likes even if he's not used to it, and just then Soonyoung realizes how hard he is, dripping precum on Seokmin.

“Seokmin please, just get the lube and finger me properly, I want to ride you so bad,” he answers, spurred on by Seokmin’s words, and Seokmin doesn’t waste one more moment in clumsily grabbing the lube from where they left it last night, somewhere on the nightstand, and pouring some on his fingers behind Soonyoung. It’s an awkward position, so Soonyoung pushes Seokmin to get up a little bit more, leaning against the headboard so they’re chest to chest. Too much lube is poured, Soonyoung feeling some of the cold liquid dripping down his ass, but he doesn’t say anything, just waits for Seokmin to get his fingers in him again.

When he does it’s so much, the slide so easy that Soonyoung realizes Seokmin likes it really wet. It takes barely a few seconds for Seokmin to get a third finger in, stretching Soonyoung slowly and thoroughly. It barely hurts, Seokmin is so gentle, and when Soonyoung is almost going to snap and tell him to get his dick in him already, Seokmin speaks.

“Hyung, can I… do one more?” Soonyoung’s mouth falls open, because he’s never taken that many, but he trusts Seokmin not to hurt him, so he nods, biting his lip.

Seokmin stretches him a little bit more and then adds his pinky finger, carefully. Soonyoung feels so full he almost screams, throwing his head back. He barely gets them in and Soonyoung grinds on him, wanting to feel him deeper and feel the stretch, to experience it fully, and Seokmin throws a hand around his back and presses him to his chest, so he doesn’t move too much and hurt himself probably. He can’t tell, because his mind is in a thousand places and all of them are variations on how insanely different it feels right now.

It’s not good yet, kind of painful but Soonyoung can wait and he kind of likes that, knows it’s going to be so much better when he gets used to it; he hears a moan and it’s not his, and realizing Seokmin gets off on getting him off shouldn’t spike his pleasure up that much.

But it does, and when Seokmin gets deeper to nail his spot, Soonyoung moans so hard, grinding up on Seokmin with all the leeway that he has, leaving small bites on his neck from the lack of control, the feeling of needing to do something, hold on to something. It’s so good now, he feels so good, Seokmin artfully playing him and really knowing what he’s doing, ruining Soonyoung once again.

It’s when Seokmin almost pulls out just to grind his fingers into him hard a few times, hand now rubbing slowly on his cock, that Soonyoung feels his orgasm creeping up on him so quickly he can’t even warn Seokmin when he comes, waves of pleasure through him making him shake, thrashing and moaning wildly against Seokmin's neck. It’s different from all that he’s ever felt before, a different type of pleasure and he takes it, blacking out for a few seconds before he comes back to himself. His breathing refuses to slow even when Seokmin hugs him against his chest, tight and reassuring, like he’s trying to control himself by comforting Soonyoung.

Soonyoung is truly useless after he decides his body can’t take any more, which is definitely the case now, but the hardness of Seokmin’s cock against his thigh is noticeable.

“I am not going to ride you because you just killed me but lemme get you off,” he says, palming at the elastic band of Seokmin’s boxers.

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” Soonyoung jumps at the confirmation, taking Seokmin out of his boxers carefully, so he doesn’t accidentally hurt him. Seokmin buries his moans in Soonyoung’s shoulder, his breathing hot on Soonyoung’s skin as he takes him in his hand, rubbing over his head. He’s painfully hard too, wet with precome, and once again Soonyoung’s belly flops at the knowledge that Seokmin enjoyed taking him apart, giving him pleasure.

Soonyoung tries to pull his best tricks, twists his wrist on the upstroke, strokes at the thick vein on the underside with his thumb and it seems to be working, if Seokmin’s uncontrolled moans against his shoulder are anything to go by.

“Let me hear you,” he prompts, lifting up Seokmin’s head from where it’s resting on his shoulder. His face is flushed with pleasure, his eyes struggling to focus on Soonyoung, and yet he’s the one to push forward and kiss Soonyoung, grabbing his hips as something to ground himself on. Soonyoung doesn’t let up, determined to make him come so hard he feels at least a little bit of how he made Soonyoung feel. He is so vocal and Soonyoung loves it, moans and whines and little whispers of his name that make Soonyoung smile. Seokmin smiles too in the middle of a heavy breath, and when he throws his head back, the grin rests on his face when he comes unannounced, making a further mess out of the both of them.

He laughs when he comes down from it, bright and happy, and Soonyoung can’t help but join, throwing his hands around his back to hug him. It should be weirder, having sex make you feel this happy when Soonyoung is used to a darker, heavier atmosphere, but now he’s just content, light.

“I feel disgusting,” he announces because it’s true; as fun and relaxed as morning sex is, he’s been dirty since the night before, and now the only thing he wants is a shower and a good, massive breakfast.

Seokmin nods enthusiastically so they both decide to hop in the shower, no dirty things involved because Soonyoung genuinely might slap Seokmin if he intervenes between him and getting clean. He doesn’t and it’s quite fun, letting someone wash your hair and stealing a few kisses (just a few!) in the meantime, chatting about weird things such as the strange body wash Soonyoung uses because it smells really weird, apparently, but weirdly good. It’s a small shower so when Seokmin moves to grab the conditioner he turns the dial all the way to cold and Soonyoung honest to god screams, having been directly in the path of the water. Seokmin jumps a little bit and quickly turns it back to a bit too hot, but can’t help but laugh at how upset and disturbed Soonyoung looks for a good few seconds, looking like he’s frozen even though the water is now hot. Soonyoung calls him an asshole, calls him an asshole again to make sure he understood, and pouts between the little kisses Seokmin tries to give him as an apology; it’s not an honest one because he’s still laughing, and only when they’re out of the shower, Soonyoung laughs back.

It’s when he puts his kind of dirty clothes back that Seokmin thinks to check his phone, and Soonyoung sees him jump.

“Oh my god it’s so late, I have to be at a weekend class in like half an hour, I am so sorry,” he says towards Soonyoung, his tone obviously regretful. He was looking forward to eating a half-assed but massive breakfast with Seokmin but obviously he wouldn’t dream of making Seokmin feel bad for having things to do.

“Go quickly then! Is it close?”

“Kind of, but I obviously have to change…” He does, that’s true, and Soonyoung bursts into laughter at how he says it, sheepish and tiny.

“Put your number in my phone first?” Soonyoung asks, handing him his open phone, and Seokmin takes two seconds to do it, fingers flying over the phone keyboard. Instead of just handing it back to Soonyoung though, he crowds against him, slips the phone in his pocket and grabs Soonyoung’s face, looking for approval before he kisses him.

Soonyoung kisses him back, winds his hands against his neck for the two seconds they’re there before he pulls back, because Seokmin needs to go.

“Would you… seriously want to date me?” Seokmin asks, like he’s unsure _now,_ after their mindblowing sex and the conversation they’ve had before.

Soonyoung scoffs a little bit like he’s telling him he's an idiot but smiles so Seokmin knows he's affectionately calling him an idiot.

“Yes, I really do. You’re amazing and I seriously want to get to know you, so you better get ready, because I am a lot,” he grins, kissing Seokmin quick one more time before he lets him go and takes him to the front door. Seokmin smiles again, presses a kiss to his cheek and waves out a text me over his shoulder while he’s speeding towards the stairs.

Soonyoung’s giddy feeling stays with him for the rest of the day.

* * *

When he comes back later that day, Jihoon takes one step in the apartment, throws one look at Soonyoung watching Hell’s Kitchen on his couch and eating honey butter chips before he talks, surprising Soonyoung.

“He was good, wasn’t he? You’re literally glowing.”

“I’ll spare you the details, but it was fantastic,” he grins at Jihoon, who rolls his eyes, despite quite glowing himself.

“He’s so nice and sweet Jihoonie, but also really fantastic in bed, I think I’m in love,” he shouts from the couch, getting only a ‘nice’ in return from Jihoon’s room.

“You were involved in this, weren’t you?” he asks when Jihoon returns with his own laptop and a pack of ramen that he crumbles and eats dry, like a savage; Soonyoung will never get over that. “Put that away, I don’t wanna see it.”

“Jeonghan asked me to make sure you come,” he answers, entering his stupidly long password that absolutely nobody knows, not even Soonyoung. He doesn’t put the ramen pack away and Soonyoung sighs, looking back at people completely undercooking scallops for the third time in that service. Seriously, how hard could it be?

“Soonyoung-ah,” he hears, and turns towards Jihoon.

“I’m happy that you’re happy. Please don’t give it up.”

It’s the most honest, sentimental thing he’s heard from Jihoon since he had to comfort him over the break-up, and he almost wants to hug him. They’re not awkward with affection, or Soonyoung isn’t really, they just don’t need it to work well, so when Jihoon says it, Soonyoung knows he means it.

“You too.” 


	3. the texting

The thing about dating people after one night stands is that most of the knowledge you have of them is from your bed, while they make a mess out of you. Not appropriate thoughts to have while in the campus cafe, really.

Obviously, it’s awkward for a bit, and even though Soonyoung carried an awesome conversation with Seokmin in the club, now they get a bit stuck on topics and Soonyoung wants to change that so badly because he can tell it’s awkwardness, not lack of chemistry. Soonyoung looks at Seokmin and sees him naked and by the looks of it, Seokmin is doing the same.

But then Seokmin’s phone rings and Soonyoung recognizes the song; it’s Strawberry Bubblegum, the end song they jammed to during their latest show, and where Soonyoung danced one of his favorite short choreos, that he came up with during a late night in the studio. Even if he wanted to he couldn’t help but raise his eyebrows at Seokmin while he answers and quickly dismisses whoever called him.

Seokmin ends the call, takes a look at Soonyoung, who’s smirking like he’s caught a prize, and laughs. Laughs?

Soonyoung expected him to groan like he was embarrassed, like in their conversation the morning before when Soonyoung playfully called him out, but instead he laughs!

“I know what you’re thinking but no. I’ve had this song as a ringtone for a while, before your show, it’s the only one Seungkwan didn’t veto for being too much of a ballad. I was actually so shocked to see you dance to it, really!”

It’s not a famous song, so this is too interesting to be a coincidence, and yet Seokmin is not messing with him. Soonyoung remembers then how he found the song, helped by Joshua after Jeonghan hummed it for a whole day, and it makes sense.

“Wait, you’re friends with Jeonghan, right?”

“Yeah?” he answers, confused as to why this is a question all of a sudden.

“I actually danced to it because of you then,” he laughs. For his part, Seokmin looks confused.

“Jeonghan hummed this for a whole day once because he heard it from a friend and then Joshua helped me find it, and I liked it so much I made a choreo to it. He must’ve heard it from you then,” he grins at the coincidence.

Seokmin laughs too then, in disbelief. Fate can be quite interesting sometimes.

“Seriously? Wow, this is some wild stuff. I mean, our campus is so small, I’m actually not that surprised things like these happen.”

“Telling me? That night at the club, there were so many people and I was so genuinely horrified when I knew everyone in our group and then so many more people around. Being a junior is so hard,” he whines.

“Can’t relate, old man,” Seokmin teases, lighthearted. Soonyoung wants to hit him a bit because he’s struggling, damn!

It’s not much, an insignificant thing really, but now they’re laughing and making fun of each other, carefree, the weird stuff on hold. It’s not long before Seokmin makes a joke about Jeonghan, Soonyoung joins, and then they start making fun of him before Seokmin freezes and Soonyoung feels a tap on his shoulder in the middle of an embarrassing story involving giant fake spiders and phone apps that make bear noises from a cabin trip. It’s Jeonghan, and Soonyoung chokes on his coffee so bad Jeonghan pats him on the back a few times, harsher than needed, really.

“You were an idiot one minute ago, but now you’re an idiot that is almost late to class. Let’s go, I came to get you because I knew you’d forget,” Jeonghan says and drags him out of his seat by his jacket.

“Sorry Seokmin, but he needs to go if he wants to think about passing this class. See you later,” he waves, and Soonyoung waves too, winking at him.

Seokmin waves and laughs, amused probably by how Soonyoung is still being held by his jacket. “It’s okay, I’ll do some work. Have fun!”

The image Soonyoung is left with is Seokmin’s smile as he pulls out his laptop absentmindedly, still looking at them, and not even Jeonghan’s teasing can spoil his good mood during the day.

* * *

 Unfortunately, that's the last time in almost a week that Soonyoung manages to have more of a conversation with Seokmin than can be carried through texts when they’re free for two minutes. One of the freshmen in his beginner dance crew broke a leg three days before Soonyoung wanted to declare all their compositions and the choreographies done for their winter show, and focus on the advanced group. It's not a big deal and Soonyoung spends a long time assuring her it’s alright because it is, but it means a few nights wasted for Soonyoung to figure out new formations that work for seventeen people instead of the eighteen he was working with for their big piece, and then about four more smaller ones. He fills boards and about three quarters of a sketch notebook before he deems it workable, and spends one more week in practices changing them again because they don’t quite work.

He’s sleep deprived and dead on his feet by the following Tuesday, a week after he met with Seokmin. He’s finally figured everything out and by the time he gets to his dorm it’s past 11:30 PM. His bed has been screaming for him from all the way across campus, Soonyoung’s brain figuring out in his head his routine for the rest of the night: quick ramen late night snack because he’s starving, he’ll shower in the two minutes it’s done, he’ll get in bed and watch an episode of that stupid dating show he’s obsessed with for some reason while eating, and he’ll sleep by 12:30 because he’s too exhausted to think.

Except when he walks into his dorm, there’s one Yoon Jeonghan on their floor in their common room, papers spread around him.

It’s Tuesday. Tuesday midnight is the time they have to submit their weekly response papers for that damned required Eastern Philosophy class they’ve decided to take together, and Soonyoung has completely forgotten about it since starting it last Wednesday. 

If he screams when he sees Jeonghan and he realizes it, that’s nobody’s business but his.

“God fucking damn.”

“How much do you have?” Jeonghan asks from his place on the floor, not even moving his head.

“One page. We need three, don’t we?”

“Strap in, because I’m also two pages away and this is a nightmare.”

Well, there goes his night and about 5 points from his grade for this assignment.

It’s 4:30 when they finally submit their assignments with the necessary bullshit excuses; he doesn’t know why he bothers anymore, his grade in this class is abysmal anyway and he cares less about the third of a grade he lost from being late than spending 2 more minutes on said bullshit excuses.

“I’m crashing here,” Jeonghan announces, Soonyoung not even bother to spare a complaint. It’s not even the first time this happened, won’t be the last, and Jeonghan is truly essential for at least making sure he doesn’t fail. He’s a senior that cares more for Soonyoung’s grades than his own, that with his secure acceptance for a graduate school, and Soonyoung is eternally grateful to have him in his life.

He moves to the side of the bed when Jeonghan settles next to him, and when he takes his phone to set an alarm so they wake up for this damned class, his phone is open to messages. Seokmin’s name is almost at the top, and he blames his brain that turned to mush when he opens their thread and texts _‘I miss you’,_ falling asleep right after.

His phone vibrates a bit later, way too early. It’s not the deafening shrill of his alarm, but that, coupled with how his bladder is threatening to explode, is enough to fully wake him up. He goes to the bathroom quickly, trying to not wake up Jeonghan, who’s starfishing his bed, and when he comes back and settles back, he picks up his phone.

It’s not even 8 AM and Seokmin is texting him, what in the name of…

_‘I miss you too! You seemed busy though so I let you be this week’_

If he had woken up the next morning and saw that he had texted Seokmin I miss you at almost 5 AM he would’ve slapped himself upside the head. But now, even though he can barely see, he feels perfectly fine; Seokmin didn’t mind it, didn’t find it weird or too clingy, just took it as it was, and told him he missed him back. As easy as that.

_‘But why were you awake at 5 AM? I mean… can’t help but be curious’_

_‘Jeonghan and I had an assignment to do and we finished it then’_ , he answers, letting autocorrect deal with his mistakes.

 _‘And you texted me?’_ Soonyoung blushes a little bit because okay, he did and he doesn’t know how to answer this.

 _‘Don’t think I minded it!! Or like I was making fun of you or anything I liked waking up to it!!!! I genuinely miss you too_ ’, the message pops up on his screen a few seconds later, like Seokmin typed it at lightning speed.

_‘You do?’_

_‘Yup, we should hang out when you’re not busy. I want to see you whenever’_ Soonyoung blushes a little bit more, but this time from the butterflies steadily making their presence known in his stomach. He chooses not to answer to that for fear of saying something ridiculous.

_‘What are you doing up? It’s not even 8’_

_‘I have a kickboxing class, helps me wake up properly. Warming up a bit before it now’_ , he replies, and god damn is Soonyoung more smitten. Seokmin works out and is disciplined enough to do it in the morning; his type of man.

_‘What are you doing up? When do you have class?’_

_‘11’_ , he answers, settling deeper into the pillows.

 _‘Then go to sleep you fool! We’ll talk later, say hi to Jeonghan from me,’_ Seokmin writes and yeah, sleep truly sounds good right about now.

_‘Will do, have fun in your stupidly early class’_

Before he can think too much about it, he adds a _‘I want to see you too. I’ll text you when I’m free?’_   to his message. Seokmin replies with a kissy face emoji and a thumbs up, as well as the sleeping emoji, and Soonyoung puts his phone back on the nightstand and falls asleep.

* * *

It's Friday before he can even breathe, his workload finally feeling a bit lighter. The choreographies are finally almost done and they’re now practicing them, still in time. The final paper proposal from the philosophy class is knocking at his door, as well as most of the ideas for the final presentations for his dance classes, but it’s Friday, Jihoon is at Seungcheol’s and he has the house free to do whatever he wants tonight. There are so many possibilities, like a bubble bath with some cheap wine, some good takeout, watching a movie in the living room whenever he wants at whatever volume, or damn, he can even play porn out loud if he wants.

The last thought doesn’t sound too bad, actually; maybe not the playing out loud part, but Soonyoung hasn’t had time to think about doing anything of the sort for more than a week, and needless to say, when the thought plants, it’s hard to get it out. He can take his time, be as loud as he wants, do whatever. The freedom is his!

He’ll wait a bit though, relax first, put that bubble bath and drink the last of the Moscato laying around in their fridge while the delivery for pizza gets here in 45 minutes. A grocery run is needed, and maybe he’ll do that tomorrow. Soonyoung’s always loved grocery runs especially if he’s alone, music in his ears, taking his time to fill up their cabinets with goods. Jihoon has been paying most of the rent for them to live in an apartment practically almost on campus since last year because he’s not poor like Soonyoung and he insisted, and so Soonyoung picks up the grocery runs, the party expenses or some of the utilities almost all the time. It works for them even though Soonyoung feels so guilty, but then Jihoon tells him not to be dumb, he wants to do it, his parents are paying for it anyway and that Soonyoung knows there’s not anyone he’d rather have as his roommate, a bit embarrassed. Soonyoung laughs, hugs him and feels a little bit better.

His mind is filled with random things when he gets in the bath, from some choreography parts that are still rusty, to the cool song Minghao showed him earlier in the day and which he can’t get out of his head, to what he needs to buy, but it’s static noise, relaxed. It’s been a long time since he got the time to just be, and when he puts that damned song on his phone next to the tub and closes his eyes, he’s peaceful. He’s invested in one of those waterproof phone bags for this exact reason, to be able to use in the bath and not feel scared, so after a while, he browses a little through Twitter, catching up with what he’s missed.

He hasn’t been in the bath long when his phone pings, and a message from Seokmin pops up at the top of his screen. It’s a simple _‘How are you?’_ but Soonyoung opens it eagerly.

 _‘I am free as a bird and light as one of its feathers’_ , he answers, decidedly happy about his evening.

 _‘I see you’re having a good evening, I love it’_ Seokmin texts, and Soonyoung chuckles. He gets a little brave, and takes a selfie in the bath, foam up to his neck, eyes closed and smiling, his other hand in a thumbs up. _‘Chilling’_ he adds to it, sending it quickly.

Now that he’s thought about it, having Seokmin come over doesn’t sound that bad. They can share that pizza, watch some TV, hang out, and if something else happens, Soonyoung won’t mind at all.

 _‘Ugh that looks so comfortable. Does it feel good?’_ Seokmin texts back, and maybe Soonyoung is just unusually horny, but it sounds very interestingly phrased.

 _‘Sooooo good, so relaxing,’_ he answers, and sends another text before he chickens out. _‘Do you want to come over? I have pizza and can introduce you to a stupid but very catchy dating show’_

Seokmin types and deletes stuff a few times, like he doesn’t know what to say.

_‘I would absolutely love to do that, but I’m at my grandparents’ house in Gapyeong, family and family friends thing, kinda boring :(‘_

Soonyoung won’t pretend he’s not disappointed, but that’s okay. He can have fun by himself as well.

 _‘I’m sorry. :( Are you with your family now?_ ’ He doesn’t want Seokmin to ignore them because of him, especially if he has a big meeting or something.

 _‘Nah, in my room here. Had an assignment to send before so I just figured I’d text you for a bit after. You’re more fun’_ he texts, and okay. Okay. He quickly drains the water out of the bath and gets up to shower.

 _‘Are you alone?’_ If it’s forward, sue Soonyoung. He’s kind of wired up now and if he can’t get Seokmin here, well, texts are also okay, and if Seokmin is not up for it, he’ll let him know.

 _‘Yeah… Soonyoung…’_  

Fuck, just the way Seokmin wrote his name is something, and Soonyoung doesn’t think he ever rinsed off so fast, the water barely drained. He quickly towels off, enough to say he’s not dripping wet anymore, and rushes to his room, throwing himself on his bed. His phone is out of the bag and unlocked quicker than he can think, his messages open.

 _‘I was thinking of you this week…’_ he texts, tentatively. _‘Even if I was busy. I wished I could see you for at least a little bit…’_ If Soonyoung is going to do this, he’s not going to rethink his texts, he’s going to write what he wants to write.

 _‘Me too. Really, me too,’_ Seokmin writes, and Soonyoung quickly answers before he loses courage.

 _‘You’ve gotten under my skin so quickly, it’s not fair,’_ he types. Even if it’s maybe the beginning, the honeymoon period when you feel so ecstatic and think about that person all the time, Seokmin’s managed to make himself a little neat place in Soonyoung’s mind.

 _‘It’s fair because you’re the same for_ me’ the answer comes quickly, and Soonyoung feels butterflies flapping around again. _‘What were you thinking about?’_ comes a second after, like Seokmin is also not giving himself time to overthink.

 _‘Just hanging out, laughing with you, listening to music, or even when seeing one of those pastries you like’_ he sends out, biting his lip before he writes the next message. _‘Or… you on my couch, making out a little maybe… maybe more…’_ He’s getting wired up from the giddiness, the excitement to do something like this, to have the chance to say the stuff he was too often, sometimes at inappropriate times, thinking about.

_‘Damn, Soonyoung… I thought about that too, really…’_

_‘The innocent stuff or the not-so-innocent stuff?’_

_‘Both… one time I’d pass by the coffee shop and remember you almost dying because of Jeonghan and I’d laugh, and then one time maybe I’d pass by there and I’d think of you and my mind would jump to you under me… kind of a gamble, really’_ Soonyoung laughs a little, Seokmin’s naturally funny self coming through even when texting.

 _‘There’s so much stuff I’d like to do with you, you have no idea...’_ the text comes before Soonyoung can answer, and he bites his lip, suddenly so turned on.

_‘Like what? What do you think most about?’_

_‘Honestly?’_

Oh God.

_‘Yeah’_

_‘Just kind of… kissing you all over. You’re so sensitive’_ Soonyoung would like that, oh god would he like that… like Seokmin would take his time to do it.

 _‘I’d do it really slow, you’d like that wouldn’t you?’_ Hook line and sinker.

 _‘I would, I really would… my neck is really sensitive too’_ he manages to write with one hand, the other already touching himself. It has barely been a while, and yet he’s so turned on just at the image of Seokmin on top of him, kissing him slowly.

 _‘Then I’d start there, bite a little… Would love to see you with hickeys, marked…’_ He’s never particularly been into hickeys, but coming from Seokmin… he wouldn’t mind at all, fuck, wouldn’t mind showing them off either.

_‘Move down, slowly, along your chest, with my tongue and my lips… I bet you’d taste so good…’_

_‘Fuck, Seokmin… That sounds so good…’_

_‘Are you touching yourself?’_ he gets after a few seconds, and Soonyoung doesn’t even know when he started, hand tugging on himself, pleasure burning through him.

_‘I am… are you?’_

_‘No, I wanna wait… wanna make you feel good’_ God damn, Seokmin will be the death of him.

 _‘You’re kinda killing me here,’_ he manages to answer, slowly rubbing himself off.

_‘That’s the plan…’_

He doesn’t manage to write ‘tell me more’ before the next message appears, long and written out. Soonyoung is almost afraid to read it.

 _‘You want me to tell you more? How I’d take your nipples in my mouth, tug on them a little bit, make you feel it like you like it…’_ Soonyoung strokes himself tighter, the slide easier as he leaks at the thought. He would close his eyes, imagine Seokmin, but he wants to see his messages, wants to hear what he’d do.

 _‘Would move down, lick over your abs slow, but I wouldn’t take you in my mouth. I’d wait, bite_ _down your thighs, leave some pretty marks… You’d beg for me, wouldn’t you?’_ Soonyoung moans when he sees the message, loud and unrestrained because probably he would, and a shudder passes through him at how Seokmin would be happy to see him beg.

It’s unfair how good Seokmin is at this too… dirty talk is both Soonyoung’s kink and one of his best skills, and he’s not even getting the chance to use it; it’s like every time Seokmin is involved, Soonyoung loses all sort of composure, lets him do whatever he wants.

 _‘Would you let me eat you out, hyung? I’d be so good, I’ve been thinking about that…’_ Fuck, Soonyoung is done, his hand speeding up on himself once again. He can imagine it, Seokmin between his legs, he’d probably be so enthusiastic, so talented with his tongue, he’d make Soonyoung pass out from pleasure.

 _‘Yes yes please Seokmin’_ he manages to write out, his first text in forever, but he’s barely able to, waves of pleasure running through him making him shudder on the bed. He’s almost overstimulated, wants to come so bad, but he waits for Seokmin, to see what he’ll say, _to tell him to_.

 _‘I’d make sure you’re ready, would hold you open and let you ride my tongue. But then I’d take it back, lick over you slow, tease you so bad until it’s too much, hold you down even while you’d be shuddering’_ Soonyoung can barely see the messages now, has to focus to read them through the haze, the thought of Seokmin eating him out so well.

 _‘Would you come on my tongue hyung? I wanna see you come…’_ And Soonyoung does, moaning loud and long, twitching on the bed, pleasure taking over all his senses until all he knows is _Seokmin Seokmin Seokmin_ , and the feeling of relief, bone-deep relaxation settling in him. He’s spent, breathing hard sprawled on top of his covers, and the desperation is gone but he’s bold. Afterall, Seokmin said he wants to _see him_.

So he takes a picture before he can think twice, capturing the softening curve of his cock, the hand playing with the drops of cum on his stomach, the glisten of sweat on his skin; it looks quite good in the low lightning, and he has no doubt Seokmin will _appreciate_ it.

 _‘Can I send you something?’_ he texts after a second, because no matter the mood, unsolicited pics are not things he wants to send.

 _‘If it’s a picture why haven’t you yet?’_ Soonyoung laughs because _of course_ , attaching the picture.

 _‘You made me cum so hard Seokminie~~’_ he writes, hoping it’s going to affect Seokmin as bad as he affected him . 

Indeed, after a few seconds, his phone vibrates.

_‘Fuck touching myself now… wasn’t going to but you look so good hyung, wanna lick that off’_

_Oh my god_ is this filthy, but his cock twitches in interest, like he could maybe go again if he wasn’t so exhausted already from Seokmin’s words, the image of his tongue licking him clean while looking up at him.

 _‘Then touch yourself Minnie, but be quiet yeah? Wouldn’t want your family to hear you now, right?’_ he writes, both hands on his phone. _‘Touch yourself slow, like I would, tight. Rub on the underside, twist your wrist, but slow. No rush, yeah?’_

 _‘Yeah.. But so close’_ Seokmin answers.

 _‘Do you want to come, Seokmin-ah? Then come, baby, let go for me, but keep quiet. Don’t want anyone else to hear you but me,’_ he writes, giddy at how interesting and yet so strange it is, to imagine Seokmin who seems to always be so loud biting down on his fist so nobody hears him, coming so quickly because of a picture Soonyoung sent him.

 _‘You good?’_ he texts when Seokmin doesn’t say anything for a couple minutes.

 _‘Yeah… Though I’m gonna have fun explaining to my parents why I’m wearing my blazer when there’s like 85 degrees in this house now… I got cum on my shirt definitely doesn’t sound great…”_ Soonyoung laughs out loud when he reads the message, feeling just a little bit bad for making Seokmin jerk off in his grandparents’ house during a family event.

 _‘I’m sorry I was so needy’,_ he writes, then replaces _needy_ with _pushy_ , because it sounds a bit better to him.

_‘You weren’t!! I wanted it too… and I hope you don’t want me to pretend I didn’t save that picture…’_

_‘Haha I wouldn’t, don’t worry. I sent it to you ;)’_

_‘Also… just for future reference… maybe I kind of… like you calling me things…’_

_‘Like what?’_ he writes, because he wants Seokmin to say it.

 _‘You’re making me blush…’_ Soonyoung waits. _‘Like baby… or Minnie…’_  He grins.

 _‘Duly noted baby,’_ he writes, changing Seokmin’s contact name to Minnie. He quite likes that nickname too, making a note in his mind to buy Seokmin something with Minnie Mouse just for the sake of it.

 _‘Don’t use that against me! Also I gotta go, my mom just texted to come down… thank heck she has good timing…’_ Soonyoung chuckles again, thinking how bad it would probably have been if his family heard him or walked into the room or something. Soonyoung would’ve felt so guilty.

_‘Go Minnie! Text me later yeah?’_

_‘Okay! Relax well!’_ Seokmin writes back and adds a kissing emoji that Soonyoung returns before he turns off his phone and groans, even through his smile. He was so clean before and now he has to shower again, preferably quickly. A glance at the app tells him pizza is less than 10 minutes away, so despite his exhaustion, he jumps up and goes to shower, waiting afterwards on his couch for the delivery guy.

He’s even happier and lighter than before, chirping a thank you to the delivery guy that is entirely too out of place for a rainy Friday evening, but he talked to Seokmin, got off with him and it was really good, and now he has pizza and the promise of a relaxing night. Things are going well, and for the first time in a long time, he doesn’t think about anything else, just how content he is now and how okay with being by himself.

* * *

The weekend passes amongst him catching up with TV shows, hanging around the apartment with Jihoon, as well as Jeonghan, Joshua and Mingyu, who for some reason invite themselves for a movie night when they heard Soonyoung bought snacks. They watch a stupid horror one and Mingyu is the only one admittedly scared (Jihoon won’t admit it), but it’s fun. They significantly halve their snacks stock, and even if Soonyoung pretends to mind, he doesn’t really. Jeonghan also comes over on Sunday so they finish their assignment early this week, and all in all, things are looking great.

He’s scrambling to come up with a project proposal for one of his major’s classes by Monday, but he suddenly gets an idea when he’s at the campus café in the evening and he sees two girls playing thumb war with massive smiles on their faces, laughing and punching playfully at each other. He might be wrong, but he sees the love in their eyes, and suddenly feels like he’s intruding on a private moment.

He’s been thinking about doing something LGBT related for a while, because no matter the political climate and societal views, it’s something he believes in not only for himself, but for so many other people. Most of his friends he has now he’s met because of LGBT events on campus either because they belonged or because they just wanted to show support, and thus it’s one of the most important things for him, to make sure they’re seen and not ignored, especially since their campus is supportive. So maybe he’ll go extra this year and plan a whole musical-like choreography, people jumping on tables or stuff, joining from everywhere, or maybe he’ll do something simpler, more heartfelt, like a couple piece where they’re separate but still mirroring each other, connected somehow. He’ll talk to Minghao tonight, see what he’s thinking of and run some stuff by him, and he’ll have the time for the rest of the week to think of something concrete.

Just when he’s engrossed in his thoughts, Jihoon comes to meet him so they can walk together to the gym. He’s in a good mood, so he ruffles Jihoon’s hair, takes the warning glance and chuckles alongside him. And just when they exit the café, he looks up and makes eye contact with no one else but Seokmin, who’s heading their way with who looks like Seungkwan. In a split second, he wonders what to do, what would be appropriate and the least awkward as this would be at least a little, but Seokmin beats him to it.

“Hyuuuung!” he almost shouts, smiling wide at Soonyoung when he approaches.

“You’re back?” he asks, the same smile on his face.

“Yup, it was a weekend thing, thank god it’s done. Thank you for keeping me company for a bit of it!” he looks perfectly composed, the asshole, like they just chatted about the weather and he doesn’t have a photo on his phone of Soonyoung… well. He’s blushing now and it must be obvious, at a loss for words for a few seconds. He’ll never hear the end of this from Jihoon.

“You’re welcome, you fool. We gotta go to the gym, but I’ll text you?” he doesn’t stumble over his words. Not at all.

“Okay hyung. See you around!” he says and walks away, waving.

It’s when they’re further away that Soonyoung takes the chance to look at Jihoon, who’s grinning like he’s won the lottery.

“You didn’t even introduce us!”

“Shut up!” he says, and punches Jihoon lightly on the shoulder. He was so awkward, oh god.

“You kept him company, huh? You like him a lot then,” Jihoon continues to grin, like he’s not embarrassing Soonyoung like hell, emphasizing on the company like he knows exactly what Soonyoung did. “Wait until Jeonghan hears about this.”

“No, you won’t!”

“Oh, yes I will!”

Soonyoung’s peaceful life is over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have watched that damn video of Soonyoung dancing to Strawberry Bubblegum at least one hundred times, guaranteed... I probably know it by heart by now. 
> 
> If the texts are a bit awkward, that's because they should be. Hope you enjoyed it!


	4. the change

It’s been more than two weeks since they’ve finalized the choreography for their winter show, and Soonyoung is excited to see it all come together. This year he’s finally done what he’s always wanted to do since he started dancing in the crew freshman year: take in absolutely everyone that wanted to audition for the group and spread it into a beginner and an advanced group. The beginners are doing fantastic, their pieces great and their technique significantly improved from when they started around a month or so ago. The credits should mostly go to Minghao and Junhui, because they’ve helped more than Soonyoung as he had to focus on the advanced group, but still, he’s immensely proud of them.

He’s proud of the entire achievements for the show this year: he’s managed to put in a live performance with fifteen people in the advanced show, enlisting the help of his singer and rapper friends as well as some of his dancers, and managed to have two guest choreographers make and teach pieces for each of the groups which were learned in a weekend each.

The beginner show is great, and yet, halfway through seeing the first full run of the advanced one, during one of the dances he’s not in, Minghao joins him, observing.

“Are you thinking the same thing?” he asks Minghao, not taking his eyes away from the piece.

“I think so.”

“It’s not enough, Hao… Everything is great, the dancers are fantastic, the pieces are good and yet… it’s just not there, I didn’t make it.”

“Aren’t you being too hard on yourself? I know you need to prove yourself but…”

Soonyoung has to prove himself, as the only junior who has ever taken the captain and main choreographer role, but it’s more than that. It’s about not putting anything out there that is even a dash below his standards for his team, not only for himself.

“Yes but… I can’t imagine putting on a show that I’m not 120% sure about. I wanted something big, something more shocking, lasting. People will see this, say ‘wow they’re great’, walk out and then probably not mention it after the day.”

“What are you thinking about then?”

“Do you think we can… do something darker? Sexier maybe, a bit classier, more impressive? We have time I think, we could do it,” he asks Minghao directly, ideas popping up in his brain.

“Hmm, are you thinking sexy or cold?”

“Both maybe? What if we go with something like red and black themed stuff? Think about it… we can keep the live piece because it fits, and the guest one too… But the smaller ones, the solos… we can push it further, have something more intense, more hardcore. Like think dark suits, red lights, maybe some harnesses and stuff because that’s fashionable now, powerful choreo…”

Minghao looks at him for a good few seconds, not saying anything.

“Is this because you’re hooking up with someone now?”

Soonyoung sputters, giving himself whiplash with how fast he moves his head.

“No, and who told you that?”

“Jeonghan… He said you’re having more fun recently, and it makes sense. You’re finally dating someone who’s not an asshole to you and making you feel better about your sexuality so you’re more comfortable.”

“I’m not dating him.” he contradicts, but hates how in one small part there, Minghao is actually reading this right. In the two times he’s messed around with Seokmin, he’s made Soonyoung feel better about himself and the things he wants, but it’s not regular, not at all, so how is that obvious?

“Funny how that’s the one thing you choose to say no to,” Minghao smirks, chuckling at him like Soonyoung knows he’s right too. Damn this. “But anyway, if you want to change stuff, everyone will agree, you know that. Maybe just not the beginners. I also think we can show more.”

“Yeah, definitely not the beginners. And I know they will, but is it a good idea? We have a bit more than a month and two weeks left to make new choreos, get new costumes, arrangements. It’s going to be hard work." 

“You’re the captain, you make the call. But I think if you think we can do it, we can. It’s more than a month, we’ll learn.”

It’s a split-second decision but Soonyoung doesn’t need more time. He’s made it since the first spark of dissatisfaction he had at himself for not putting out something good enough.

“Everyone, let’s gather. I have some ideas,” he announces when the piece they’re watching is over. He just hopes nobody will hate him for this.

* * *

“Jihoonie,” he sings, first thing after he walks in and sees Jihoon on the couch, eating his damn ramen dry again.

“If you say something about what I’m eating, I swear…”

“I won’t. If you help me,” he appeals, sitting down on the couch, eyes trained intensely on Jihoon.

“What do you need?” Jihoon sighs after a few seconds, turning to Soonyoung. Yes.

“Some of the songs you’ve written before and we’ve recorded demos to but you gave up on. Can we record them properly? And some others if I think of some stuff?”

“Why do you need them now?”

“I’m changing our entire winter show, except like a couple of pieces, and I want some original stuff. Some of the ones we’ve made before would fit perfectly.”

“Which ones?” Jihoon narrows his eyes at Soonyoung.

“Like the one you said sounds like a Taemin song, I think I wanna have my solo to it. And the untitled one with the weird personality stuff, you know which one, Flower because I know you want to finish it anyway. I have another idea for one with a few people one that would be a bit more ethereal-like, and maybe one of Seungcheol’s crew’s songs if they’ll let me use one I like. It would be quick, I promise, because we have most of the lyrics and beats except like one. Please, I need this,” he begs, pleading with his eyes at Jihoon. “I’ll help you with whatever, I’ll do laundry for two weeks.”

“You already do that.”

“I’ll take over all your chores until the end of the semester, and buy you dinner. For a week. A month.”

Jihoon sighs. 

“You don’t have to. I’ll help you.”

Soonyoung beams, throwing his hands up in joy.

“Thank you Jihoonie,” he chirps and hugs him tight, Jihoon reluctantly hugging him back.

“If we can get all of this done this weekend. I have my projects coming up so I reserved a studio for the entire weekend, but I don’t know if we can do it after that.”

“If we don’t have everything by next week’s practices, I’m screwed as well. So we’ll do it this weekend, I’ll take tonight to figure out exactly what I need and text the people I need, two days is enough.”

“Come here, I’ll look over our previous demos with you,” Jihoon throws at him when he’s going to his room to get his own laptop and some paper. When he comes back, he drops it all on the couch and hugs Jihoon again.

“Seriously Jihoon, thank you. I really owe you.”

“You look like you’re desperate and it’s okay, I might use them stuff for credit as well.”

He probably won’t because it’s unlikely he’s going to need more than one of the songs Soonyoung wants, but he’s trying to make Soonyoung not feel as guilty for asking him for help, so he hugs and thanks him again.

“Which one of their rap songs do you want?”

“That one they’ve done once last semester and you went crazy when Seungcheol rapped, where he says something something scream before the rock chorus. It’s mostly him and Mingyu, in the beginning, I forgot the name,” he says, pen in hand and laptop open to figure the songs out.

Jihoon blushes and Soonyoung can’t help but laugh, remembering how Jihoon ignored Seungcheol after that gig at the club because he was so flustered and too embarrassed to show it, and Seungcheol hadn’t confessed yet. It was also during the time Soonyoung had a little crush on Mingyu, so that night was not easy at all for them both.

“Problem?”

“Probably,” Soonyoung hums and Jihoon plays something.

“Yup, it’s that one,” he acknowledges, and then remembers the gig. He had that song stuck in his head for the rest of the night, and he could only imagine how badass a choreography he could make to that, formations and movements swirling in his head. 

Jihoon lowers the volume just a little, Mingyu’s voice still blasting through the speakers, and turns to look at Soonyoung.

“Do you still like Mingyu?”

 _‘What’s up with people asking weird questions today’_ , he thinks, before he looks at Jihoon, rolling his eyes.

“What are you saying? I never did.”

“You don’t fool me. Just saying, if you _still_ do, you might wanna hurry and do something before things get serious with Seokmin. He’s willing.” Soonyoung pauses for a second to process what Jihoon said. If he told their friends how much of a gossip queen Jihoon is, nobody would believe him, probably except Jeonghan, who usually feeds him the crazy ideas which are, usually, about Soonyoung.

“He’s not and even if he was, it doesn’t matter. Also nothing is getting serious with Seokmin.”

“Think about it,” Jihoon shrugs.

In truth, if things with Seokmin didn’t seem to be something, maybe he would have paid some mind to Jihoon’s words. However, even if he and Seokmin aren’t dating or anything, he already feels kind of committed, like he doesn’t want anyone else. It’s a dangerous road to go down on when he’s not exactly sure about Seokmin’s feelings, but it is how it is.

“You’re freaky. No wonder, since you’re dating Seungcheol,” he grins at Jihoon, accepting the punch he gets to the shoulder as earned, pouting and making weird faces at Jihoon after until he relents and smiles.

* * *

 They settled the time for the recording of the live piece he got most of his friends and friends’ friends to join for as Friday night, around 10 PM, and yet Friday at 8 PM, when Seungcheol joins Jihoon and him in the studio, they realize they don’t have enough people to do the power vocal parts and he forgot about it.

He didn’t think about it because he had fifteen people working with the original demo, out of which most were vocals. The choreography was done too, easy but flashy, and he just needed to record the song and teach the choreography. But Jihoon doesn’t think the song will sound good and Soonyoung has to agree; Dongho can’t do all the high note parts since they’re too many and too high for his voice to not strain, and none of him, Jihoon, Jeonghan, Joshua, nor Minki and Aron can either. He suggests lowering them, but the thing sounds off, and Jihoon refuses to ruin his song, which he agrees with, so he calls Jeonghan and puts him on speaker, borderline desperate.

“Why are you calling so early? We’ll be there in a couple of hours.”

“Hyung, I need your help. We don’t have enough vocals.”

“What do you mean you don’t have enough vocals? You have like 10,” Jeonghan says through the phone, like he’s calling Soonyoung dumb, which he admittedly is.

“Yes but none except Dongho have the range we need for the high vocals, so no doubling and no harmonies."

“So what do you need me for?”

“Do you or Joshua have anyone that could help? On such short notice? At least with the vocals, not the choreography if it’s too much.”

Jeonghan takes a few seconds, humming. “You do,” he finally answers.

“What do you mean?” Soonyoung’s confused; he’s exhausted all the people he knows when he started figuring out this piece. 

“Think about it. Who do you know that sings for his major?”

God damn…

“Would he do it? Do you think I should?”

Jihoon looks at him with the question obvious in his eyes.

“Ask him, and then have him ask Seungkwan as well. I have _no doubt_ the two of them will do it.”

“Why do you have no doubt him and Seungkwan will do it?”

“Seokmin because it’s you, and… who’s with you?” Soonyoung ignores the first part of the sentence.

“Jihoon and Seungcheol.”

“Okay… hear this…” This is the sign that Jeonghan is about to drop some gossip, and despite himself, Soonyoung is curious.

“I think I know what this is about,” Seungcheol says to his right, grinning, and Jihoon looks like he does as well.

“Yup, you probably do… Soonyoung, you were already _gone_ ,” Jeonghan coughs, “that night at the club, but Seungkwan definitely liked someone from the guys’ crew.” 

“Who?”

“Guess.”

Seungcheol is already taken and Seungkwan would obviously see that, but besides that… everyone’s fair game, he has no idea.

“You have me beat here… no clue…" 

“It’s Vernon,” Jihoon interjects from next to him.

“Really?” Soonyoung gasps. “How do you know?" 

“They were talking for a while and then I think they danced for a bit. It was pretty obvious, but Vernon was oblivious, even if I’m sure he was into him too, so nothing happened,” Jeonghan answers, and Soonyoung chuckles, because that sounds like the Vernon he knows.

“He’s a freshman that hasn’t figured out anything yet, cut him some slack,” Soonyoung finds himself saying. “But I’ll ask Seokmin about him and Seungkwan anyway, thanks hyung.”

“See you soon, Soonie,” Jeonghan chirps and ends the call. 

“You’re gonna call him?” Jihoon asks, turned to him lounging on the couch.

“I don’t have a choice, do I?” he laments, and texts Seokmin. _‘Can you call me?’_

They start working on the songs again when he doesn’t have any answer for a couple of minutes, before his phone rings.

“Hi, you good? Your text was a bit weird,” Seokmin asks first thing when Soonyoung answers the phone.

“Hi, I’m okay, yeah, thanks for calling me. I wanted to ask you something, if you don’t mind.” Jihoon and Seungcheol are looking at him expectantly.

“Go ahead,” Seokmin chirps, his tone light, and Soonyoung feels better about asking him this.

“I need a few people to lend their vocals for a song we’re recording for my show, with most of the people you’ve met at the club before actually… but we need someone who can do high notes and with powerful voices. So I thought about you, and maybe Seungkwan if you two can? I would owe you my life,” he asks, voice pleading.

“Of course, if we can help! I’m honored you thought of me,” Seokmin says, laughing, and Soonyoung can hear his smile through the phone. “When do you need us?”

“Like tonight? In an hour and a half or so, at around 10? Are you free?”

“I mean I am, but let me ask Seungkwan!” He waits a few seconds, telling Jihoon and Seungcheol he’s asking Seungkwan; the latter laughs, like he knows already what the answer will be.

“We’re both free, where should we come?”

“Oh my god, thank you thank you,” Soonyoung echoes, relieved, and it seems he’s been doing a lot of asking for favors lately. “Come to the music building on the 3rd floor, room 319.”

“Okay, I know where that is! See you soon!”

“Thank you so much Minnie, I owe you and Seungkwan. But we have tons of food, at least. See you later!”

When he ends the call, Jihoon is quiet and smirking at him like he’s won the lottery again.

“Minnie?” 

“Shh.”

* * *

At 9:55 he realizes Seokmin is going to meet his friends. Not that he doesn’t know them, it’s just that he’s going to meet his friends as the person Soonyoung has ‘something’ with, and knowing his friends, it will not be pleasant.

He makes peace with that fact and moves around to see who’s here; everyone but Seokmin and Seungkwan, as well as Jeonghan and Joshua is here, chatting or warming up. It’s a really tight fit in the studio that should really fit maybe 8 or 9 people but everybody makes it work.

“Ask them now,” Jihoon nudges him towards the rap crew, who are studying their parts with Jonghyun in a corner, checking flows and diction. Soonyoung crouches near them and tries not to think about what Jihoon had said when Mingyu is next to him.

“Guys, I wanted to ask you something,” everybody stops and turns to look at him, and for some reason, he feels a bit nervous. “Last semester, at that massive club gig you performed a really cool song, Problem. Would you be okay with me choreographing something for the show for that?”

“Sure, you have it?” Seungcheol answers, chill, and why was Soonyoung nervous?

“Jihoonie does, yeah. Thanks, I owe you like my life like twice over by now.”

“Nah you don’t owe us anything, we’re kind of looking forward to the dancing,” Vernon grins, and maybe Soonyoung has a chance of convincing him to join next semester. The kid’s a great dancer with tons of potential. 

“Most of us are,” Wonwoo grumbles, but Soonyoung knows better, and shoves his shoulder, grinning.

“But why Problem?” Mingyu asks suddenly. “It’s very rap focused, and not our best honestly.”

“I mean, from that song, to be honest, if you didn’t like Jihoon, Seungcheol…” he jokes, grinning at Seungcheol who laughs at him in return. “Kidding, you were all fantastic on it and it really stuck with me, I want to do the intro on it, I think. It has the intro feel, it goes hard and the chorus is super powerful, and it’s perfectly on the vibe I want to give,” he explains, as he had done most of the choreo of it already, and it is going to be so good Soonyoung is already excited.

“I want to see it, when you finish it up,” Mingyu tells him, looking up at him.

“I’ll show it to you for sure before I finish it, get opinions; maybe when we practice this one I’ll show it to you after. But seriously, thank you so much, for that and recording now and the performance… I am super excited to do this,” he tells the five of them, because he is. Honestly, he doesn’t think he has ever been more excited about anything ever in his life than he is for this show, now that it’s finally heading somewhere he didn’t think he ever had the courage to go.

“Let’s do it then, I think everyone is here,” Seungcheol announces, getting up. 

Indeed, when he gets up, he sees Seokmin and Seungkwan, with Jeonghan between them, leading them in, and Joshua behind, smiling at him. Seokmin seems to look for something before he catches his eyes and winks, smiling. Soonyoung winks back and grins, heading to the board.

“Okay, now that everyone is here, I have to say again thank you so much for agreeing to do this and giving your time, now and later,” he starts. “I am seriously so excited for this because it’s the first time we had a live performance in the show and you all are amazing people who also are fantastic artists and dancers, so this is going to be badass,” he smiles. “So let’s do this, if you have the sheets, we’ll play the demo, start recording in that order and then see what works and what doesn’t, and switch it later if needed.”

They play the demo that’s actually just him and Seungcheol, and he gets embarrassed because he’s definitely not that good of a singer, he didn’t hit all the parts quite right, and everybody is paying attention to him but it’s okay, they’re about to make this better.

“Whew, it’s a good song,” Seungkwan whistles, and right, they haven’t heard this before. “You can definitely put the high notes higher though, we can do them.” Jihoon smirks at him like this is what he’s wanted to hear all his life, but everyone else that doesn’t know why Seokmin and Seungkwan are suddenly here is a bit confused.

“Oh yeah, I forgot,” Soonyoung starts, forgetting he had only told Dongho, “Seokmin and Seungkwan are our friends, they’ve come to help with the higher vocal parts because they needed to be spread. This is why we needed new distributions,” he explains, and everyone nods and hums, acknowlegding. They get back to business, Joshua heading to the recording booth first and Jihoon and him turn their focus on him, the room suddenly quiet.

He’s never done this with Jihoon, just done the recording part when he needed him, so this is new and kind of scary; how is he going to tell when something sounds good and when it does not? Jihoon senses his nervousness and nudges him to chill, and he is once more grateful to whatever gods exist for his best friend. 

Jihoon takes the reins and handles the recordings in a better order than he would have, of course, and over time he gets the hang of it. It’s when Seungkwan comes up to record that he realizes he doesn’t know how he and Seokmin actually sound; Jeonghan suggested them and he knows they are musical theater majors, but he has no idea how their voices are. He immediately panics because what if they don’t fit, what if this won’t work and he has to be awful with them and _tell them_ it doesn’t work? Jihoon just goes ahead and instructs Seungkwan to start before Soonyoung can say anything, so he just swallows his doubts.

And then Seungkwan opens his mouth and sings, and Soonyoung’s jaw drops. He sounds _fantastic_ , controlled and talented as hell, almost like nobody Soonyoung’s ever heard before. Next to him, Seungcheol chuckles and whispers to him.

“What did you expect?”

“I don’t know, but _fuck,_ he’s _good._ I almost regret asking them now." 

“Why?”

“He’s too good, hyung.”

He’s impressed as long as Seungkwan records, his high notes also controlled and supported. And yet, it’s when Seokmin goes up that he gets even more nervous for some reason; he’s probably great too, but it’s _Seokmin_ and his heart beats hard.

But then he starts singing and Soonyoung thinks he has definitely passed on to the next life. His voice is different, unique, and Soonyoung can’t take his eyes away, jaw on the floor while Jihoon leads him through the recording. Seungcheol leaves Soonyoung to die in peace this time.

When the three main vocals start recording together the harmonies and some of the parts that don’t sound good separately, Soonyoung is sure he is going to pass out in the next few seconds. It’s irrational because they’re all so good, but Seokmin is _so talented_ on top of everything else Soonyoung can’t get over that or take his eyes off of him, fascinated. He would like to say a switch has been flipped or something, but it just feels natural, like he’s falling for Seokmin so quickly. 

“That was awesome guys,” Jihoon says and snaps Soonyoung out of his trance, who thanks them as well.

“Okay, I think we have everything and we didn’t need to change much, so we’re good here. We’ll be working on this in the next few days and then we’ll send it to you, you’re all free,” Jihoon affirms, some of the people heading to go out because they have places to be on a Friday night, go figure. Soonyoung confirms that everyone can still do Sunday for the first rehearsal, but then he figures something out.

“Wait, Jihoon, most of the songs aren’t done but do you think we can do Flower now too? Everyone’s here and it’s done,” he asks Jihoon, who ponders it for a few seconds.

“Jeonghan can’t do all the vocals though.”

“I’m pretty sure the person he wanted to ask was someone who’s here, because he said a freshman that’s majoring in musical theatre.”

“Seungkwan then?”

“Probably.”

“Make sure Vernon stays back too then,” Jihoon tells him and pushes him to ask Jeonghan.

He confirms it, Seungkwan says he can do it now, everyone else is available from the weird group Jihoon said he wants for this song and he won’t ask, just steps back and lets him do the work.

He goes back to hang out with everyone else who’s here for a while, and when Seungkwan goes to record, Soonyoung feels someone sit next to him. There’s no need for him to look to know it’s Seokmin.

“You…”

“What?” Seokmin chuckles.

“I didn’t know you were so good.”

“So you just called us here to record something without knowing how we sounded?” he laughs in disbelief.

“Pretty much. Jeonghan approved it, so.” 

“Dumb, hyung. But you’re a really good singer too,” Seokmin says and yawns, leaning his head on Soonyoung’s shoulder.

“Tired?” he observes, moving his head to whisper to Seokmin, and realizes how late it actually is, a bit after midnight. Him and Jihoon will probably have to stay back and finish up the tracks, but he’s not ready for it.

“Hmm, a bit. But it’s not bad, I’ll live,” he mumbles, sounding already half-asleep. Soonyoung chuckles and leans his head on Seokmin’s, looking at how the recording is going. They’re almost done, it seems, Seungcheol recording his last part in the song. He doesn’t know why, but he feels that they won’t stay back tonight to finish the songs.

Jeonghan gives him a raised eyebrow and Soonyoung makes sure to roll his eyes when he sees him. He doesn’t know if anybody said anything to Seokmin while he was recording but he thinks his friends aren’t mean, just like annoying him, so probably they didn’t. 

All of a sudden, Seokmin pats his thigh and gets up, saying he’ll come back in a second, and goes away to talk to Seungkwan in a corner. Jihoon comes to him, says they should meet in the morning to fix up the songs before they finish the others, like he thought, and Soonyoung agrees, because all of a sudden he is too tired as well, the long days this week catching up to him. Seokmin comes back, dropping down next to him.

“I’ve been dumped for tonight.”

“By Seungkwan?” he asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah, he’s going to get something to eat with Vernon, apparently.”

“Really?” Soonyoung grins, obviously having a field day with the idea. Jeonghan is going to love this too. 

“You know? How?” Seokmin raises his eyebrows at him, surprised.

“Jeonghan,” he says, like it’s explanation enough.

“Nothing really passes by him, does it?” It’s a rhetorical question because they both know nothing does.

“Do you want to come back with me then?” Soonyoung asks because cuddling doesn’t sound so bad right now. “Only if we sleep though because I’m exhausted.”

Seokmin smiles at him.

“Of course."

* * *

 

Half an hour later, when he’s half-naked in Seokmin’s lap and kissing him like it’s the last time he’ll get to, Seokmin stops him.

“Only if we sleep?” Seokmin chuckles, like he’s making fun of him, _the nerve._

“Are you complaining?” 

“Of course not,” he admits, and drags Soonyoung back down to bite at his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter without smut! I wanted to develop Soonyoung’s passion for dance and his college stuff a bit more, so this is more detailed.
> 
> If you don’t know which hip-hop unit performance I’m talking about, get ready to have your mind blown: https://youtu.be/J0szfNxsSJI


	5. the desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that school started again, I am probably going to be posting every weekend instead of more times a week as I tried to until now, but I hope you'll enjoy the story anyway! As last time, please listen to the song in the text while reading the story; it's written to it so it fits well! (I love Monsta X, just putting that out there.)
> 
> WARNINGS NOW: This story will involve mentions of depression, toxic relationships (past) and some forms of mentioned sexual assault (also past); I don't want to trigger anyone, but I guess at this point it's important for me to write about this somehow, and the process of healing involved, which the character is very much doing. I hope you'll still continue to read this, and please please if at any point something makes you feel uncomfortable or you feel it is portrayed in a way that is triggering besides the fact it exists, let me know and I will do my best to fix it. However, if you don't want to read about it, please do not; it's just a story and your mental health is always more important. You can always contact me for anything as well, and I will also be updating the tags soon to fit in pretty much everything going on in this story. 
> 
> ALSO! This chapter contains Jicheol smut, just because I really like writing them and it fit into the story; if you don't want to read it, skip the last scene, no issues with that; but I hope you'll like it too!

“Are we this kind of people now? That fuck in someone’s room at a party?”

“Looks like it,” Soonyoung counters, backing Seokmin up against the door. Even if he wanted to survive the night without popping a boner he couldn’t have, that with how Seokmin was letting himself be grinded on by Jeonghan and had the guts to look like he enjoyed it, laughing and grabbing on Jeonghan’s hips. He wasn’t jealous of Jeonghan, just kind of... jealous that he wasn’t in Jeonghan’s position. But only a little bit.

“Are you okay with this?” he asked Joshua who was nursing an orange juice next to him, pointing a finger at his boyfriend.

“Yeah. He’s doing it for you anyway, so.”

“For me?”

“Yeah, because you said you wouldn’t hook up with Seokmin tonight. Some of them have a bet about how much you’ll last, Jeonghan dressed Seokmin too.”

He noticed thank you very much, with how his jeans look painted on his legs and the rips are so far up you might see his underwear, if Seokmin is wearing any. Knowing Jeonghan, it’s a valid question.

So okay, maybe Soonyoung failed when Jeonghan winked at him and dragged a finger over Seokmin’s chest, not breaking eye contact, and okay, this was getting ridiculous. He just wanted to put Seokmin out of his misery.

“You told Jeonghan you wouldn’t hook up with me tonight. Changed your mind?” Seokmin grins at him, deadly with his bitten lips and messy hair, all Soonyoung’s doing.

“I wasn’t going to but then you went and put on a show and I just wanted to save you from the humiliation,” he huffs, attempting to hold on to the last vestiges of dignity he has.

“Okay, hyung, but I was enjoying it. If it’s just that, I can go back,” he grins at Soonyoung again, the fucker, playing dumb with him.

“Oh come on,” Soonyoung counters and attaches himself to Seokmin’s lips again, a dumb smile playing on his face even though he doesn’t want it there.

He even lets Seokmin make a mess out of his hair, alternating between tugging it and smoothing it down when Soonyoung drops to his knees for him. He’s almost reverent with how he caresses Soonyoung like he’s not doing something filthy like choking on his cock, enthusiastic and sloppy because he’s learned Seokmin likes it like that and Soonyoung doesn’t have time to play. Spit drips past his lips and Seokmin swipes it up and over his bottom lip, grabbing his cheek to feel himself in Soonyoung’s mouth.

“Soonyoungie...” he moans, way too loud, but Soonyoung just goes to town harder on him, taking him as deep as he can, almost all the way down his throat. He’s almost choking now but he holds it back, laughing in his head at how smitten he is.

Swallowing around him, he reaches his hand to put Seokmin’s back in his hair because he really likes that, and Seokmin tugs, a little too hard, just like Soonyoung likes it. Seokmin is blurry when he looks up and takes his cock out of his open mouth, putting it on his outstretched tongue and waiting.

Seokmin groans and Soonyoung smiles, knowing what he must look like right now.

“Do you want me to...?”

“Yes, do it,” Soonyoung answers, licking his lips and opening his mouth again. Seokmin does as he’s asked though, and tugs at himself with the hand not pulling at Soonyoung’s hair, coming all over his tongue and lips with a low moan, raspy and loud. He doesn’t take his eyes away from Soonyoung and he looks like he’s worshipping Soonyoung even though he’s the one on his knees.

Soonyoung makes a show of licking his lips and swallowing the cum in his mouth when Seokmin’s hand touches his throat to feel him swallow. He hates the taste but it’s in his mouth anyway and he loves how it makes Seokmin go a little crazy, so it’s worth it. He doesn’t have to speak, just moves up with Seokmin’s hands still in his hair and on his neck, doing his best to find the angle that he can grind on Seokmin best.

“Need help?” Seokmin asks, eyes still kind of glazed over, malleable. This glow looks fantastic on him, Soonyoung decides, and wonders if he’ll just be able to get himself off like that, with Seokmin’s hands where they are.

He’s probably not going to be able to though, so he hums in agreement and lets Seokmin pull his cock out of his pants, working it slow, twisting his wrist and rubbing on the underside of the head. He’s going all out, he thinks, when the hand on his nape pulls his head until Seokmin’s tongue is on his neck, licking up his collarbones, and he’s so sensitive there he loses all ability to think.

Seokmin knows his weaknesses by now, knows how his knees turn to jelly when his neck is touched, so he knows to grab Soonyoung’s waist and push him on the door instead. He doesn’t last long, how could he when Seokmin is literally making out with his neck and leaving little bites, and he comes hard, the pleasure making him gasp and shiver. Seokmin brings his hand up with his eyes boring into Soonyoung’s and licks Soonyoung’s cum from his hand, Soonyoung weakly moaning at the sight. They match each other, a pair of filthy people.

He comes down slow, breathing hard, Seokmin doing the same with his forehead resting on Soonyoung’s temple.

“Wait,” Seokmin quickly throws out, like he’s just realized he left his stove on at home. He doesn’t even have a stove. “You’re not wearing any underwear.”

“Can’t with these pants,” he answers because he’s wearing the leather pants that he chose to wear with a very long black sweater to hide potential issues.

“And you didn’t want to hook up tonight?” Seokmin chuckles.

Soonyoung can be witty, throw out an ‘I didn’t want to hook up with you’ to tease but he doesn’t feel like that. Not at all.

“Just felt like looking good. But I also maybe lied a little bit.” Soonyoung wants this thing with Seokmin to go somewhere so he thought to himself he’d maybe wait with the sex until he could tell him, but it looks like that isn’t an option, Soonyoung is way too gone.

Seokmin tucks him back and rearranges his clothes, Soonyoung hoping nothing’s stained.

“Goal achieved. You look fantastic.” Soonyoung just kisses him, lazily making out against the door for a while. He could never get tired of kissing Seokmin, thinks about it a lot; the quiet intensity, the enthusiasm, how it feels like Seokmin is giving himself completely to Soonyoung with every single kiss and how careful he is with Soonyoung even when he kisses him hard and desperate. It says a lot for Soonyoung, maybe more than the times they’ve said they want to see each other again or date, maybe; it says something about this actually working out, Soonyoung making sure to be careful with Seokmin in return.

He helps Seokmin get dressed eventually, and when they walk out, he doesn’t care that his lips look swollen like hell or that his hair and clothes are a mess. Yeah, he has Seokmin somehow, in some measure, and could scream it from the rooftops.

* * *

“What are you worried about?” Jeonghan asks, eating a bite of the too big ice cream between them. Soonyoung appreciates that, that no matter how much Jeonghan teases him and makes fun of him, he’s always there when Soonyoung needs him.

“I don’t know...”

“It’s obvious the kid likes you, come on. I don’t even need to say it.”

“I know,” Soonyoung counteracts. “I know he likes me, but if we started dating, I don’t know if it would work. He’s so carefree and I’m not, so I don’t know. I’m afraid to push it.”

“But you think it’s heading there, right?” Jeonghan asks, eating another big bite without any sort of strain.

“I think so. I mean, we hook up and meet often and we established we want to date. I just don’t know if it would work being serious.”

“You think too much, Soonyoungie. Just let things be.”

“It’s just...” he hesitates.

“You’re afraid,” Jeonghan affirms, fixing his eyes on Soonyoung. Soonyoung’s mouth purses, enough of an answer.

“Look... I can’t tell you for sure how he is but I know him and I think you know him too. Do you trust him?”

“I do... he’s been nothing but great and I don’t think he’s ever not been genuine. It’s just... irrational.”

“If he makes you feel happy and the rational part of you also tells you it’s okay... then it means you need to face the issue.”

“I know. This is what Diane said too.” Jeonghan rolls his eyes at the mention of his therapist, he never liked Soonyoung’s choice to see 'that weird foreigner chick'.

“Anyway, don’t overthink it. If it feels okay, go with it. I don’t think you’ll be pushing it, he’s just waiting for you.”

“Waiting for me?” Soonyoung asks, confused.

“When he asked me about you that first time, I told him that you just finished an ugly relationship and if he wasn’t going to accept that you were going to make the big dating decisions he shouldn’t bother.”

Soonyoung raises his eyebrows at Jeonghan, smirking.

“So you basically told him he should wait on dating me but encouraged him to hook up with me?”

“Later I did, yeah.”

“I should probably thank you then. Buy you food or something,” Soonyoung scoffs.

“Nah, I’ll keep a favor,” Jeonghan shrugs his hand at him. “Maybe I’ll need it someday.”

* * *

It hasn't been a good day, Soonyoung won't pretend. Everybody at dance seemed to be more unfocused than usual, messing up the choreography every few counts which they couldn't really afford, and the fact that his classes weren't really going great didn't help. He is frustrated, annoyed at himself and shamefully at others as well for things not going right, and he is so out of himself that not even the message from Seokmin later that evening helps him.

Like always, it's a simple ' _H_ _ow are you_ ', and Soonyoung hasn't answered him for hours.

_'Not okay, really.'_

_'Everything going well?'_ The text comes in maybe a few seconds, like Seokmin was waiting for him to answer.

 _'Things today haven't been good, I guess. Just things kind of annoying me.'_ he answers honestly, too wired up to bother pretending.

 _'Want me to come by? I can bring food and we can watch a movie!'_ Seokmin suggests, and Soonyoung frowns.

_'I don't want you to see me like this.'_

_'If you genuinely want to be alone, I won't come, tell me. But if you're just afraid I won't like it or something, I'm on my way'_ The text is slow to come, like Seokmin put thought into what he wants to say, determined to be there for Soonyoung.

 _'Okay, come.'_ he eventually texts back from his bed, biting his fingernails off. Things have been going so well between them recently, Soonyoung doesn't want to ruin it. But then, Seokmin would probably be good for him, and if he can't handle Soonyoung at his worse times, it's probably for the best he knows this now.

His shower is barely over by the time Seokmin knocks, and Soonyoung opens the door for him; Jihoon's in one of his music moods, as Soonyoung calls them, which means he's in his own world for a few days. He wants to kiss Seokmin right as he sees him, a bit more open to the idea of Seokmin fucking the issues out of him, but he doesn't get to, as Seokmin hugs him tight right as the door closes behind him.

It takes a while for Soonyoung's hands to wrap around Seokmin's back, and a while longer for him to feel himself relaxing. Seokmin just hugs him, humming occasionally, no words exchanged until Soonyoung pulls away and leads him to his room. Seokmin puts the bag of food Soonyoung's just noticed on the desk and takes his coat off, draping it carefully on Soonyoung's chair. He looks like he's at home in Soonyoung's dimly lit room, a part of it as much as Soonyoung. It's normal, how he drops himself on Soonyoung's bed, bouncing a little; he's in a good mood but he's keeping it back because Soonyoung is obviously not, eyes attentively trained on Soonyoung. He's observing, analyzing what to do while being comforting, inviting, so Soonyoung stops thinking and just drops himself next to him.

Seokmin's hands wrap around him, dragging until Soonyoung's half on top of him, tucked in the crook of his neck. It's comforting and relaxing, Soonyoung feeling himself unwind if only a little.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Seokmin mumbles from where his mouth is pressing into Soonyoung's hair.

"Not really, no. Nothing to talk about."

Somebody else would ask questions, push the obvious issues out of him, but Seokmin doesn't, just hums and squeezes him harder. From his position, Soonyoung has perfect access to suck at his neck, more a shadow of a bite than a bite itself, but Seokmin still sighs, his hand playing with the hair at Soonyoung's nape. He gets braver, biting and licking at Seokmin's jaw, the corner of his mouth, arching his neck to slot their lips together. Seokmin helps by bending his head down so Soonyoung can reach better, slipping his tongue past Soonyoung's lips. It's slow and lazy, tongues dragging over each other more than an actual kiss, but it's taking Soonyoung's focus away from everything else and to Seokmin under him, his hand holding on to Soonyoung's nape. It's barely there but Soonyoung thinks it's possessive, keeping him where Seokmin wants him; it may be just his state of mind, but he wants nothing more than for Seokmin to own him right now, take over him, make him forget.

His kisses get a tinge of desperation, hard breaths in Seokmin's mouth when he presses closer, arching his back. Seokmin catches the drill, turns to press his hand on Soonyoung's back under his shirt, arching him further into his chest. Soonyoung makes sure to lets him know how much he wants this, not breaking their kiss, pouring his want into his lips, his tongue, letting Seokmin grind on his thigh.

Except Seokmin does, pulling back.

"You don't want this," he throws, soft but firm. "You're not even hard, I don't want to do this to you."

Soonyoung wants to roll his eyes, throw himself back at him because so what, _he does want this_ , but Seokmin doesn't let him, eyes on his patient, like he's waiting for Soonyoung.

It's like a dam inside him breaks, all the feelings he's been trying to ignore flooding forward and he turns his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose hard.

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay," Seokmin says, bringing his eyes back on him.

He wants to be angry at Seokmin for not giving him what he wants, but his mood has broken and he can accept it for what it is, even though the frustration and the annoyance still pulls at him. The thoughts all flood inside Soonyoung's head and he rests his head in Seokmin's neck, trying to breathe steadily. Seokmin holds him close, comforts him with a hand in his hair; Soonyoung doesn't cry because he won't, not over this again, but he lets himself be cuddled while the thoughts rage inside his head. It's not magically better because it's not how it works, but he's been brave enough to tell Seokmin to come, Seokmin had truly come through for him, and now he understood that he has somebody next to him when it gets tough, and it's the only thing he could ask for.

* * *

Since then, something's changed. Soonyoung still hasn't told him everything and they still haven't talked about what they are, but they're something together. Seokmin's been there for Soonyoung when he's had his short episodes, and Soonyoung learned that despite how carefree he is, Seokmin has so many worries that he's yet to understand how to express, and Soonyoung tries to show Seokmin can trust him in any way he can.

They're more comfortable with being each other's something though, holding hands and just generally being flirty at the party Jihoon and him decided to throw the following weekend. It's not a big deal, maybe 30 people, but they have tons of fun until most people leave and their group of 13 remains, somehow formed through each other.

They're fairly drunk by this point, at least tipsy, so when someone proposes truth or dare, Soonyoung voluntarily goes and finds a bottle. He secretly loves these kinds of games.

They play for a long while, with dares between ridiculous and borderline inappropriate, and truths being weirdly well chosen. So far, the highlight is Seungkwan admitting he'd rather kiss Vernon if he had to from anyone in the room, and Vernon choking on his drink for a scary amount of time. Soonyoung had a good laugh after.

Soonyoung hasn't been picked for the third round yet though, and he has not one shred of a doubt that Jeonghan will pick him when it's his turn. It seems like time for him to do something.

"Soonyoung."

See, Soonyoung has always held this belief that dares are better than truths; he'd rather do something embarrassing, unlike himself maybe, rather than expose himself and his thoughts to so many people around. Even if it's Jeonghan now, he's willing to risk it.

"Dare," he says with as much confidence as he can muster, a chorus of oohs around him.

Jeonghan looks back at him, an evil smile playing on his face.

"Give a lap dance," he smirks, probably having planned this since long ago. "To Seokmin."

This is not a punishment, Soonyoung thinks while the chorus of oohs is now louder than ever, so he smirks back at Jeonghan. He grabs Seokmin's hand when he gets up and takes a look at him; Seokmin is blushing so hard his whole face and neck are red, and he looks ready to pass out.

Truthfully, Soonyoung has wanted to do this for such a long time, this is nothing but an opportunity, he thinks as he grabs Seokmin's hand and drags him towards the bedroom.

"Oh no no," he hears Jeonghan say towards him. "Here."

Everybody cheers and shouts, and Seokmin tightens his hand around Soonyoung's a tiny bit, instinctively. Fine.

He turns around, smirk still plastered on his face. He's a dancer, he has no issue performing in front of an audience; it's them that are going to regret this. And maybe Seokmin, for him Soonyoung is truthfully a bit sorry.

Jeonghan grins widely like he knows exactly what he's doing and what Soonyoung is thinking; he just wants to make a show, raise some hell, and Soonyoung is just the means to that end.

A dare's a dare though, and he intends to go through with it. The lights are off before he can even think, and all of a sudden, the room is enveloped in a dim red light, probably courtesy of the color changing lamp Jihoon has in his room; not even he's able to resist Jeonghan when something comes up in his head. It's enough to make up forms but not bright at all, and the mood switches in one second straight. Seokmin swallows audibly in front of him, and Soonyoung decides to get it over with and pushes him on a chair; everybody shuffles to see better, and before not too long, the music turns up.

Jeonghan did take mercy on everyone and picked something not extremely slow, or Soonyoung doesn't know what kind of turn this would take. Soonyoung recognizes [the song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdK8DeCOP0o), it's one of his favorites, and he doesn't hesitate to turn to Seokmin right away.

Seokmin is awkward, hands in his lap and wired up, and this won't do. Soonyoung walks behind his chair while the intro is still going, and grabs his wrists to pull them back behind the chair, making it clear they should stay there.

"Relax," Soonyoung whispers in his ear, his right hand tracing a path from Seokmin's jaw to his collarbones and down, slow over his chest. Everybody's quiet, and Soonyoung makes sure to bite his lip, fixing his eyes on the others from behind Seokmin.

The sultry vocals start, Soonyoung walking in front, his back to Seokmin as he starts dancing, slow and controlled. He doesn't move too much, focuses on rolling his hips and traveling his fingers over his sides and into his hair, slower than the beat. He lets go, forgets everyone else is there and just moves, disregarding all inhibitions. It's instinct by now, biting the tip of his tongue on a particularly deep body roll, placing his wrists together to seem like he's handcuffed for a second, knowing how to arch his back and what expressions to make to turn people on, to get them to look at him differently. It's all a game, being sexy, enchanting, and Soonyoung would like to think he has it down when dancing, letting the red light catch on angles and poses, the shadow of his face, the arch of his back, expressions taunting and mysterious.

The bridge picks up and he turns to Seokmin, walking to him until he's straddling his legs, looking down at him with an expression that says all he wants to do. He drops onto his lap right as the beat on the chorus drops, rolling his shoulders and his hips slow, controlled. Seokmin is gaping at him, swallowing hard when Soonyoung puts his hands behind his head and arches his back, throwing his head back with an open mouth and closed eyes, like he would if he was riding Seokmin.

Someone whispers a 'Holy shit' behind him and he smirks, rolling his hips more pointedly and slinking his way back from Seokmin's legs to turn around, facing everyone again. Most of their jaws are either to the floor or their eyes are wide, which gives Soonyoung the satisfaction of a job well done.

But he's not done, so he puts his hands on Seokmin's thighs to spread them and make his way between them, dropping his hips to the floor and using his leverage to make his way up slow. He makes sure to press his back onto Seokmin as he does until his ass reaches his crotch and he circles his hips, pressing and teasing. Seokmin's already hard under him and Soonyoung might be chaotic evil right now, but he's turned on as well, enjoying the feeling of knowing he's the cause of all this, the center of attention.

So he figures he might pull the last tricks in his book just because he can, turning around swiftly and dropping to his knees between Seokmin's open thighs. Seokmin groans loudly, eyes trained on him, and Soonyoung smirks and brings one of his hands from behind the chair to put it in his hair. Seokmin grabs and tugs like he would if Soonyoung was sucking him off, hard and firm even though he's trembling. Soonyoung arches his back again, dragging his lips over his clothed thighs and up, missing his crotch and moving over his stomach. He doesn't take his eyes away from Seokmin while doing it, and it's like everyone else disappears in the haze between them, Soonyoung hot and so turned on. His lips move up and up until they're on Seokmin's neck and he's straddling him again, Seokmin's hand tugging his head back for Seokmin to kiss his neck. He's taken Soonyoung's permission to touch him for granted, pressing one hand at the small of Soonyoung's back like he's so used to and keeping him flush against his body. Hands sneak under his shirt, bunching it at his waist, and Soonyoung hasn't been asked to do a striptease to take it off like he so wants to right now, but he bunches it up further, teasing.

Soonyoung says fuck it then, the song almost to an end, and kisses Seokmin hotly, pushing his tongue past his lips filthily. The beat is quick now and he's moving his hips quicker in turn, harder, remembering the fact that he's supposed to be putting on a show and not getting lost in Seokmin's touches. He could easily come like this, the feeling of being watched getting him _so turned on_ , and he quickens his pace in Seokmin's lap, pressing more pointedly and kissing him more insistently, chasing pleasure now. But the song ends before too long, so he hesitantly untangles himself from Seokmin and turns around, Seokmin's hands pressing possessive on his hips. Once the mood is broken and even through the next sexy song that starts, Soonyoung shivers at how he was just so ready to literally come in Seokmin's lap in a room full of his friends.

Everybody's either shocked or smirking, and Soonyoung notices, even through the red light, how some of them are red. He's trembling, wired up now, and he knows very well from how Jeonghan's attached to Joshua, how Seungcheol's hand is under Jihoon's shirt on his hip and everybody else seems either ready to make out with somebody or halfway to leaving with their boyfriends that this party's over. He doesn't think about the consequences, about how most of these people will probably fuck tonight with some vague memory of him, so it's okay.

It's vaguely awkward but he laughs through it, barely registering the conversations but making sure to light up the mood when everyone's leaving so it's not too bad, but his thoughts are only on Seokmin right now, and getting him in his bed. People clap him on his back though, impressed or something, and Jeonghan makes sure to pointedly smirk at him before leaving. This is not the last time this will be brought up but he groans and accepts it.

Before soon, everybody's left including Jihoon, probably fully intending to make use of Seungcheol's single, so they're alone.

"Holy shit baby."

* * *

Jihoon's always felt tiny in his arms, and although he would never admit it because Jihoon would be so uncomfortable, he loves it so much. Right now, he loves how big his hands look on Jihoon's ribs, his waist, as the boy grinds on him, determined and firm. His ass is glistening with lube from how Seungcheol fingered him so sloppily earlier, and he feels so wet and so good grinding on Seungcheol's cock. His back is to Seungcheol and he gets to see it all, how his cock disappears between Jihoon's cheeks, catching at his rim sometimes but Jihoon doesn't let up, reducing Seungcheol to a groaning mess. He's said he wants it, and now he's got to "suffer the consequences."

There's really no consequences though when Jihoon is arching his back so prettily for him, his full ass on display, and Seungcheol can't help slap a large hand on one of his cheeks, rubbing at the red mark afterward.

"That's it, baby," he groans, and Jihoon moans, pressing back against his chest. Seungcheol loves Jihoon like this, when he lets go and forgets about who he has to pretend to be to himself, bringing out his needier side. It makes Seungcheol feel special that Jihoon trusts him this much to take care of him, enough to let himself want freely.

He hugs Jihoon close, one hand on his cock and the other across his chest, keeping him close. He's barely moving now, slow grinds on Seungcheol, so he kisses his neck, whispering in his ear.

"Can I fuck you now, Jihoonie?" he asks, his voice deep and gravely, and Jihoon shivers, nodding his head.

He grabs Jihoon from where he's settled between his legs and picks him up so he's straddling him, pulling him slowly towards his cock and inching in little by little, making sure Jihoon feels it all, moaning loudly.

The position's terrible, Jihoon doesn't reach the floor so he can't move, and Seungcheol can't move due to Jihoon on top of him, can just grind his hips inside him, but it feels amazing, weirdly intimate and so, so slow. There's no rush, Seungcheol is content like that, to kiss and stroke his hands over Jihoon while he has him like this, pliant and trusting.

Jihoon is breathing hard, little whispers of Seungcheol's name, but when his voice breaks in the middle of a whisper as Seungcheol adjusts his position, he's gone.

So he picks Jihoon up and eases out of him, throwing him on the bed on his knees and crawling behind him, entering him slowly again. He hugs Jihoon to his chest while he fucks him properly now, and Jihoon's moaning unabashed, voice deep and needy.

"Please, Cheol-ah," he whispers, trying to move his hips so Seungcheol will fuck him faster but Seungcheol grabs his hips and stills him.

"No baby," he says, tsking at Jihoon. "Wanted it like Soonyoung, didn't you see how slow he moved, how teasing he was?" he says, and moves Jihoon's hips in a circle with the hands on his waist. Maybe it's inappropriate to bring up Soonyoung when they're actually having sex, but all hesitations flew out of the window for today when they both got hard at the show and Jihoon asked him to do it slow, keep patient.

Seungcheol is nothing but a patient man, even when Jihoon begs so prettily for his cock.

Jihoon takes over in rolling his hips on Seungcheol, just like Soonyoung had done it to Seokmin earlier in the day, and Seungcheol's traitorous mind can't help but go a few years back, at that damned party Jihoon made out with Soonyoung so intensely on the dancefloor everybody stopped to watch.

It was so intense and desperate, probably fueled by alcohol, Seungcheol remembers; he had taken a girl home and took her from behind, all the time imagining how Soonyoung was probably doing that to Jihoon right then. He didn't know he liked Jihoon back then, so later he acknowledged it as a weird case of jealousy how he couldn't stop thinking about it, but still, weirdly, the thought now pops into his head for the first time.

It goes as quickly as it comes though, and Seungcheol focuses on making Jihoon come apart under him, stroking him until he comes, loud and long, Seungcheol following quickly after.

He cleans them both up and Jihoon cuddles up to him with a hum, in a weirdly good mood as he always is after sex. It lasts until he falls asleep though, in a matter of seconds. Seungcheol enjoys it nonetheless, kissing him before he falls asleep himself, a smile on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lap dance scene was slightly inspired by that video of Soonyoung and Chan... let's be serious that was... something...
> 
> Also damn that Deaser video... Soonyoung is such a fantastic dancer I literally cannot with him anymore.


	6. the issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's canon by now that Soonyoung likes kissing and is probably really good at it, right? 
> 
> I don't know if at this point I'm living through Soonyoung or Seokmin, but here it is. **WARNING** Issues pop up in this chapter; if it's too difficult for you, feel free to skip them, but I hope it's okay.

When the new Italian restaurant opens at a reasonable distance from campus, Soonyoung doesn't think about anyone else but Seokmin. He can't think about them being in a relationship or being something serious when they haven't even had a proper date in the month and a bit they've known each other. They've hung out at each other's places, went to parties, met at cafes and libraries for studying together or ate in cafeterias, but they've never gone outside together to do something fun. Soonyoung would like to do1 something nice and also make it clear to Seokmin this is definitely what he wants.

 _'Are you free Saturday at 8?'_ he texts Seokmin when he decides to go all out and just book a table there. He really hopes Seokmin is because he had already confirmed the reservation.

 _'Should be, yeah. Why?'_ the response comes a minute later.

 _'I'll pick you up'_ is all he answers; even if it's not a big deal, he wants to make this interesting.

 _'Is this a date?'_ Seokmin asks but it takes him a few minutes, like he needed the time to ponder.

 _'Will you put out?'_ he cheekily texts, adding a winking emoji at the end. _'I'm kidding though, it's a_ date, _if you want it to?'_

 _'If it is, maybe I will'_ Seokmin texts back, adding some other random emojis at the end. Soonyoung is so whipped.

* * *

It's the best first date Soonyoung's ever been on if it really counts as a first date. Even the little things are fun with Seokmin, and the littlest disagreements are not enough to even change the mood. If this was the kind of relationship where he can't look at Seokmin without hearts in his eyes, he would've had doubts. But the fact that they've started as friends (with the benefits attached) and not really in a relationship has already made them so comfortable with each other. Soonyoung is grateful, so grateful he has to stop sometimes and think about what he's done to deserve this; too good to be true, but he's trying to not look for the catch, accept the good things in his life as they are and not boycott them anymore, as much as he can.

He's a messy eater and Seokmin laughs at him a couple of times, too loud for this sort of fancy restaurant. They're not really behaving themselves, especially when Seokmin tells a story of Seungkwan snapping at some people from their piece but then making a fool of himself in the space of a few minutes, Soonyoung laughing so hard he spills the rest of his wine on his already emptied plate and the table.

They apologize when they leave, but the smiles on their faces are so wide the servers can't help but smile genuine smiles at them too.

It's dark when they go out but it's a clear night, just the slightest bit chilly. Soonyoung doesn't hesitate to wrap his fingers around Seokmin's when the latter tugs at his hand, chatting away happily on the way to the ice cream place, Soonyoung's crazy suggestion.

* * *

This time when they end up in Soonyoung's room, hands under shirts and lips locked on the bed, Soonyoung takes his time. He pushes Seokmin on his back, trails light fingers over his chest, kisses over his neck and down slowly, making sure to tease. Seokmin's blush extends all the way to his chest, and his eyes are trained on Soonyoung, mouth open and breathing hard. They don't need words anymore, it's all in Soonyoung's touches, in the familiar comfort of Seokmin's long fingers in his hair, pulling him up.

They make out for a long time, like they have all the time in the world. Soonyoung bites at Seokmin's lips, angles his head to press against him, drags his tongue slowly over the roof of his mouth. Seokmin hums in his mouth, easy and content, and presses his tongue against Soonyoung's. They break apart for a second, Soonyoung's nose snuggling at Seokmin's cheek.

"I love the way you kiss," Seokmin says matter-of-factly, pecking Soonyoung's cheek.

"You do," Soonyoung whispers, a half-question.

"I do, you're so good at it," he murmurs back, angling his head to steal a deep kiss again.

Soonyoung takes his time when he moves down, sucking Seokmin's nipples in his mouth until they're red and he's almost writhing on the bed, whining and gasping. His hands smooth over Seokmin's sides, settling on his hipbones and grabbing while Soonyoung moves down over his navel and his thighs, placing wet kisses and small bites.

He takes his time before he takes Seokmin in his mouth, this time how he likes it, slow and thorough. He licks over him slow, oh so slow, looking up at his eyes. He's familiar with the sight of Seokmin's blush, his smile, his open, expressive eyes looking down at him. It doesn't mean that it doesn't take his breath away, that Seokmin doesn't; he looks ethereal when Soonyoung pulls away, like he's in another universe where only the two of them matter, getting all Soonyoung has.

There's no sight that he enjoys more than seeing Seokmin like that, wrecked and flushed when Soonyoung has just started, when he's obviously desperate for something but will wait because he wants to hold back for Soonyoung. He's usually so impatient, Soonyoung enjoys teasing him all the more, playing with his patience. Fingers tracing over his side, where he's sensitive and ticklish, tongue over his earlobe and at his jaw, bites over his thighs and hips, it's all a game of how much Soonyoung can tease, how much he can find out.

"Can I do it?" he whispers as he moves back up to kiss Seokmin. One, two kisses later, Seokmin nods, and Soonyoung moves to grab the lube from the nightstand, warming it up on his fingers. When he slips one finger into him, Seokmin moans, throwing his head back. Soonyoung kisses his neck, the underside of his jaw to distract him; Seokmin's told him it's been long, so Soonyoung makes sure to be careful.

Seokmin is more vocal than he's ever been, whispering and moaning as Soonyoung opens him up on his fingers. His eyes are closed and his head is thrown back, but Soonyoung can read him from his facial expressions, open and unrestrained. Soonyoung looks for that spot and when he finds it, Seokmin's back arches off of the bed and he lets out a long, raspy moan, the pleasure reflecting on his face.

"Please, Soonie, please..." he whispers, eyes still closed, and Soonyoung moans himself, the sight much more than he can handle.

"How do you want this?" he whispers in turn, pulling back.

"Let me ride you," Seokmin answers, pushing at his shoulders for him to lay down and Soonyoung does as he's told, preparing himself for the sight. He'll admit he's thought about this ever since that first night, and yet he's not ready to see Seokmin straddling him, eyes boring deep into his.

"Slow, Minnie," he reminds him because Seokmin truly is impatient and the last thing Soonyoung wants is to hurt him in any way.

The pleasure when Seokmin lowers himself down is incomparable to anything, all his nerves on fire. He is slow, and Soonyoung can feel everything; they've decided to get tested together, and the feeling of nothing between them is insane, no matter which position Soonyoung is in.

"Fuck," he can't help but whisper when Seokmin moves, grinding himself down on him. His hands can't help but wander over Seokmin's hips and his thighs, amazed at the sight. He could never forget how hot Seokmin is, but seeing him like this is something else, flushed and sweaty, thick thighs straining while he is killing Soonyoung with the way he moves his hips.

"Feel good?" he asks Seokmin between heavy breaths, licking his lips when Seokmin looks at him and gasps in pleasure.

"Mhm," he moans and leans down to kiss Soonyoung, braced on his forearms. Soonyoung doesn't miss the opportunity to grab his hips, leveraging himself to thrust up. Seokmin moans harder, high in his throat like he's surprised, and Soonyoung can't help but do the same, the pleasure building up steadily.

"I'm so close, baby," he whispers to Seokmin when he knows he won't last long; Seokmin tells him to come, and Soonyoung takes him in his hand, jerking him off until he's whining from the pleasure.

He pulls out before he knows he'll come because he knows it's not pleasant unless you talk about it, and just the sight of Seokmin looking at him like that, truly wrecked, makes stars explode behind his eyelids as he comes on Seokmin's ass, waves of intense pleasure running through him, moaning and grunting.

Seokmin barely gives him two seconds before he whines again and grabs Soonyoung's cock to lower himself down again. It's almost too much for Soonyoung but he works with it, enjoys the intensity as Seokmin is chasing his own pleasure. His head is thrown back and he's angling himself down specifically to hit that spot like he's in a haze and just using Soonyoung to get off, and he doesn't know why that turns him on so bad, that he can make Seokmin go crazy like that. He tugs on Seokmin's cock and rubs his nipples with the other, whispering how good he feels and how amazing he looks, just for Soonyoung, and Seokmin moans loudly as he comes, almost shouting, settling himself heavy in Soonyoung's lap and dropping down over him.

Soonyoung hugs him close, wraps one hand around his waist even though Seokmin is heavy; he can now enjoy the feeling of Seokmin over him, enveloping him, the weight making him feel safe and grounded. Seokmin's breathing is harsh, labored, but he chuckles when he gets his bearings back and Soonyoung joins him, rubbing his hands through his hair.

"I loved it," Seokmin says, and Soonyoung almost shivers at how close it sounds to something else. But that's not something to think about now, when he has Seokmin like this.

"You did? Me too," he whispers back simply, but the affection is obvious in his voice.

"Yes, but then I always do," Seokmin answers and Soonyoung hums, helping him get up. They both flinch when Soonyoung slips out because it hurts and the exhaustion is too much, so they wait a while before moving to the shower, satisfied and giddy.

Soonyoung falls asleep easily that night, with Seokmin's hand under his head and their legs tangled around each other. It's easy and comfortable, and Soonyoung wouldn't trade it for the world.

* * *

At this point, about three weeks before the show, the only person who knows the dances top to bottom except for Soonyoung and the board is Chan. Instead of improving, he watches at every lesson as people become worse and worse, getting frustrated at choreographies and with their energy gone. All the choreographies are great and he knows everybody has the skills, otherwise they wouldn't have a place in the advanced team, but all the motivation is gone, and it's obvious how lax they are.

Soonyoung has tried it all; has held study breaks, did freestyle sessions to give people's love for dance back, got encouraging videos from the choreographers, brought a bubbly attitude to the point where he had to cringe when he heard his own voice in rehearsals. It's a mess, an extremely urgent mess, and the only issue seems to be the fact that the choreographies had been changed and hard work was needed, which had quite the opposite effect; instead of being motivated, everybody seems flat, uninterested, and that Soonyoung cannot deal with.

Naturally, something happens; that something is Jinwook, Soonyoung's "favorite" person in this group, the one who always seemed to be vehemently against everything Soonyoung proposed as he did not get his position back then. Soonyoung tried time and time again to be nice, extend peace, and yet ever since Soonyoung obviously refused to have him even as a vice-president because they wouldn't match well, Jinwook had been hell-bent on making his life terrible, even more than before. Needlless to say, he's somehow not surprised to finish another terrible rehearsal in the practice room with most of the people already gathered around Jinwook, with Minghao and Junhui in a corner shaking their heads at him.

"So... we've been talking," Jinwook starts, hands crossed. Soonyoung didn't even breathe, damn. "We don't think this is going in the right direction."

"That's true..." Soonyoung starts, but before he can continue, Jinwook interrupts him.

"You've made the choice to change choreographies in the middle and obviously it was the wrong choice, but now we need a way to fix this and you're not bringing it."

"I'm not bringing it?" Soonyoung starts and feels the blood rising to his face, his pulse quickening. "I've done everything I could to make practices better lately."

"And yet it's not working, are you blind?" Jinwook throws, aggression in his face.

"It's not working because I don't see any desire for it to work on almost anyone's part!" he bursts out all of a sudden, pent-up frustration taking over him. He knows he's wrong and he needs to calm down, but he's had enough and he can't stop himself. "I've done my best to bring motivation back and yet nobody's trying!" he almost screams out, and everybody's thrown aback by his outburst, stunned into silence.

"I've changed the choreographies not because I suddenly woke up and felt like it, but because I knew we could do more and it wasn't good enough before. And I'm right, the skills are fantastic, and yet nobody has any motivation to learn these choreographies, nobody cares to do a bit more than the minimum!" he bursts, sweat beading on his neck from the frustration. He doesn't even know what he's saying anymore, just that he's over dealing with people's attitude, blood boiling.

"When we all signed up for it, we signed up for an amazing program with amazing people, but aren't ready to put in the work for it; do you think that when the scouts see the show they're going to think about our struggles? No, they'll only care about the end product, the way we look and the things we can do; we're nothing if we don't put a great show forward. So let's all think about that and let's come up with a reflection and no excuses until the next rehearsal, because the way we all are now, we might as well not put a show forward at all," he spits out with finality, ranting all his frustrations, and watches as everyone trickles out slowly, still in shock. Minghao, Junhui, and Chan look at him with obvious concern, but he shakes his head and heads out the other entrance, the one leading backstage.

It's when he makes it back to his dorm that he realizes he's been shaking all this time, a mess of frustration, anger, self-pity, and confusion making so much noise in his head he can't bear it, wants to crawl out of his head. He lets the heavy dorm door close behind him, satisfied with the bang it makes; it's loud and it doesn't bother him, for a second before everything else comes back.

He jumps up the steps, needing to be alone in his room to try to get rid of the deafening noise, the mess, and yet when he opens his door, Seokmin is sitting on the couch. For the first time ever since meeting him, Soonyoung groans, having forgotten they had made plans.

Seokmin notices him immediately, sees how his expression is sullen and annoyed, frowning.

"What's wrong?" Seokmin asks, cautious.

"Nothing," he bites, taking his shoes off and slamming his coat on the hanger.

Before he can blink, Seokmin's in front of him, searching.

"Nothing's wrong, Seokmin," he says and pushes past him to his room, knowing that Seokmin will follow.

"Don't do that, something obviously's wrong," Seokmin answers, and Soonyoung has had enough.

"I'm wrong," he almost shouts, turning to Seokmin, another person Soonyoung has managed to mess up with in the course of half an hour. "I fucked up badly because nobody wants to learn the choreos, I'm a worthless leader, I let people down, I thought I could do something I obviously couldn't, and I sacrificed academics and everything for it, so now I have a team that dislikes me enough to go behind my back, a show that will probably be terrible, a few classes I'm almost failing, and my whole future in question because scouts will be there to see me fail, terrible at even the only thing I thought I could do. I'm wrong, I'm failing, and don't dare tell me it's okay," he warns Seokmin, his voice almost a shout now, breathless and panting from the rant. Tears prickle at the corner of his eyes, born out of frustration, knowing he's right and he really fucked up, not deserving of his title and his position; people were right then when they told him it's too early and Soonyoung didn't listen, so now he has to pay the price.

Seokmin is gaping at him, speechless. Even he knows Soonyoung is right.

"Go, Seokmin," he says with finality, turning around to pick at trash in his room, clothes scattered across his chair.

"Will you listen to me? If I tell you a story?" Soonyoung hears Seokmin say from behind him, more determined than he should be. It's the tone of his voice that says he won't leave until Soonyoung hears him that gets him.

"What story?" he rolls his eyes, not turning back.

"Last year I saw a dance recital in the dance center, a really good one, super impressive. In the end, they had this song, Strawberry Bubblegum, and I knew the song so I was so taken aback in the beginning, and people were having so much fun, but then someone started dancing. I couldn’t take my eyes away, Soonyoung," Seokmin says his name with strength, a power that Soonyoung doesn't have.

"The way you move, it’s so natural, so smooth. You were born for it, with the talent, but at the same time, you can tell how much hard work went into what you do, years and years of it. And still, it’s not like you put on a persona when you dance… it works for you, moving on from smiley and cute to sexy and disarming. That’s why it’s natural, it doesn’t feel fake like a mask, and why people say you’re talented… Don’t get offended, it is your talent not only because they think you were born with the capability to dance and people dismiss your hard work, but because it’s inside of you, you’ve made it a part of yourself so deeply ingrained that when you’re on stage, you can tell it’s not your dancer side, it’s just you, you as you are. I could feel how much you felt for it, how you didn’t go on that stage to play, you went there because your heart is there and your passion is there, and you want to show it to everybody. And the most important thing is that everybody did see it, in the audience or your crew members as well; you should’ve seen how they looked at you, how they didn’t feel envious that you got to show that little choreography. They wanted you to go up there and pushed you because they were proud of you and you inspired them to go up and dance, so they wanted to give you the confidence too… it’s a slow song but you made them so hype and happy, you could see that in all of them. You can only do that if you truly feel dancing, if you love it so much people find an example in you, and they do. So if there’s one thing you should take for certain in your life, is how you are made for dancing and how you can inspire others in turn if you are passionate about what you do and let your selflessness come out. Don’t _ever_ put yourself down about that," Seokmin finishes, intense and passionate like he's trying to make Soonyoung see when he's been blind until now.

“You saw all of that?” he asks, turning to Seokmin. His tone is flat but the tears at the corner of his eyes are betraying him.

“Mhm, and now I’ve seen more since we started practicing for Heaven. I’ve seen how you are a natural leader, an energizer. It’s part of your personality and how you grew up too, but you’re lucky to have a passion and be able to do it, and you can see that, in the sheer strength of character you have and in how much you believe in what you do, and how you motivate others. People follow you not only because you’re a fantastic dancer, but because you energize them, move them and inspire them. I know you’re doubting if you made the right choice, but sometimes the right choices aren’t the easy ones, and you’re strong enough to commit, I know that. If you think the result will be better after, you also have to be strong enough to stick with it even when others can’t. Be a visionary, and they’ll thank you after, I’m sure."

Seokmin's words lodge in his brain, piercing through the haze. He'd like to believe them, they sound so reinforcing through how Soonyoung is so good at bringing himself down, at ruining his confidence, but he doesn't know if he can. Not yet.

Seokmin sees him and tears up; in an ideal world, Soonyoung would jump in his arms and kiss him, realize how wrong he was and how worthy he actually is and what a great person he can be. But this is not that world.

Instead, Soonyoung doesn't say anything, doesn't tell him to stay, just goes and hugs him to show he heard, but he can't listen yet. Seokmin hugs back with all his being, tight and comforting, warm, hesitant to let go even when Soonyoung pulls away.

"I'll go," he says, reading Soonyoung. "But think about it. Promise me you'll try to look at yourself through the good things as well, and all the wonderful things you've done so far and will continue to do," he comforts Soonyoung, hugging him once more.

"I'll text you," Soonyoung says, and Seokmin smiles at him. He's leaving but some part of him is staying with Soonyoung, and he won't lie and say he doesn't think about it.

For the first time in forever, Soonyoung lets himself cry. He rolls on his bed, puts his face in his hands and cries for how he's fucked up so many times, how he's so messed up he's gotten so good at bringing himself down. Traces of Seokmin's words float around his consciousness but it's impossible to let them win when his head is like this, so overwhelmed with failure, how much of a letdown he is, when he knows the dark voices in his head are right. So he lets himself cry until he falls asleep, letting himself pick up the pieces tomorrow.


	7. the letting go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... this is the filthiest thing I've ever written (so far) so I guess?? Don't read in public?? I'm a bit embarassed to post this but here we go lolz.
> 
> **Also age clarification**: Someone asked me why is Chan in college when he's one year older that Seungkwan and Vernon and they're freshmen, and I wanted to explain that (and why it's a mistake): 
> 
> In Korea, the age system is a bit different, and one of the things is that a year, in age terms, is considered from March to February instead of January to December, in a way. So, if for example you are born in January or February 1999, you are considered the same age as people from March - December 1998. The people born early are called early [whatever year they were born in] liners, and this extends to school as well; that means that early '99 liners will be in the same year as most '98 liners, except the early ones. If you want to learn more about the concept, for example, Kai and Taemin are considered friends, as Kai is an early '94 liner and Taemin is a '93 liner and even if they negotiated to go by actual year (more on that later), he decided to think of Taemin as a same-age friend. Jackson from GOT7 was annoyed that he had to call Jaebum hyung even though he was only a few months younger in the same year, but he "has to" because Jaebum is an early '94 liner and Jackson is a '94 liner. 
> 
> So I knew Chan was an early '99 liner and this is why I thought he'd be in the same year as Seungkwan and Vernon.............. but then I forgot that both Seungkwan and Vernon are early '98 liners........... so technically in the same year with Minghao and Mingyu. Seokmin is an early '97, which would mean that he'd be in the same year as all the '96 line............ which he isn't. So let's just go with an error, and all the '95ers are seniors, '96ers juniors, '97ers sophomores, and '98ers with Chan freshmen... sorry about that. 
> 
> As to using hyung (which means that the person is in the year above and you're not same-age friends), Korea's age and hierarchy system/formal-informal speech system is pretty strict, but also highly negotiable between people (if to use formal speech, use terms of address etc.) So, technically, because Seokmin is an early '97 liner, he would be the same age with Soonyoung, who's a '96 liner, so he won't have to call him hyung. However, I went back and checked and it seems that he calls Soonyoung hyung fairly often; Seungkwan, who is technically the same age as Mingyu, also calls Mingyu hyung. So maybe they negotiated to go by actual birth year, not the actual age system, which some people do as it's easier to ask what year you're in than month and year, or for other reasons. It's an interesting concept to look into if you're interested in Korean culture or idol culture and don't know everything about it yet, as it explains a lot of relationships.
> 
> I apologize for the confusion about that, but I started it like that and I don't really want to change the aspects of the story that build the way a character is like, even if minimal, so I hope it's clearer now why Chan is in college (even if it's a mistake) and why Seokmin calls Soonyoung hyung! 
> 
> Enjoy the story!

One of the good things about having his moments is that he's gotten better at dealing with them after. He skips class on Friday because he knows himself, and just lazes around in the house to give himself time to come back and think. He submits a few assignments, does some half-assed readings, and just sleeps.

Saturday would go the same way too, except that in the afternoon, people start apologizing in the team group chat. He's taken aback, but people are genuinely feeling sorry for the lack of motivation and for how things haven't been going well, and promise they will all do better. Soonyoung can't help but apologize as well because no matter what, his behavior was not excused by the situation, and now he waits for their practice on Sunday to make things right. He doesn't know if it will work, but there's hope.

He lazes around the house for a while more, and when his music switches between songs, he hears it: rhythmic knocks on the front door. He's understandably confused; he hadn't ordered food, nobody's coming over, Jihoon's in his studio, so who could it be?

He almost decides not to answer but it doesn't seem like a good idea, so he reluctantly puts on a pair of pants and a shirt and goes to the door. When he opens the door, Seokmin smiles at him, waving two plastic bags in his hand. Soonyoung is a bit taken aback, but he moves aside to let Seokmin in.

"Sorry I didn't text you, but Jihoon told me you're home and not doing anything, so I figured I'd come."

Soonyoung would like to say something but he doesn't know what to feel; he doesn't like his space infringed like that, without warning, and he doesn't know if he feels up for social interaction, but Seokmin starts before he can bring any of it up.

"I can't help with practice or the dance crew or anything like that, but you said you're almost failing some classes. I asked Jeonghan and Jihoon what do you take and they told me that besides dance classes, you're taking philosophy, math and a business class. I can't help with dance or philosophy, but I'm pretty good at math and business, so I'm here to study with you and help if you need me to. And I also brought Japanese if you didn't eat, and my Xbox because you said you wanted me to teach you how to play games. Can I stay?"

Even if he wanted to say no, Soonyoung doesn't think he could now. Seokmin's warmth, his determination to be there for Soonyoung as much as he can even when Soonyoung pushed him away is warming him up as well.

So he nods, going to hug Seokmin right as he puts the bags down to tell him how much he appreciates him. Seokmin wraps his hands around him as well and hugs him tight. His hugs are so comforting, he doesn't hesitate to wrap himself around Soonyoung completely, passing his warmth to him, splaying his hands on Soonyoung's back. He doesn't know how he could live anymore without Seokmin's warmth and wordlessly squeezes him tighter. Seokmin lets him, doesn't push him away, just cups Soonyoung's cheek with one hand and tilts his head a bit up to kiss him, pressing his lips on Soonyoung's. Soonyoung closes his eyes and lets himself bask in the simple moment and Seokmin all around him.

When Seokmin pulls away, Soonyoung looks up to meet his eyes.

"Hey," he whispers.

"Hey," Soonyoung whispers back, his lips twisting in an apologetic smile.

"Let's study?" Seokmin asks, simple, and Soonyoung nods.

"Let's."

* * *

They do end up studying, and it does turn out that Seokmin is good at math, and incredibly patient at explaining it to Soonyoung when he simply can't grasp how to use formulas. It's not like he's dumb or doesn't like studying, it's just that his mind is not used to the kind of applications that math needs and his professor is terrible at explaining it.

Seokmin isn't, and when they both apply themselves and focus, they get a lot done. Soonyoung catches up on concepts from previous weeks, finishes his homework four days early, and while he's doing things he knows, Seokmin also goes through his own math homework.

They decide to take a break to eat after a few hours, and it's only when Soonyoung brings the food to the living room that he notices Seokmin's notebook and the course. It's a fairly advanced well-known math course, one that people from outside the department wouldn't usually take; one of his friends from home is a math major, and in a science-focused college like theirs, it's difficult to take a more advanced course, to say the least. Soonyoung also knows some other of Seokmin's courses, and none of them are easy.

"You're taking that math course? Why? I mean, not that you can't, but isn't it pretty hard to do on top of your major stuff?" he brings it up with Seokmin when they're both sitting on the couch, facing each other.

"I mean... I guess it is, but I like it?" Seokmin answers.

"Do you take a lot of courses outside of your major and requirements?" Soonyoung is genuinely curious; besides his major, classes that can help in his future, like the business class, and general school requirements, he's never had time to take anything else.

"I do, I take some math courses, some business ones, some computer science and some science too... I didn't know what I wanted to do for a long time so I always took a lot of things," he answers, passing his cucumbers to Soonyoung's plate like he always does. "Not that now I do... I like musical theater, but I don't know if I want to do it further, so I want to have my options open."

Soonyoung understands that, on some level, even if it's not his own experience.

"You're not like that, are you?" Seokmin asks, genuinely curious as well.

"I'm not... I've always known I wanted to do dance, study it in college and then work up to lead a team, work in or open a dance studio after college. I guess I just never thought about anything else," he admits.

"I envy you... it must be nice to have a purpose," Seokmin answers, and Soonyoung can hear the insecurities in his voice.

"Honestly, I envy you," Soonyoung answers in turn. "I genuinely can't apply myself to studying anything else besides dance, as you've seen... It must be nice to be able to do a bit of everything."

"I think you can, but you're just too stressed to. Like it's not that you can't do it, like now, you did perfectly fine. But you take more dance than you should, right? Plus the team, plus helping others with their stuff, you do a lot and you're just busy with dance, and it's hard to pick up other stuff. Don't be too hard on yourself."

Soonyoung ponders for a while, humming along to what Seokmin is saying; maybe it is like that, he's never felt particularly stupid, but just like his mind sometimes couldn't handle things.

"What about you? How do you do so much, how are you so good at your major and so much other stuff though? It can't be easy."

"Ah..." Seokmin scratches his nape, hesitating. Soonyoung gives him the time. "It's just that... my parents have always been very busy people." This topic has never been brought up between them; their past has always seemed to be something they never talked about, so now Soonyoung waits for Seokmin to say more, wanting to know about his past life.

"They love me a lot but they've always been very busy with their careers, so I kind of... just did a lot of after-school programs. Science, singing, instruments, languages... I never felt too strongly about anything though. Even singing or performing now, it's just one thing that I was trained to be good at, and which I care about a bit more than other things because I genuinely enjoy it. But not enough to have a dream about it or call it my vocation. It's just there I guess, like other things," Seokmin shrugs and averts his eyes away.

He feels for Seokmin, he realizes. Even if he complains about not being able to do anything but dance, it must be difficult to not have anything you feel strongly about either.

"You don't need to have it figured it out now. I probably am not the only person who's ever said that to you, but you really don't. It's okay to not know," he says and pauses, waiting for Seokmin to look back at him. When he does, Soonyoung starts again.

"I've thought a lot these past few days about what you've said to me, trust me, and I still think I have a lot of thinking to do. But I think you're also a bit like me, with singing. You can tell it's not only training, but it's a part of you. You're so wonderfully talented not only because you work hard, but your voice is so beautiful and moves people because you move them too. So you can believe in that a bit more, you can do it even if you don't feel like your whole life will revolve around it. Or you can do anything, whatever the hell you want, and it will be okay," he says with confidence, looking at Seokmin and trying to tell him all that he's feeling. He's not as good as speaking as Seokmin is, so he hopes his eyes tell the rest.

Seokmin smiles back at him.

"I'll think about it too. But it's okay, I think it'll be okay."

"You should... but holy hell you don't need to worry because damn are you smart though," he says with amazement because no matter how much training he's gotten, it's not easy to take all the hard courses that Seokmin seems to be doing.

Seokmin buries his face in his hands and lets out a long no, but Soonyoung isn't having it. Placing their plates away, he crawls to Seokmin, taking his hands away from his face.

"You are," he reassures Seokmin, driving his conviction forward, waiting.

"Okay," Seokmin whispers after a while and kisses Soonyoung, lazily making out for a while before Seokmin pulls away.

"Uh-oh," he says and shakes his head. "We need to study," he points out and Soonyoung groans, moving away. Damn business.

"Later then," he affirms, looking at Seokmin like it's a promise. He's already been feeling so much better just from the short conversation, the food, and the sense that he has someone to rely on even when it gets hard, someone who cares about him so much.

They don't end up doing anything later, because before they're done with business they get hungry again, order more food, play an easy computer game, one of the ones Seokmin used to like in high school just to "get him used to the concept of gaming", and Soonyoung is too exhausted to do anything else but show Seokmin that dating show he's mentioned. 

They change into comfortable clothes, Soonyoung lending Seokmin some of his oversized things, and he ends up falling asleep on the couch, cuddled up to Seokmin with Netflix asking if they're still watching. Seokmin had planned to leave but he won't be able to now, so he turns the TV off, drags a mostly unconscious Seokmin to bed and settles on his side with him on his back behind him. Except before he falls asleep, Seokmin curls up to him, a hand around his waist and a steady warmth at his back, a shadow feeling of lips on his nape lulling him to sleep.

* * *

When he wakes up, the sun is still down, the room lit up only in the slightest, hinting at the sunrise coming soon. They're in the same position they fell asleep in, Seokmin's arm tight around his waist, but Soonyoung desperately needs to go to the bathroom, so he untangles himself carefully, trying not to make any noise.

When he comes back, Seokmin is as he left him, half of his hair splayed on the pillow. Soonyoung can make up the curve of his nose, his slightly splayed lips, his peaceful expression. He's gorgeous in the low light, so beautiful Soonyoung feels the tug at his heart.

When he sneaks back into bed, Seokmin moves, and his eyes are open, looking at Soonyoung through low lids. So he wasn't asleep, Soonyoung thinks, and he's not feeling too sleepy himself, so he turns around until they're eye to eye. His fingers draw patterns on Seokmin's face, tracing constellations from his cheekbones, his chiseled jaw to his chin. Seokmin closes his eyes and breathes deep, and in the low light, he looks ethereal. For a second, Soonyoung's lungs stop working.

"Soonyoung," he whispers, barely above a breath. "What are we?"

"What do you want us to be?" he whispers back, careful not to disturb the peace.

Seokmin breathes, pursing his lips. He looks like he's dealing with the difficulty of trying to gather everything in the space of a few words, a feeling Soonyoung is familiar with.

"I just want you, all of you."

Soonyoung's heart clenches, body heavy; he wants nothing more than to tell Seokmin he has him already.

"I..." he starts, and pauses.

Seokmin's face doesn't fall; he's waiting. Soonyoung overthinks, it's what he does, but Seokmin waits. Seokmin always waits.

"Damn, you have me already, Seokmin, I'm yours," he admits in a rush, almost out of breath, entirely unthinking and out of character. But most of all... he feels free, lighter than he ever remembers being, like the admission released him from the biggest weight on his shoulders, on his heart.

Seokmin's taken aback, his eyes glinting, but he smiles, too large and happy for the quiet.

"Really?" he whispers, disbelieving.

"Yes, if you want me."

"So so much, I've been yours from the beginning... Soonyoung..." he whispers, grinning and grabbing Soonyoung's cheeks for a kiss. They've kissed so many times before, but this time, Soonyoung feels like he can match Seokmin, pour all his feelings between them. Maybe it's the atmosphere, maybe it's the fact he's finally been able to admit it, maybe it's truly something there, in the back of his mind... but he feels safe, warm. _Happy._

"Boyfriend?" Seokmin giggles, his large smile so at home on his features.

"Yeah," Soonyoung smiles in turn, careful not to close his eyes so he can see Seokmin.

"I never thought I'd get to say that to you," he admits, and Soonyoung is somehow startled.

"You didn't?"

"No... Jeonghanie hyung told me you probably wouldn't be ready to date anyone anytime soon... and I was willing to wait but I thought you'd get bored of me quickly before anything, so..."

Bored of him?

"Seriously Minnie?" He couldn't imagine a world where he'd let go of Seokmin, no matter how long it took for him to get somewhere. He'll overthink his decision, will occasionally regret it for a few moments he's not himself and will struggle with it, but it feels right, more certain than anything lately.

"Yeah... but it doesn't matter now," Seokmin says and hugs him, Soonyoung melting into him. It's definitely right. 

* * *

A week goes by, and practices are miraculously improving; Soonyoung still regrets how he snapped, but doesn't regret the aftermath; everybody seems more focused now, with their head in the dances, and significant improvement can be seen. They have two weeks left until the time the show is scheduled at the beginning of December, and their ticket sales are great. Soonyoung questions sometimes if the other shoe will drop, but he hopes it doesn't, even if he's more ready to deal with it now.

His individual projects are coming along too, with Minghao and Junhui agreeing to help him with a final project they've decided to choreograph together, so it's all going too well. He even has time for a chill-out session that weekend, at Jeonghan's place again.

A while after, as everyone's mostly drunk or well on the way, they're playing paranoia, the game where you have to ask someone a question in secret, they yell out the name of the person that's their answer out loud, and if the person is curious, they'll take a shot to find out the question. Soonyoung is in Seokmin's lap but he's been a little unfocused for the better part of the night; the alcohol didn't help at all.

And yet, when Jeonghan secretly asks Mingyu a question and Mingyu thinks for a bit then suddenly answers 'Soonyoung and Seokmin', his interest piques.

So it's a couple question; there are tons of people around them and tons of couples, so Soonyoung really wants to know. Seokmin realizes it and asks him, whispering in his ear, and he nods. Mingyu's on the way to ask the next question, but Seokmin stops him.

"We'll drink," he says, and somebody passes them a shot. They'll split it because it's the two of them, and nobody seems to argue with that; drinking is not the goal at this point.

Jeonghan smirks, and uh-oh.

"The question was 'who is the most vanilla couple in bed'," Jeonghan answers, and everybody around them oohs. "I personally don't agree," he adds, and he sees Jihoon nod. They've known him for a long time.

Mingyu disagrees with them, and everybody legit starts a debate about the couples around; every party seems to turn into something sexual related lately for some reason. Soonyoung can't focus because Seokmin shifts his hand on his back, and he almost moans out loud.

If they knew he's literally sitting in Seokmin's lap with a plug inside him right at this moment, both of them so turned on, maybe they'd change their mind.

"Focus," Seokmin whispers to him, but he's shifting and Soonyoung falls deeper into his lap, the plug pushing inside him even more. He's been somewhat hard for a while, the long shirt he's wearing hiding everything up, but it's distracting. It's intense, and having this dirty little secret is keeping him right on the edge of something more.

Seokmin had fucked him so good before they had to get ready for the party Jihoon probably had to have heard it, and they decided to try this, some of Seokmin's come still inside him. It's probably worse for Seokmin than it is for him because he loves the feeling, but Seokmin has to deal with Soonyoung actively teasing him in turn. Seokmin has the remote to make it vibrate but he's too afraid to use it because the sound is too loud, the music now only in the background where they are. He did when they were on the dance floor earlier, and Soonyoung doesn't know how he resisted not dragging him somewhere right then, almost coming at the pressure on his spot.

He tries to focus because he's weirdly the more controlled of them at this point, and just watches as everybody argues about people's sex lives. Jeonghan is chaotic, but he wouldn't reveal things about Soonyoung he's not comfortable with, so he's just content to watch and smirk, their secret between themselves only.

"You don't have anything to say? The question was about you," Jeonghan turns to him after a while, the music blasting louder.

"No. People can think what they want to think," Soonyoung says with a smirk, and it says enough, judging by the oohs of everyone around. The lap dance should have been a hint for them, but it looks like some of them forgot. Oh well.

Right as he's done speaking, he feels Seokmin shift behind him, and all of a sudden, the plug starts vibrating inside of him. He startles just a little bit, jumping, and bites his lip to keep any potential noise from coming out. Jeonghan is looking at him, and his brows furrow, but he moves his eyes away when Soonyoung schools his features; he probably thinks Seokmin moved him or something.

In this position, the plug vibrates right on his spot, and he literally can't deal with it; the pleasure shoots constant through his body, and Seokmin does nothing but press him more flush against him. He won't come, it's not enough for that, but it's a lot nonetheless to feel in the middle of a party, surrounded by people everywhere. He surely can't focus after then, his attention distracted by trying to not let anything show and teasing Seokmin as well, payback for this.

The game ends after a while but Soonyoung could not for the life of him remember one question; he's slowly grinding in Seokmin's lap at this point, hidden by their position in a loveseat; unlike him, Seokmin doesn't have a long shirt to cover himself with, so it's risky to leave, but at this point, all he wants is to get his boyfriend in his bed and he doesn't care about anything else.

* * *

On the way back, they talk and somehow, the conversation reaches interesting topics; it's probably the weirdest time to talk about kinks and fantasies, walking back from Jeonghan's place, but they talk in low voices and nobody's around, and Seokmin makes Soonyoung tell him some of the things he wants. They're on edge anyway, hot and excited to finally get back, and Soonyoung doesn't even want to know what Seokmin is thinking.

There’s no universe in which Seokmin is a dom, but it works, because Soonyoung is not interested in power play and is also very much not a sub. But Seokmin is a top, naturally intense and rough even while being careful and loving, and Soonyoung doesn’t think he’s ever matched better with anyone. Seokmin is so good even when he’s not trying to... and when he is, Soonyoung is nothing less than ruined.

He’s trying now, his palms on both sides on Soonyoung’s head, resting on the wall, enveloping him. He feels small, enveloped by the breadth of Seokmin, who’s pressing against him and making it clear Soonyoung has no place to turn away. Soonyoung breaks their kiss to tell him to move towards the bed because Soonyoung feels like he’s going to combust in the next few seconds. Except Seokmin hesitates, worrying his bottom lip in his mouth.

“Can we try something else?” he asks, a bit hesitant, and Soonyoung nods.

“What is it?” he asks, and Seokmin licks his lips.

“You’ll see. You’ll like it,” he says, cryptic, and finishes undressing Soonyoung. Soonyoung’s curious, Seokmin’s never been this mysterious but he trusts Seokmin to know limits and he knows he won't do anything Soonyoung's not comfortable with. Seokmin's hands make quick work of his clothes and Soonyoung helps undress him as well until they’re naked, skin on skin heating up.

And then Seokmin, without warning, grabs him by the hips and turns him around until he’s pressed on the wall, one of Seokmin’s hands on his waist and the other on his neck, holding him tight.

_Fuck._

“I remembered you saying you liked how I held you, back in that first night,” Seokmin whispers in his ear and Soonyoung moans, low and desperate because this, Seokmin holding him like that, pressing him on the wall, it’s doing things to him he couldn’t even imagine.

“Is it okay?” he asks, concern in his voice.

“So good,” he whispers back, nodding his head. “Fuck me, Minnie, please,” he arches back, and Seokmin moves the hand on his waist to palm at his ass, pressing the plug further. It's so dirty, Soonyoung feels so needy pressed against the wall with one of Seokmin's hands on his neck and another playing with him, and he loves it.

Seokmin barely warns him when he pulls the plug out and throws it on the bed, sliding two fingers in him right away; Soonyoung's stretched out, still wet with lube and come, and he moans, long and loud, already almost shivering from pleasure. He loves how Seokmin's long fingers feel in him, how he's so good with them he can pull the lewdest sounds from Soonyoung.

"Wait," Seokmin whispers to him and pulls away, Soonyoung letting out an embarrassing whine at the loss of him. He comes back quickly, and Soonyoung hears the click of the bottle behind him. He doesn't warm the lube up because Soonyoung likes the feeling of the contrasting cold, just slides two wet fingers back into him and starts opening Soonyoung up properly. He's purposely missing his spot, probably wants to edge him even if he knows Soonyoung can come twice, but he's too gone to say anything, just takes it.

Seokmin's other hand moves up his chest to grab at his jaw, turning his head around so Seokmin can kiss him, slow and wet. Soonyoung needs something to hold on, ground himself, so he grabs on Seokmin's hair behind him, tugging at it a bit harshly. Seokmin moans but doesn't complain, takes his fingers out to add another one, and Soonyoung's been ready since forever.

"I'm ready, please get in me," he whines, and Seokmin thankfully listens, pulling his fingers out slowly.

When he slides in, wet and easy, Soonyoung sees stars, both of them moaning low at the feeling of finally being together.

"Fuck, Soonie," Seokmin curses under his breath, overwhelmed, and doesn't Soonyoung understand.

Seokmin's hand moves to his waist to pull him back so he has better access, and Soonyoung grabs it to ground himself. He can feel all of Seokmin and as always, it's amazing, the perfect fit to drive him crazy from the stretch, how slow Seokmin is taking it.

They're both breathing hard, Seokmin placing little kisses on his nape, his jaw, his neck, everywhere that he can reach. His other hand is on Soonyoung's ass, keeping him spread for better access, so dirty, but he wants it back on him, holding him down.

"My neck, please, Minnie," he breathes out in between two moans as Seokmin is almost nailing his spot. Seokmin obliges, moving his hand back to hold the base of Soonyoung's neck, tighter now, more confident. His airflow is not cut, but Seokmin is pressing hard enough for Soonyoung to feel it when he breathes; he won't ask even if he wants it because they haven't discussed it that far and he doesn't want to mess up, but god is the feeling driving him crazy, uncontrolled moans spilling out.

Seokmin's taken to whispering in his ear how good he is, how good he feels, dirty talk that he knows makes Soonyoung weak. A few thrusts later, he changes angles until he nails his spot, Soonyoung so turned on for such a long time he feels his orgasm building quickly, helpless. He tells Seokmin that, that he's so close, and Seokmin gets a hand on his cock, tugging slightly at it; the pressure in his abdomen builds, and right as he's about to come, tightening up, Seokmin pulls out.

He's confused for a second, a protesting whine coming out of his mouth but Seokmin tells him to trust him. He does, and at this point he couldn't protest when Seokmin continues to tug at his cock, bringing him to the edge and stopping once, twice. He's whining, almost shaking from the teasing, and the third time when Seokmin stops Soonyoung can't. Come dribbles out of him and on Seokmin's hand but he doesn't feel the satisfaction of an orgasm, feels more pressure build inside him instead.

 _Damn,_  Seokmin managed to ruin his orgasm and wire him up even more than before, so sensitive any touch could make him jump. Seokmin whispers mindless comforts in his ear as Soonyoung comes down but his voice is also shaking, clearly affected.

"Let's move to the bed, okay?" he says, and Soonyoung half walks, half drags him there. Seokmin wipes his hand on the sheets, which usually Soonyoung would have a heart attack about, but this time he doesn't care, just drops to his hands and knees and almost begs for Seokmin to fuck him. Seokmin obliges, draping himself over Soonyoung's back, and this time, when he slips in, Soonyoung legitimately shouts. It's so much, so so much, every nerve of his body on fire with every thrust; he's never felt pleasure as intense as that, but he's never been on the edge of pleasure for so long and come from a ruined orgasm after.

Seokmin kisses him from the weird angle they're in, still so loving and careful, caressing him even while he slams into Soonyoung as hard as ever, driving him up the bed. It's not long before he whispers he's going to come too; Soonyoung trusts he'll take care of him, and encourages him, tightening up and whispering for Seokmin to please, come inside of him, mindless begging. He thrusts once, twice more, hard jabs against his prostate that make Soonyoung's eyes roll in the back of his head before he comes deep inside him, Soonyoung moaning at the feeling of being filled.

He pulls out after a while and the emptiness feels so strange for him; before he can say anything though, Seokmin turns him around and lays him on his back, sliding three fingers into him and nailing them directly on his spot in one sharp move. Two seconds later, Seokmin takes his cock in his mouth, and the intensity gets to him so unfairly quick he feels his orgasm building up in a matter of seconds. Seokmin is so good with his fingers, abusing his spot while taking his cock as deep as he can, holding Soonyoung down with a hand across his hips as he's squirming on the bed from the bursts of intense pleasure. It builds up for so long Soonyoung shouts even before coming, tears sliding down his cheeks. He doesn't have enough composure to even look at Seokmin, head thrown back, his back arching clean off the bed and his hands digging into the sheets; pleasure takes over his consciousness, his whole control.

When he comes, he feels himself shaking from the intense pleasure running through him, the tension releasing so suddenly it's almost shocking. He's laughing and crying at the same time, he realizes, and he's never felt this good, so contented he legitimately blacks out for a few seconds before coming back to himself.

He's come half down Seokmin's throat, half on his face, he realizes, and he's still shaking a little bit as Seokmin comes up, his come sliding down Soonyoung's thighs. He likes the feeling too much, filthy as it is, likes feeling owned like that.

"Minnie, what the fuck," he laughs at him in disbelief when he mostly gains consciousness. He won't be able to move for the next few years at best, his bones feeling like jelly; the tears have mostly dried on his face but he still wipes at them, sniffling his nose. Nobody's ever made him come this hard or feel this good ever, so out of his mind.

"Was it good?" Seokmin asks, so obviously overjoyed even though he's also exhausted.

"What the fuck," he repeats and giggles again, looking at him. Seokmin smiles his megawatt smile like this wasn't the best sex of Soonyoung's life. "You ruined me, look at this."

It takes him minutes before he has some semblance of feeling in his body, needing to cuddle up to Seokmin even though they're both sweaty and dirty. Seokmin wraps his hands around him, pulling him in until they're pressed together, and Soonyoung moans, contented.

"You're so gone," Seokmin laughs low at him like it isn't his fault Soonyoung's brains are fucked out of his body.

"Next time, I'm going to edge you like this for so long you'll see how it feels," he threatens like it's a bad thing and Seokmin should be truly scared.

"Can't wait," he grins, and Soonyoung musters some strength to swat at him, immediately after burying his head deeper in his neck, which pretty much shows how mad he is.

"Where did you learn this though? This was crazy," he mumbles in Seokmin's neck, unwilling to move.

"I didn't learn much... I just... you told me what you like so I tried to make it good for you."

"Fuck, you did it... I am genuinely ruined and I will get revenge," he answers. This kind of bone-deep relaxation, the mental calm he's feeling, he loves it; it's not only the physical aspect of sex but it's how secure and free to be himself and let himself go he feels with Seokmin.

He had to have learned some stuff from somewhere and Soonyoung makes a note to pry later when he's not busy convincing Seokmin to carry him to the shower. It doesn't require much convincing, and the water gives Soonyoung some energy, letting the contentment settle deeper into him. When they go back and Soonyoung makes Seokmin change the sheets too, he can't help but laugh because _he ripped them_. They were cheap and fairly old but still, he literally ripped the sheets, wide tears, and he didn't even realize it. Seokmin starts laughing so hard when he sees, doubling over, Soonyoung cracking up as well.

"I thought I heard something but that's so funny," Seokmin laughs and they just throw them out. "I'll buy you new sheets when we go shopping tomorrow," Seokmin says and Soonyoung wordlessly protests, but Seokmin won't have it. "It's my fault anyway," he adds, and Soonyoung can't really contest that.

Seokmin passes out as soon as he hits the pillow but Soonyoung doesn't right away, thinking about how often Seokmin hangs out at his apartment anyway. It's routine now for them to hang out in the evenings or weekends and sleep together, and he muses about how quickly and how radically his life changed from a few months ago, when he was in a terrible relationship and feeling more trapped than ever. He owes something to Seokmin, at least to tell him about his past before they both fall too hard, promising himself he'll do that tomorrow when they're both relaxed.

 


	8. the past, the present and...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **CONTENT WARNING**: This is the chapter where I decided to describe some of the past things in Soonyoung's relationships, and they're not pleasant, there are mentions of sexual assault and abuse so just be aware (even if I portrayed them in a way Soonyoung doesn't feel like it is assault, IT IS.) Please skip over them if you need to, it's the second scene and marked with '**'. 
> 
> I did try to make them positive because especially with the current conversations in US politics and for me and my friends' experiences, I always want to talk about healing, and how people who do experience sexual assault, even if marked by it for life, can live with it and are also able to move on, have amazing relationships and people who love and respect them a lot. I don't know if I did portray that healing well enough, I don't know if I portrayed Seokmin understanding it well enough, but just know that the way I see it, he does and he tries his best to learn more about it and do what he can for Soonyoung, so if you have someone confiding in you, listen to what they want and the things they need, I guess this is my lesson.
> 
> I know that not everyone's experience is like this and in no way is anything easy to get over, but it is possible no matter what, and true love does win in the end. If you need help, if this is maybe a sign for you that you want to have your story heard or get help, you can look up RAINN's response line if you are in the US, and if you are in other countries, google a national response line or local response lines and they'll be able to help. I am always here to chat or talk about anything as well if you want a sign to reach out to someone. 
> 
> Enjoy the story, I really seek to write Soonyoung and Seokmin and everyone here as complex characters who might have dealt with a lot but who respect each other and can be happy, so I hope you enjoy it. Lots of love. <3

The morning comes and with it, Soonyoung's laziness; he's never felt this genuinely lazy, the comfort of the sheets too strong for him to move. Seokmin is snoring next to him, resting on his hand and his legs entangled with Soonyoung's, mumbling something about food and parties in his sleep, something Soonyoung's gotten used to over time. His arm is numb from where Seokmin is, but he's such a light sleeper that if Soonyoung moves, he'll surely wake up, and he looks too peaceful for Soonyoung to have the heart to. Seokmin always wakes up right as the alarm rings, always first out of bed and up to the many things he's doing, so Soonyoung wants to let him sleep as much as possible.

Except maybe a few seconds after, he feels a sneeze come up that he can't contain, so loud in the peacefulness of the morning. He startles himself so nonetheless, Seokmin shoots up a little bit, hair mussed up and eyes small with sleep. Soonyoung can't help but chuckle at Seokmin's confused face and his mumbles, after which he scoots closer to Soonyoung.

Now that he thinks about it, it really is cold, and one glance to the left tells him they've forgotten to close the window last night. One more sneeze rips out of him, and this time he decides to get up to blow his nose before it gets worse. The cold November draft is merciless when he jumps out of bed, quickly pulling another blanket from the bed and enveloping himself in it while he closes the window and goes to the bathroom.

When he comes back, Seokmin looks like he's contemplating his life from under the blankets, and he truly can't help laughing, doubling over until he reaches the bed.

"Why are you laughing?" he whines and Soonyoung laughs harder, dropping down next to him.

"You look funny," he answers simply, turning over to look at Seokmin.

Seokmin, in truly 21-year old fashion, sticks his tongue out at him, which makes Soonyoung laugh again.

His stomach hurts by the time they decide to leave the bed and make a late breakfast; they planned to go shopping by 12 and Soonyoung was not about to not follow the plan. But by the time they eat, shower and change, it's 1 already, and Soonyoung would like to be able to be annoyed, but Seokmin pulls some ridiculous renditions of girl group songs on the way to the mall, and between shushing him and joining him, Soonyoung's whole day has been made.

* * *

**

He would never have imagined that walking into a sex shop and ordering a custom-made harness would be something that he would ever do, and yet, now Soonyoung can say that he has that experience under his belt.

Seokmin didn't even bother helping him when the lady at the shop winked at them and told them to be careful with pulling on it and _attaching it to things_ , and Soonyoung had to explain by himself that it's for a dance performance. She still didn't look convinced, and Seokmin's fits of laughter didn't help.

But alas, he has a new outfit for his solo, new sheets that Seokmin refused to let him pay for and that feel so luxurious it's almost erotic, and a ton of new clothes. He didn't want to buy some of them, but when he left to try some on Seokmin just bought them for him, and he guesses that's a discussion they need to have at one point. He knows Seokmin is way more well-off than him, but he has always hated feeling the difference between him or other or letting it intervene in any way with his relationships or his friendships; Jihoon and rent are an exception because Soonyoung tries to make up for it, but he won't take it from Seokmin, no matter how rich he might be.

By the time they make hot chocolate and sit on the couch, there's something else Soonyoung feels like he needs to bring up.

"Seokmin-ah... I wanted to talk about this when we were both feeling okay," he starts, a bit hesitant, but he's made a promise to himself.

Seokmin tilts his head in a question but he feels this is important, so he lets Soonyoung talk.

"I wanted to tell you about my past relationships... so you know why I am how I am when I'm not feeling okay," he explains, and breathes in once, twice, taking a sip from his chocolate and grounding himself by the warmth on his hands. This has never been easy, no matter at which point he has been, but he wants Seokmin to know way more than it is difficult for him.

“It was freshman year, and I was in love with this hot junior that was in two of my classes and who was “straight”,” he emphasizes. “I guess you know where this is going, but... it was bad. I was starstruck and would’ve done anything for him. He used to say I moved my hips well and because I danced I was really sexy and sometimes I was so cute and acted like a girl, that’s why he was into me, so I even... pretended to be a girl if he wanted to. He told me to ‘put my stuff away’ and always made sure I was really wet, and used to call me by feminine slurs or stuff,” Soonyoung says, detached; he’s gotten over that part a while ago, but he feels Seokmin fuming with quiet anger next to him. Sweet, nice Seokmin.

“After he was done with me, I didn’t do anything, didn’t really even touch myself. I guess I knew it wasn’t my fault but it felt wrong for a while, somehow, before I managed to get it together that my sexuality or the things I want or how I look are completely normal and it didn’t mean I was like a girl and I needed to submit to someone, and all the stereotypes about people into guys, men or women or none, in general, are absolute bullshit. But it wasn’t easy, and it took me almost a year and something.

I hooked up with a lot of people after I was okay, and I didn't really let any of them top me, I needed control and needed to feel okay with myself, so I got it by getting these people under me or on top of me, but I didn't realize it then that was why. It was always fun and easy and most of them almost always wanted more but I didn't manage, I couldn't really commit... it wasn't healthy or okay for me, but... it was how it was.

And then towards the end of last year, through the break, I started seeing this other guy constantly because I was really into how mysterious and cool he was... I think you've seen him because you told me about him. And by that point I was this newly sexually liberated gay guy that had tried some stuff and wanted to see more things, closed off and forbidden things, so he showed me things. Not a lot of things I wanted to though, and sex was always this... dark, intense thing that sometimes left me ruined not in the best way. I never said no because... I don’t know really up until now. If I wanted to be cool or be cool to him or prove something to me or him that I could take it, but he didn’t really ask when he used to tie me up so tight blood didn’t flow to my arms anymore or fuck me almost without any prep, but I never said no either. He also was a lot, kind of controlling and possessive, so that time I realized it wasn’t okay but didn’t manage to quit it until he broke up with me a few weeks before I met you because I wasn't 'interesting' anymore.”

Seokmin is at a loss for words but he’s an open book, anger for these people who hurt Soonyoung burning in his eyes, in his clenched fists. Soonyoung sees empathy there burning stronger, warmth for Soonyoung, not pity. He couldn’t stand it if he saw pity.

“Awh Seokminie,” he coos, putting a hand on Seokmin’s cheek. “It’s over, and I’m okay. I don’t want you to view me as someone who’s broken. It’s there but it’s passed and even though it messed me up and it still does a bit, I don’t want you to think differently of me. It’s one of the bad things, and we all lived through bad things.” He’s underestimating it a little bit because sometimes he... thinks of it until he can’t get out of his head and it gets worse, but that hasn’t really happened for a while and maybe the worst part of it is gone.

“I wouldn’t,” Seokmin says, fierce and determined. “I couldn’t think differently about you. I respect you even more, I do so so much, but...”

“These things shouldn’t happen?”

“Yeah. You deserve the world and...”

“It’s okay, you’ll give it to me, right?” Soonyoung smiles at Seokmin and buries everything else under the affection for this boy who is one of the best things to happen to him.

Seokmin looks like he's collecting himself, like he doesn't want to be angry for Soonyoung. And then he asks tiny and hesitant if he can hug him, and Soonyoung doesn’t hesitate to say yes. Wouldn’t dream of it.

So Seokmin hugs him tight and says “I will give you the world and more if I can,” burying his face in Soonyoung’s shoulder before he pulls away, tears in his eyes. Soonyoung tries not to tear up himself, he’s promised himself he won’t over this anymore.

“You’re always so confident and sure of yourself that I didn’t think... stuff like this happened to you and... I don’t know what to do. I'll research, I promise, I'll look it up and we can talk about anything, anything you ever want or need. So you’ll tell me, right? If I ever can do anything.”

“Of course, Seokminie. But I’m okay, being with you is more than enough.”

“Okay hyung...” he sobers up and grabs Soonyoung’s hands, tight, looking into his eyes determinedly.

“I promise I won’t ever betray your trust. So tell me if anything I’m ever doing is too much. Is there anything that’s not okay? That I should look for or not do? Can we establish safewords too? Or just whatever you need?” Soonyoung chuckles at how Seokmin’s words take over him.

“It’s okay Seokminie, don’t worry. We can establish safe words and I’ll just tell you if there's something but there probably won’t be, relax. You've always made me feel good and I love everything we do, so don't worry okay? It's worse if you start treating me differently, I just wanted you to know,” Soonyoung is over the physical part of it anyway, not letting anything get past the confidence in himself and his sexuality he’s worked so hard to build up anymore; he’s come to terms with his body and his desires and that hasn’t changed. It’s the mental that needs work, but that’s Soonyoung’s fight and his alone.

So he kisses Seokmin, just a long press of lips, but it says enough.

“Hyung... I...”

“Don’t say it Seokminie. You don’t have to just because I opened up to you about this.”

“Oh... o-okay. But... I think I do.”

“I know,” Soonyoung smiles.

**

* * *

It's not the first time that it comes up, and Soonyoung doubts it'll be the last. The next time they mess around, Soonyoung can feel how hesitant Seokmin is but Soonyoung won't get mad because he understands it must be difficult for him too because he genuinely cares about Soonyoung. So he's okay with the little bit of hesitation, how overly careful he is; he just encourages Seokmin and tells him how much he likes it, how good he feels, until he feels Seokmin is more reassured.

He brings it up sometimes too, sometimes Seokmin will, most of the time he'll ask before he does something, and Soonyoung wants the confident Seokmin back because he dislikes hesitancy, dislikes feeling that things are different because then he himself feels broken. But he'll wait. After all, it means so much more that Seokmin is trying for him.

But then they get tipsy one night from some ridiculous blue liquor Seungcheol wanted to share with them, and Soonyoung breaks down and tells him he won't have anything be different, he can't stand it when he feels Seokmin hold himself back, that he feels awful. They cry a little bit, argue a little bit if it can really be called an argument, but Soonyoung feels Seokmin understands. Even if it's still on the underside of their relationship as it will probably be for a while, even if they'll probably talk about their dynamics even more from now on, everything feels normal again.

Which is a relief, because Soonyoung needs one thing to be going right in his life. There's one week and a few days left before the show, and even if everyone tried, the delays and the arguments and the obvious displeasure of some people in the show means that it looks bad; everyone knows their stuff but it does look off, like everyone's not in sync not with their bodies, but with their feelings and the level of dedication they're putting into the dance.

Soonyoung can't change that; he has one talk with Jinwook that he loathes having but he needs to, and he frustratingly has to admit that even though they're civil, nothing had changed. He'll settle with that for now, hopes that somehow Jinwook will find his love for dance again and let it win against his issues with Soonyoung.

When practice ends right one week before the show, their last and most grueling rehearsal before they do a week of on-site full runs, Soonyoung almost collapses from gratitude when all his friends show up to practice Heaven. Seokmin sees it, and comes up to hug him.

"You're okay?" he asks, squishing Soonyoung's cheek on his shoulder.

"I am dead," he laments, but cutely, and everyone laughs at him. Somehow, it's comforting.

"Fighting," Seokmin whispers to him and Soonyoung presses a quick kiss to his shoulder as a thank you.

He didn't expect it in the beginning, but seeing how in sync his friends are now, how good they are at dancing and performing, he can easily say Heaven will be one of the best performances in the show. He does still feel a bit like a failed leader at that because he didn't manage to make professional dancers absolutely kill a dance show, but looking at everyone practice now, it looks okay.

They're all amazingly stable even with the difficult choreography, and the main parts sound absolutely fantastic; Soonyoung is still amazed by the vocalists' intensity and the rappers' skill, and he can't help smiling. There are little issues he has to fix, some things to point out, but when he joins and looks at everyone in the mirror as well as himself, there's almost no difference between him, Minghao, Jun, Chan, and everyone else. He's so proud his heart could burst.

He takes some people through some steps that could be clearer, checks again to see if the vocals can hold the notes, they practice a couple more times, and by the time they're done, he has some more hope in this show. This is actually one of the first songs, so he's comfortable with the fact that at least something will go right in the beginning. After that, who knows.

* * *

For the first time, they make plans to sleep at Seokmin's place and not just hang out there; Seungcheol's room needs something fixed and Soonyoung would rather not be there and give them privacy. They can be terribly loud, and plus Soonyoung kind of feels bad because Seokmin has to go back really early in the morning sometimes since Soonyoung and Jihoon live a bit off-campus.

But then when he walks into the room, he remembers why; Seungkwan chose to use sophomore priority to live with Seokmin to get a better room since they'll move out of campus next year anyway, but still, their room is tiny, and the two separate rooms have really thin walls.

Soonyoung thanks all the spirits up there that Seungkwan isn't back for a while because he needs Seokmin to give him a massage and the sounds he makes while getting one are not entirely innocent.

So when he plops down on Seokmin's bed on his stomach, shirt off and hugging a pillow, Seokmin doesn't even ask. He even bought massage oil a while ago because Soonyoung loves massages and because of practice and dance classes that leave him feeling sore as hell, he requests them very often.

Seokmin has magical hands though, he's ridiculously good with them even if he's never taken courses or anything like that. He just knows how to push and press where it feels good, and even if he can't work on Soonyoung's knots or sore muscles specifically, it still feels great. He also likes the feeling of Seokmin on top of him, sitting on his thighs and holding him down, feels comforted and grounded.

"You should probably go get an actual massage," he says while rubbing at Soonyoung's shoulders, pulling a groan out of him. He had hit something with his shoulder today and it _hurts._

"I will, next week. I have to be in full shape for the show, so maybe I'll go," he mumbles from where his head is resting on the pillow.

"I'll make you reserve it tonight or you'll forget," Seokmin chastizes him, and Soonyoung mumbles an agreement, almost moaning after because Seokmin is pressing on his lower back and _goddamn_ does that feel good.

When Seokmin decides he's tired, he usually lets Soonyoung know by dropping down on his back, which he also does this time. Soonyoung laughs and tells him to get off and Seokmin does, getting up on his hands and knees. Soonyoung turns around and not one second later, Seokmin drops back down on him, straddling him on the bed.

"Thank you, babe," he says earnestly, feeling so relaxed and comfortable.

"Did it help?"

"Mhm," he nods because he is feeling much better. "I feel like jelly, but not sleepy at all," he also admits.

"In that case..." Seokmin asks and stops, worrying on his bottom lip. "Can I suck you off?"

Soonyoung groans, rubbing over Seokmin's thighs. "Do you even have to ask?"

Seokmin grins and shuffles down, toying with the elastic band on his sweatpants, pulling them down so slowly Soonyoung wants to take them off himself. He's being a little tease, but he's looking up so sweetly at Soonyoung he can't muster any complaints.

He never gets turned on by massages even if they feel good, but Seokmin's hot breath on his clothed cock, his lips, the tip of his tongue pressing on the underside of it does it at lightning speed, and he's panting hard as Seokmin pulls his briefs down and finally gets his mouth on him.

Except he doesn't really, taking it so slow, barely touching him, and if Soonyoung felt particularly impatient, he would've already asked Seokmin and pushed him down to fuck his mouth, but he's too relaxed for it. Seokmin's mouthing at the thick vein on the underside, licking over his slit and taking just the tip into his mouth. When Seokmin sucks particularly hard he feels it and throws his head back for a second with a groan; when he looks back, Seokmin is smiling around him, satisfied, and _finally_ takes him properly, bobbing his head and stroking what he doesn't want to take yet.

He looks so concentrated, so focused and it feels so good Soonyoung feels like melting on the bed. Seokmin has decided he's done with teasing and takes him deeply; Soonyoung latches one hand in his hair to feel him moving, encouraging him with moans and groans. His orgasm is creeping up on him so fast but he doesn't feel like resisting it for longer, so he warns Seokmin, who doesn't let up. Soonyoung comes in his mouth with a loud groan, stroking his hair.

"Yes baby," he whispers, chuckling with his head on the pillow and eyes closed. He feels Seokmin come up and kiss him, and Soonyoung grabs his nape to hold him, sneaking his tongue in his mouth. Seokmin moans before soon and Soonyoung realizes he's touching himself; Soonyoung is too loose-limbed to help him properly so he just kisses him harder, sneaking his other hand under his shirt to pinch his nipples, and it's not long before Seokmin comes with a moan, panting in his mouth more than they're kissing at this point. Soonyoung feels the come land on his stomach and laments the fact that now they have to get up and shower because he's feeling so comfortable.

So, for now, he just holds Seokmin, one hand on his jaw and one on his lower back as they make out, both of them slow. He loves lazy kissing, the unhurried slide of tongues that now leads nowhere, kissing just for the sake of it, just because they both like the feeling of each other. He bites at Seokmin's bottom lip because that's a habit they both have, Seokmin's hands holding onto his hair, just there, not pulling. If he had more energy, he would've loved to fuck Seokmin because he looks especially pliant today, but it's going to have to wait for another time, because Seokmin said he had some really good leftovers and he's gotten a massage, come, and after they take a shower, food, cuddles, and sleep is all he needs.

Seokmin pulls away when Soonyoung's stomach rumbles, laughing; Soonyoung didn't get to have dinner because of practice and it's 9 PM, so he's not to blame. Seokmin gets up and goes to the closet to get clean clothes, and Soonyoung sneaks behind him to steal his favorite sweater of Seokmin's, a fluffy, black, oversized one. Seokmin groans but Soonyoung pulls some aegyo and gets away with it, smirking on the way to the shower. (Seokmin doesn't really mind.)

When they've showered and gotten settled on the couch in Seungkwan's room (technically their living room) to eat, Seungkwan enters the room all of a sudden, plopping down on the bed and half groaning, half whining. They both chuckle but pay attention to him and wait for him to talk, except he points to his mouth and makes an x sign, pouting.

"He probably can't talk because he has to keep his voice for a recording," Seokmin fills in and Seungkwan nods, signaling he's going to make tea. They start eating and chatting, and when Seungkwan comes back and settles on the bed, they try to involve him in the conversation, non-verbally. But then Seungkwan takes a sip of his tea and burns his tongue, letting out a loud curse and frantically waving his hand with his tongue outstretched. They can't help but laugh after they've established he's okay, and Seungkwan says fuck it, starting to rant about his course and taking some of their fried rice and jjajangmyeon even though he's apparently not supposed to eat after 6 PM.

"This tea should make up for it, right?" he says, and settles back down on his bed in between their chuckling. Soonyoung shoves more food in his mouth and steals the little cucumber pieces they've taken out of their jjajangmyeon, listening as they complain about music theory courses and their terrible professors; that Soonyoung can relate to.

* * *

Soonyoung thinks it’s crazy that final rehearsals have to happen in the last week of classes too, and vows to change it next year if he can, somehow. At least the show is over before finals start so at least, everyone will have one less worry to go into finals period with.

But everyone still shows up diligently throughout the four on-site rehearsals they have this week, and Soonyoung might be imagining it, but seeing them all practice on the wide stage with the thousand seats in front of them, they look different, like fire is propelling them forward, in their moves.

They always book the Gymnasium with its 5,000 seat capacity, which is immense. Soonyoung feels so proud at how big the show is, probably the biggest performance show in the entire school, with the floor place and most of the seats always booked. The stage is huge, which they need for some of their stunts, and the wide space, knowing it will be filled with people, it changes his perspective of their work and their show in its entirety.

The last two rehearsals are with costumes and lights, and when Soonyoung looks back at the recording, he’s genuinely shocked. It’s not a miracle really, it’s just that all the parts of their performance are coming together in one, and it looks fantastic, way more than it did before. He planned it all but didn’t really know how it would look together; now that he sees it though, he’s taken aback. The dark costumes and the dim, coloured lights give off the exact atmosphere he had been looking for, the sexy but cold touch, and everybody looks spurred on by it too, even better as they move along.

None of the rappers have gotten to see the choreography to Problem until the last rehearsal, when Soonyoung has all of his friends come, except for Seokmin and Seungkwan who have their own rehearsals for a class musical, and stay from beginning to end. Soonyoung can see them from the stage at the end of the first song, all of his friends gaping at him and he grins, large and confident. It does look better.

At the end of the rehearsal, Soonyoung sits them all down.

“I don’t even know how to start,” he breathes, wringing his hands, snapping his fingers. “This has been the most intense and yet the best thing I’ve ever had the honor to do, and seeing you all here, seeing how good you are and how hard you’ve pushed even through the difficulties, I have to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

A while ago I threw some harsh words because I was frustrated, and while I can't apologize for them, I can honestly say I see the change. Even if most people came late and we all had to learn new pieces quickly and adjust our pieces to more than thirty people each for both beginner and amateur groups, even with the choreography changes after that, you all have pulled through, you have gained your love for dance back, I hope, and you look absolutely amazing out there. I am so proud and I have so much confidence in all of you that this will be our best show yet,” he grins and everyone cheers and claps. He sees Jinwook and some of his friends crack a smile as well, and honestly, that’s all he needs.

“So now, I should also announce that our show is sold out!” he cheers and waves his hands around, and everyone joins him, the screams of joy deafening. “Since two years ago, the first year I was here, we’ve chosen to only do one show and book a bigger place instead as I don’t think the energy or the impact can be easily replicated, but this is the first year that we’ve sold out the half of the stadium we gave out and actually released more tickets for. We have almost 3,000 people coming, and it’s not just students. We’ve actually gotten a lot of popularity due to our social media efforts in the past years,” he says and points to Minghao, who smiles and everyone cheers for him.

“So it’s also a lot of people that have heard of how good we are and will come to see us, people who love dancing and scouts as well. I don’t want to pressure you, but I want to tell you that so you know how far you’ve come and how awesome you all are going to do. Kill it,” he says and cheers, everyone following suit, cheering for themselves and for their achievements. Soonyoung’s heart swells with pride.

His friends come to him after everyone starts shuffling out, hugging him and teasing him for the speech, and Soonyoung’s promised all of them that they’ll go to dinner tonight, so he follows them out and to the barbecue place they’ve chosen.

He can’t eat a lot as he’s going to have to be in super shape for tomorrow, but he laughs at Mingyu stuffing food into his mouth and Minghao choosing a great time to tickle him, and his friends’ antics relax the nervousness in him. It’ll be perfectly fine but he is a bit anxious, as he should be, somehow not yet used to the nerves before performances.

During the dinner, he pulls his phone out and before realizing it, he’s opening his Kakao chat with Seokmin.

“Call me when you have a second,” he types and adds a kissing emoji so Seokmin knows it’s not serious.

A few minutes later, his phone rings and he goes out of the restaurant to the relative silence of the street.

“Hi babe, you alright? Sorry again I couldn’t make it to this rehearsal” Seokmin greets him, apologetic, and he smiles.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m great, and don’t worry. If you come tomorrow for the pre-show rehearsal it’s fine.”

“I’ll be there, you know it.”

“I know... that’s actually not why I wanted to talk to you. So umm, after every show I actually go home for a few days, just to kind of... take it all in and relax where it’s quiet. And I usually go by myself, but I was wondering if you wanted to go with me this year. We don’t have classes next week and I’ll study too for finals, but yeah. Only if you want,” he says, a bit hesitant like he doesn’t know if Seokmin will want to, if he’s asking for too much.

“Of course!” Seokmin answers, his excitement plain in his voice. “Only if you want me to, are you sure? I don’t want to intrude on your you time.”

“You’re not, you’re really not. I really want you to come.”

“Okay, then I’d love to,” he says, and Soonyoung can hear the smile on his face.

“But... umm, the thing is... I’m not very out to my parents. I’m not out at all actually. We can talk about this and I get if you don’t want to pretend you’re my friend but... I haven’t felt yet like it’s the right time to tell them because I don’t want to ruin our relationship,” he confides in Seokmin, hoping he understands. This could be a make it or break it moment for them too if Seokmin is not okay with him not being out, but he trusts he’ll understand.

“Hey, it’s okay, I get it. I’d love to meet your parents even as your friend too, don’t worry about it,” he comforts Soonyoung, and he can feel a weight lift from his chest that he didn’t even know was there.

“Okay... let’s talk about it before though. I’d like to hear what you think.”

“Do you want me to come by tonight? I’m free in like half an hour.”

“Oh, yeah, sure. I’ll be back by then, finishing up dinner with everyone,” he says, and when he looks back in, Jeonghan is waving his bag at him and mouthing if it’s all. Soonyoung nods and Jeonghan picks it up, making his way over to everyone else who’s paying.

 _“See you soon,”_ Seokmin says in English, the pun on his name making Soonyoung chuckle, saying bye as well.

Everyone comes out of the restaurant and Soonyoung realizes he didn’t pay, going to make his way back inside when Jeonghan stops him.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says and Soonyoung shakes his head, refusing.

“Let me pay you back then,” he says, pulling his wallet out.

“Nope. Treat us tomorrow instead,” he says and drops a hand around his shoulder as they walk back to campus. Soonyoung has learned it’s useless to argue with him.

“Thanks,” he says earnestly, and Jeonghan turns to him.

“We’re all proud of you,” he says all of a sudden, and he’s taken aback. “Right?” he asks louder, and everyone loudly agrees, squeezing Soonyoung’s arm or poking him. Soonyoung loves his friends, truly.

* * *

 

When they get back to their apartment, Soonyoung decides he has to wash the dishes because they’re ridiculously piled up in the sink, and Jihoon reluctantly helps, putting them in the strainer.

“The show is actually great,” Jihoon says, genuinely appreciative, and it means a lot to Soonyoung. “You’ve worked so hard and it can be seen.”

“Thank you,” he says earnestly. “Are you excited to sing and dance?” he grins at Jihoon, who grumbles but can’t hide how he truly feels.

“You are,” Soonyoung teases. “You should be.”

“I am, yeah. It’s really fun,” he admits after a while, and Soonyoung feels accomplished to have heard that even from Jihoon, who even as a natural performer, still feels awkward on stage.

By the time the doorbell rings, Jihoon has already headed back to his room and Soonyoung is alone, picking up his clothes and stuff from the living room. When he opens the door, Seokmin jumps on him, hugging him.

“Hello,” he says, but he’s muffled by Soonyoung’s shirt. Soonyoung chuckles and pulls him in, almost dropping the clothes he’s holding.

When they get to the room, Seokmin drops his backpack on his desk chair and stretches, letting out a yawn.

“Can I shower?”

“I actually didn’t shower either, was waiting for you.”

“Okay then,” Seokmin grins and drags him to the bathroom; he has a towel here already and some clothes, so Soonyoung picks them up and follows him without saying anything.

They kiss in the shower for a bit but nothing more, Seokmin feeling playful and trying to tickle Soonyoung and Soonyoung swatting at him because it’s cold and he wants to get out quick.

When they do, he’s quick to get under his blanket because it really is cold, December already upon them, and Seokmin follows, dropping down on top of the covers. He never seems to be cold, Soonyoung doesn’t understand because he’s a summer baby through and through.

"Tell me," he says and turns to Soonyoung, resting his head on his arms. Soonyoung lays on his side as well, facing him.

"I don't know. I'm just not sure if I want to... come out. My family loves me now but..." he purses his lips, taking a breath. "I'm afraid they won't and they'll see me in a different way if I tell them. And I'm really close to them and I love being home, it's my safe and quiet place even with this hanging on my shoulders every time I go back. So losing that... I don't know if I'm okay with it."

He doesn't tear up but his voice breaks, and Seokmin entangles their fingers, squeezing his hand in wordless comfort. When he speaks, it's not comforting in that sweet tone, low tone, but genuinely what he thinks.

"You don't have to, simple as that. If you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to feel like you need to do it. Wait until you feel better or you feel more sure about yourself. Doing it in college is hard because that is where you live, so if you want to wait, that's totally fine."

"I know... I just don't want to introduce you as my friend, you don't deserve it."

"Hey, I'm fine with it," Seokmin says, looking into his eyes to show he means it. "I came out to my parents and sometimes I wish I didn't, so I get it. It's okay, I'm here anyway."

"You did?" he asks, startled. That he didn't know.

"Yeah... when I was in high school, I came out to them as bi," Seokmin says, but he doesn't look happy recounting it. "They thought that they made a mistake when raising me, because they were so busy and didn’t give me enough attention I turned like that. Maybe if I had been gay and told them that, they would’ve had to accept it. But now... they think any relationship I have with a guy is a phase and because I like girls too, I’ll grow out of it and go back eventually, so they just dismiss it as temporary because I'm young,” he shrugs, but it obviously hurts him. Soonyoung’s heart breaks a little.

"Seokminnie... I'm sorry..."

"Don't be sorry, why are you? I know myself, I know it's not a phase, so it's okay. I always tell them about my relationships, maybe for them to see, maybe to spite them. They won't disown me or treat me badly or anything like that, they'll just dismiss it and be awkward with it, so it's okay," he says, but it's in no way okay.

"It's not okay but... I'm sorry. They'll come around one day, I'm sure."

"It's fine," he says and smiles. "I told them about you, actually."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah... I told them I met this amazing boy that is sunshine incarnate and that makes me so happy. I'll take you to meet them one day maybe, they won't treat you badly, they'll probably love you. You're probably all they wanted me to be. My sister will love you too. "

Soonyoung smiles for Seokmin, a little bitterly though.

"I'd love to. You'll meet my siblings too, my family usually comes to the show."

"They do?"

"Yeah, which might be a little awkward this year, since I'm doing Touch... speaking about coming out, maybe they'll suspect it a little bit," he chuckles because it's true. It's not exactly the most innocent nor traditionally manly performance.

"I'm sure it'll be fine... idols do it all the time. But if you want to come out this time or whenever, also just know that I'm here, really. It's not easy but I'm here," Seokmin says and squeezes Soonyoung's hand.

"Thanks, baby."

Seokmin grins, pecking him on the lips. They're both so tired so they turn the lights off, getting ready to sleep because Soonyoung has to be up at an ungodly hour tomorrow morning.

"I'll figure out how to get home and let you know the day after tomorrow, okay? We have to pack up the stage and clean up Sunday morning, so we'll probably leave Sunday afternoon. I don't want to take the train or anything cause I have shit to carry to and from, so maybe a taxi," he tells Seokmin.

"If you want to drive, we can take my car," Seokmin throws.

"You have a car but you can't drive?"

"I mean technically my parents have more, it was supposed to be mine but then I didn't pass my exam and never bothered to try again. But we can take it, we can taxi home and pick it up."

"Okay then... that works. But you should take the exam again, I'll teach you in the break if you want. I'm mostly in Seoul anyway."

"Sure, yeah. I think I want to learn eventually."

"Good," Soonyoung says and yawns, cuddling up to Seokmin and leeching off his body warmth. Seokmin throws an arm around him to help and before he knows it, he drifts off even through the nerves settled in his head.

 


	9. (a part of) the future

This kind of feeling, the thrum in his veins before he goes on stage, the excitement that makes him feel almost high, floating, he loves it. This is what he lives for, what he's good at, what he loves doing, and despite the nerves, the moment when he walks on stage in the darkness, confident about his place and basking in everyone's energy around him, he feels _whole._

Problem is a hard song with a hard choreography, so when he performs it, he feels the energy lift up, the thrum of the audience, the vibration on the stage when they jump and land in unison. It's a great start, the best way to start the show, and he can't contain his excitement when they prepare for the next song and he high fives everyone backstage.

It continues in a frenzy, intense lights and quick changes and choreographies that Soonyoung knows down to the bone. It's so quick to finish, the whole hour and a half a constant craze of costumes and changes.

It's when the first notes to Touch start to play that he finally feels calm, slow steps as the light shines on him. This is when he knows he controls, when thousands of eyes are on him, catching the slightest of his steps, his expressions, and he feels _powerful, sexy_. He puts his all into expressing all the things people have said to him in this single piece, all the insults, slurs, and all the good things too, finally confident in his own skin. It goes perfectly but he didn't really expect it any other way, and when he goes off, he can see the audience's reaction on the back of his eyelids, hear the echo of their claps and shouts in his ears. He's so happy he's managed to put himself out there like that even in front of a public in a homophobic country, and for once, he allows himself to be proud of himself.

Seokmin meets him backstage, but all he can say is a quick 'holy fuck' and hug him quick before Soonyoung has to run and change for the next song.

It all ends in also a craze, barely knowing how he danced to the last improv song. The only time he focuses himself is to pay attention to the scouts who have come to talk to him, and he leaves with notes scribbled on business cards shoved safely in his pocket. He'll deal with that next week, but for now, all he wants to do is finish up and go eat.

He's taking everyone out for barbecue on the club's budget and they take over pretty much all the restaurant. He goes between tables where everyone demands he takes a shot, so by the time he's done, he's well beyond tipsy. Sitting by Seokmin, he eats his first bite of the night and notices that Seokmin's saved him bites of cooked meat. He's starving and groans at the sight, wired up and exhausted, and he pecks Seokmin on the lips as a quick thank you.

And then he realizes they're in a public restaurant, and everybody seems to not notice except Jeonghan who raises an eyebrow at him. He blushes and ducks his head, embarrassed and ashamed until Seokmin lays a hand on his thigh and whispers to him it's okay. Nobody else that's not in their group seems to have noticed so he sighs in relief, but he's always been careful with things like these, especially where they live.

It does put a bit of a stop on his night and all of a sudden he feels exhausted, everything hitting him all at once. He's done with the show and now that the hype is gone and his mind clears, he realizes just how tired he is.

Seokmin notices and as soon as it's okay to they make their excuses and head out, most people following. He doesn't know when they get back or when they change and jump in bed, just feels the momentary comfort of Seokmin wrapped around him before he sleeps.

* * *

The next day, they're on the road later than he thought after cleaning up the set and picking up Seokmin's car, but early enough to make it back for lunch. Soonyoung's missed driving, loves it a lot, and that, coupled with going home, makes him so excited he's almost buzzing on the way back.

When they reach home, his mom wraps him in the biggest hug even though she's seen him yesterday, and he hugs her back, her comforting scent reminding him of childhood, bringing him back home truly.

They greet Seokmin and it's then when it hits Soonyoung how it looks, that he's literally brought his boyfriend home to meet his parents, but he puts it on the back of his mind and tries not to let it stress him out, because it will be much worse as he's a terrible actor.

His parents prepared lunch, most of Soonyoung's favorite dishes on the table, and he eats so much he feels round when he gets off to help them pick at cleaning it. The talk is alright, polite and Seokmin is doing his best to impress his parents, which he's managing. He's genuinely well-mannered, positive and happy, and his parents love him, he can see that; the pang in his chest at the fact that he can't tell them comes and stays, but this is enough.

Right after, he shows Seokmin around and they chat with his parents until his father has to leave, and Soonyoung wants nothing more than a nap. It's not snowing, but it's cloudy and almost dark, perfect nap weather on the bed against the large windows in his room.

He locks his room from the inside because he really doesn't want his mother to come in and see him cuddling Seokmin on his bed. He told his mom he'll sleep on the floor and give Seokmin his bed as the guest room is taken; if she knocks and finds the room locked, Soonyoung figures he can tell her it's reflex. So he joins Seokmin on the bed, laying his head on his shoulder and dropping an arm around his waist, out in seconds.

* * *

When he gets up, mouth feeling like cotton and darkness enveloping his room, he realizes how much he's missed home. It's so quiet, so peaceful, and he can just take a nap whenever he feels. There's that feeling you get when you sleep for three hours in the afternoon and wake up and it's dark, a kind of bone-deep contentment and the world realigns that is so hard to come by in their busy lives. Seokmin's still sleeping so Soonyoung extracts himself quietly and goes down, following the rumbling in the kitchen.

He enters the kitchen yawning, resting his hip on the table as he watches his mother cook, like back in the old days.

"Where's Seokmin?"

"He's sleeping," he says and schools his voice to be neutral, to not let out in those two words how warm he felt seeing Seokmin smiling in his sleep on his childhood bed, how good it was to see him fit into this corner of his world he never really shared with anyone.

“Soonyoungie. I know,” his mom says all of a sudden, somber.

Fear paralyzes him with just those two words, freezing him in place, an indescribable feeling of shame and guilt, of fear and denial taking over him. Is this it, the end of his relationship with his parents?

“I think I’ve known for a while, dear. There’s that kind of happiness you get only in a relationship, and I saw it in you lately but you didn’t tell us anything. You always used to tell us about your girlfriends, you always told us everything, sweetie,” his mom whispers, but she’s not disgusted. She sounds okay.

“When we first saw you backstage, Seokmin had his hand on your lower back for a bit and you didn’t realize it, he didn’t look like a friend to me, and now that you've brought him here... you haven't brought people here in a while. But I’ve known from before, dear, a mother always feels these things.”

Soonyoung can’t do anything but look at her, frozen in place. His mother sighs and places one rough hand on his cheek like she used to always comfort him.

“It’s alright, my dear. I might not get it or understand it, but you’re my son and I love you. And if that boy loves you too and treats you well, there’s nothing I can say or do,” she tells him, comforting.

Soonyoung feels himself cry, the tears flowing down his cheeks, choking the air out from his lungs.

“Mom...” he whispers through the tears, voice breaking. His mother strokes his cheeks, wiping his tears away, cooing at him.

“It’s alright, my son. I love you no matter what,” she takes him in her arms and Soonyoung can’t help but bury his head in her shoulder and cry. The tears are wetting her cotton shirt, her favorite, but Soonyoung can’t help it, cries and clings to his mother until he feels empty inside, like he can’t anymore.

“Mother...” he sniffles when he gets up, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “Thank you.”

“Aigo my boy, why are you thanking me? Am I not your mother? Isn’t it my only job to love you and accept you as you are?”

“I know but...”

“Shh, child,” she interrupts him, blunt but comforting. Soonyoung loves her so much.

“Your father...” she starts and hesitates. Soonyoung knows. “Your father doesn’t know and you should not tell him, dear, he doesn’t think the same as me. He would not react very well, you know it.”

“I do.”

“Bring that boy here more often. Let him figure it out himself as I did, and I’ll be there for you when he does. But tell me more about him. Tell me what you haven't told me so far."

"He makes me happy, mom... We haven't been together long but he gets me and he's been there for me this whole time I don't think I've had a great semester at school, with dance and some conflicts with people there, and I've been so busy it stressed me out a lot. But he's been there for me, he's so genuine and bright and even when he's had his own issues, we've been able to help each other." The words flow out of him unbidden, he's missed being able to tell his mom about his happiness, about the people that change him and he cares about.

"So he means a lot to you?"

"He does, mom, so much. I think... we match very well."

His mom smiles, the lines at the corner of her lips comforting him. He wants to tear up because he feels so much freer now, the smile on his mother's face something he didn't know he needed so much.

"I've seen it, that you're different, calmer. I could tell you were busy and stressed, but you seemed more at peace too. I thought I'd wait for you to tell me, but it seems like I forced it out of you."

"It's okay, I needed it maybe..." he pauses, taking his mom's hands in his. They're rough, calluses running down her palms from all the work she's done, and he holds on to them. "Thank you, mom."

She smiles and kisses his forehead like she always does, and sends him off.

"Go get your boy up for dinner. Your dad won't be back tonight, he's in Seoul to buy some stuff with the village head."

"Okay, I'll be careful."

"He'll come around if he figures it out. Just let him think about it by himself first."

Soonyoung nods; now that his mother knows he'd like his father to as well, but he'll wait. His relationship with them is important to him as well, and if it means taking it slow, he'll wait.

* * *

He reaches the room and is careful to open the door slowly, the moonlight illuminating Seokmin's form on the bed. It's calming and slow, even if remains of his conversation remain in his head and wring him up.

"Minnie," he whispers, running his hand slowly over Seokmin's waist where he's facing up. Seokmin flinches a little and groans, stretching on the bed and putting his arm around Soonyoung's waist, pulling him in.

"Hi," Seokmin whispers with his eyes closed, voice low and rough with sleep.

"Hi, baby," he whispers back, running his hand over Seokmin's bicep now. "Do you want to get up? Dinner's almost done."

“5 more minutes?” he hums, so close to Soonyoung he almost feels his lips on his forehead.

“Sure,” he nods. If he wasn’t so strung up, he would’ve probably fallen asleep in Seokmin’s arms, comforting and warm. But his conversation with his mother is repeating in his head, and he can't hold back from thinking about it.

“Seokminie... she knows,” he whispers, his voice trembling. He feels himself tear up again, from relief and from knowing he’s safe, that he still has his family in a way.

Seokmin’s eyes shoot open, immediately awake and focused.

“Baby, are you okay?”

“Yes... I’m okay, she was okay,” he says, voice breaking at the end, and the tears fall unbidden.

Seokmin tucks his head in his shoulder and keeps him close to his chest, letting him cry until he feels he’s let it all out once more, in the comfort of the other person he cares so much about.

“I’m so glad, so so glad,” he says, and Soonyoung can feel it in his voice, the emotions Seokmin feels so deeply for him.

“I know... she was okay. She knew from a while ago, I didn’t tell her. She doesn’t understand, she said, but she accepts me and still loves me. And she likes you a lot, I can tell,” he says, pulling back a little to look into Seokmin’s eyes.

Seokmin smiles, the tiny true smile that comes out when he’s peaceful and happy, and Soonyoung can’t help but do the same. He’s never imagined a scenario where he could have this, both his family and a boy he cares about so much, but he does now, and the gratefulness, the relief is unimaginable.

He kisses Seokmin, a long press of lips that still tastes like tears, and Seokmin hugs him again after, both his arms tight around him.

“Thank you for bringing me here. We’ve been here less than a day but I can see why you love it so much. It’s so beautiful and your family is so great, I already kind of feel at home,” Seokmin whispers in his ear and Soonyoung didn't expect it, but Seokmin looks like he's been here since forever, always a part of Soonyoung's life.

“I’ll bring you here in the summer too, I actually really like doing work outside, it’s very relaxing. You’d love it too,” he says, and the promise in it rings loud and clear. Soonyoung is comfortable now with making these plans, with committing himself; the fact that his mother has figured out and approved this only makes him more confident in them, in their future.

“I can’t wait,” Seokmin says.

They’re both city boys, they’ve established that a while ago, Soonyoung doesn’t doubt that they have a bright future ahead in a big place that’s enough to take them both, but Soonyoung will always appreciate these small quiet, peaceful moments when they feel like they can be by themselves and nothing else.

* * *

The dinner is uneventful, way less awkward than he expected it to be. His mother asked them questions about themselves, about college and to Seokmin only. Soonyoung can tell she’s having difficulties with it but she’s trying so hard, Soonyoung appreciates it so much and he doesn’t hesitate to tell her. His mom and Seokmin wash the dishes together while Soonyoung clears the table and it’s calm, nice, Seokmin’s loud laughter breaking through sometimes. He gets along so well with his mother it’s kind of ridiculous, but Soonyoung can’t help but smile.

After dinner, he decides he wants to show Seokmin his favorite place. It’s a warm night for December, clear, and the moonlight is shining bright, illuminating the way.

The back of their yard leads to a little forest, public space even though as far as he’s lived, most people considered it his family’s. Barely a few meters in, the trees give way to a small river that’s always been clear and calm, some of the area on both its banks a clearing. In summer, flowers bloom bright everywhere, and Soonyoung is always hesitant to step on them but now though, the river is mostly frozen and the trees bleak, and yet it’s beautiful, peaceful. His father wanted to change it up, cut down the trees and make a stone path and build a place to relax on with a bar and a pool and chairs; Soonyoung was just a kid but he remembers refusing it and throwing a tantrum because it was so beautiful like that, memories of playing with his friends in the river or reading under the sun until he burned from it (once, after that his mom made him wear sunscreen all the time). His father gave up in the end, only cutting down some trees and making a small walking bridge over the river and let it be, and the place has always remained Soonyoung’s, somehow. A little inside the trees, there’s a rock next to a tree that always gives shade in summer, and Soonyoung grabs Seokmin’s hand and leads him there.

He sits down on the rock and Seokmin joins him, shivering at the initial feeling; it’s cold, Soonyoung never sat on the rock, mostly used it as a table as it’s so flat, but in the frigid air, it’s somehow worse to sit on the ground. They get used to it after a while and Soonyoung tucks himself under Seokmin’s arm, looking at the frozen river.

“I was here maybe half of my childhood. Playing with friends, doing homework, doing housework like shucking corn or popping peas with my mom when she needed me to, sometimes other village mothers would gather here together. My mom always asked me if it was okay because she knew it was my place, and I did mind it a little bit then, but now the memories of those times when they used to gossip around me are one of the happiest, I think for my mom too,” he remembers, smiling.

“It’s so beautiful,” Seokmin says, obviously in awe. It does look like a little piece of heaven even in winter, especially in the moonlight. Soonyoung hums as a yes, tangling his fingers with Seokmin’s.

For a while, the only sound is their breathing; there’s nothing around, nothing like in the city or their campus, always bustling, always loud, always a party somewhere. There’s nothing but Seokmin’s comfort next to him, the grounding feeling of the rock, the content memories of his childhood.

Seokmin turns his head, his lips buried in Soonyoung’s hair. His thumb is tracing patterns on Soonyoung’s hand, and even in the cold, he feels nothing but warmth.

“I love you.”

Seokmin whispers it in his hair, buries it in his skin, in his heart. Soonyoung would tear up, but all he feels is something settling where it should be.

“I love you too.”

Seokmin’s lips curve in a smile, small, private when Soonyoung looks at him. His hand is warm stroking Soonyoung’s cheek and he leans into it, closing his eyes.

He loves him, he loves him _so much_ , and the world is still upright, the moon still in the sky, and the rock still under them. He loves Seokmin and nothing’s changed, it feels nothing but right.

He feels it when they kiss, though. How he has a name for the little content sighs Seokmin lets out, for how his heart jumps at the drag of his lips and he can’t help but press closer, needing to feel. It’s love, Soonyoung loves him and Seokmin loves him back. Simple, easy, and yet he’s never felt more alive.

* * *

When Seokmin presses him on the bed, it’s instinct for Soonyoung to open up to make space for him in between his thighs. The caress of Seokmin’s hand still raises goosebumps on his skin even though the room is too hot, and the lips on his neck light up all the nerves in his body.

It’s like he feels it all, like for the first time he’s not afraid to show too much; Seokmin’s seen all of him and still let Soonyoung carve his own space in his heart and waited until Soonyoung was ready to do the same on his. There’s nothing he has to hide anymore.

So when Seokmin opens Soonyoung up on his fingers, the pleasure is overwhelming but liberating, somehow. Seokmin kisses him to keep him quiet and he can’t help but moan in his mouth, grinding down to get him deeper.

“Do you want me to make you come like this?” Seokmin asks, barely a whisper.

“No, please get in me, I want you,” he answers, whining amongst heavy breaths and fingers grabbing at Seokmin's arms to pull him closer.

“Okay,” he says and kisses him on the forehead, pulling his fingers out carefully so he doesn’t hurt Soonyoung.

They’ve been here so many times, Seokmin sliding into him slow enough for Soonyoung to get used to the feeling, and yet tonight it’s so different. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s his home and they have to be so quiet and slow, maybe it’s the confession, maybe it’s how Soonyoung can’t stop looking at him. But he feels his heart stutter when Seokmin pushes in all the way, enveloping him with his arms and kissing him so openly, Soonyoung can feel how much Seokmin feels too.

He’s struggling to keep quiet when Seokmin pulls back out and pushes in again so so slow, not breaking apart from his lips; whines escape his mouth and Seokmin swallows them all, Soonyoung encouraging him with his hands in his hair, with whispers of his name falling like a chant from his lips.

They’ve never done it so slow but it lights something up in Soonyoung like it’s never done before. He doesn’t need it harder or faster, he’s just so content to feel Seokmin like that, to be with him like he is. Perhaps that is what love is, that everything feels right if it’s with the right person.

Seokmin swoops down to bite at his neck, and Soonyoung can’t think anymore.

“Mark me,” he whispers, pushing Seokmin down with the hand in his hair.

“Soonie...” Seokmin answers, careful.

“Do it where it’s not obvious, just do it, please,” he begs. He’s never really particularly liked hickeys, but now he wants a reminder of this so bad, wants to remember it in the morning, to know it’s there, a secret between Seokmin and him that's on him, on his body.

Seokmin obliges him and bites at his collarbone, sucking on the skin and soothing it with his tongue, and Soonyoung can’t help but moan, mouth dropping open at the feeling.

He’s breathing hard when Seokmin looks down at him and makes eye contact; he’s just grinding against his spot now and it’s driving Soonyoung crazy, barely managing to stop his moans. With his eyes sweeping over him, Seokmin drags his thumb over Soonyoung’s bottom lip, pressing it down on his tongue until Soonyoung feels it, whining around it.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers and sweeps down to kiss Soonyoung, wrapping his legs around his waist. The position gets him deeper and Soonyoung groans way too loud, thankfully muffled by Seokmin’s lips.

He reaches down to grab at Seokmin’s hips, at his fingers on Soonyoung’s own hips, something to ground himself on. Instead, his fingers drift over where they’re connected and Seokmin is sliding into him so deep, and the feeling, coupled with Seokmin’s hand stroking on his cock and the grinding on his prostate, breaks him.

“Seokmin, fuck, I’m coming, fuck,” he whispers frantically, whining in the little space between their mouths. Seokmin muffles him as much as he can, but he can’t think about that, can only think about the pleasure spreading from the tips of his fingers to the rest of his body, how good Seokmin feels all around him.

It feels like forever when the last of his shivers go away and he feels like a human being again, and he strokes Seokmin’s cheeks from where he’s just laying on the bed, unable to move.

“I love you,” he says earnestly, his eyes boring deep into Seokmin’s eyes, now feeling the tears on his cheeks that he didn’t notice before. _He loves Seokmin so much,_ the realization hits him once again.

”Come inside me baby, come on,” he encourages Seokmin in a low whisper, clenching weakly around him until he buries himself deep and Soonyoung moans at the feeling of him coming inside him. Soonyoung can’t take his eyes away from his face, how pleasure looks so good on him, relaxed and content, a large smile on his face as he wipes the tears from Soonyoung’s cheeks.

“Love you too,” Seokmin whispers back, easy and slow, turning on their sides and hooking one of Soonyoung’s legs over his thighs.

“Can you... can we stay like this for one more minute?” Soonyoung asks, tiny and sheepish. He’s mentioned this before but... “I like how you feel inside me,” he admits, hiding his face under his hands. Seokmin takes them away though, looking at him.

“Yes,” he says, smiling. “You don’t have to hide. I told you I like it too.” Soonyoung kisses him and he feels him shift inside him, his hole clenching weakly around him and he can’t help but moan a little bit at the feeling.

“You’re still hard,” Seokmin mentions and fuck, he didn’t realize it but he feels it now. Seokmin smiles and wraps his hand around his cock, grinding slowly inside him. He’s so sensitive but it feels so good, not intense but like he’s outside of himself a little bit, the feeling so mellow and unhurried.

He whines when Seokmin pulls out, his come trickling down Soonyoung’s thighs, but he slides two long fingers inside him right away, curling them to find his prostate, and Soonyoung bites back a moan. He loves it, can’t decide between grinding down on Seokmin’s fingers and fucking into his fist, his eyes closed from pleasure.

He feels his second orgasm build up slow, gradually until the pleasure bursts and the tremors take over him. When he comes, it’s like all the tension inside him is released and he feels like jelly, so peaceful and content.

The pressure on his spot is too much now and he tells Seokmin that until he pulls out; another time, perhaps when they don’t have to be so quiet, he’ll make Seokmin fuck him until he literally can’t come anymore, or maybe do it to him, but for now, he’s happy. He doesn’t know what possesses him but he takes Seokmin’s hand and licks the come off of his fingers, Seokmin moaning at the sight.

“You’re killing me,” Seokmin says and Soonyoung chuckles.

“Like you just didn’t, baby,” he answers, the smile playing at the corner of his lips. “Thank you for taking care of me. I’ve always wanted to do this,” he admits, squeezing Seokmin’s hand and looking into his eyes.

“What? Fucking on your childhood bed?” Seokmin chuckles, and hearing him swear always does things to Soonyoung. He's a weak, weak man.

“ _Making love_ on my childhood bed,” he corrects because that’s what it was. Seokmin looks taken aback like for a second he’s forgotten about the fact that this is what they have now, before he coos at him.

“Now shower,” Soonyoung whispers and gets up. Thankfully, his parents’ room is far away from his because they weren’t as quiet as they should have, but it will be okay. He’ll deal with it if he has to. For now, he puts clothes on and drags Seokmin to the bathroom in the hall, quietly; they shower quick and head back to bed. Thankfully, they managed not to make a mess of the sheets and he’ll spill something on them to wash them tomorrow, so for now, they just head to sleep.

Seokmin tells him he loves him once again like he can’t get used to knowing he can, and when Soonyoung answers him, it’s the most honest thing he’s ever said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried a lil' bit, whoops.


	10. the decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this is the last chapter of part 1. I wanted to post this with the last chapter, but it would've gotten too long and I wanted to add a few more things, so here it is!

"You didn't tell him? How did you forget?" Seungcheol asks him, snacking on his brunch.

Soonyoung shakes his head, turning puppy eyes to Seokmin. "Sorry, babe."

"Well you're going to have to come, because we reserved it for 13 people!" Junhui pipes in from the other side of the table.

"I will come, but what is it?"

"Every year after finals in winter we go to a cabin for 3 days and like make snowmen, play board games, drink by the fire and so on. It's our way of relaxing, and it's so much fun. This past year we've extended it a lot," Jeonghan says, looking around at all the people around them. With Vernon and Chan coming in, Seungkwan and Seokmin this year as well, and Minghao, Junhui, Mingyu and Wonwoo last year, they have truly extended their friend group from last year when it used to be just him, Seungcheol, Jeonghan, Joshua and Jihoon.

Soonyoung wouldn't have any other way.

Seokmin nods excitedly, he loves these kinds of things too. Soonyoung smiles and joins the conversation as well, laughing about Seungkwan's crazy snowman ideas.

* * *

Later in the week, he gets the call he's been waiting for. It's _the studio_ , the one everyone would die to work with and which only captains of top dance groups and a few people get an offer even to audition with, Soonyoung knows because he's memorized the number. He's not a senior and so he won't get a full offer with them, but he's the first team leader to have been a junior and so he knows they'll at least ask him to work with them this winter. If not, he's fully ready to beg.

He doesn't have to, because they do invite him to audition with them this winter; they also tell him that it's a formality, that they're impressed and he should start the official training throughout winter and the spring semester so he can work with them fully in summer and throughout the next year.

It's an incredible offer, and he's fully honored that they've given it to him; he can barely hold his voice during the rest of the call, and the woman calling him chuckles at him at the end.

When the call ends, Seokmin sees his expression and picks him up, twirling him around. Soonyoung laughs and wraps his legs around his waist and his arms around his neck to not fall, his happiness obvious. When Seokmin kisses him, their teeth clash and they only laugh harder.

"I'm so happy for you," Seokmin whispers and Soonyoung smiles, kissing him again.

* * *

He doesn't know how he passes his finals, he's so excited, and time passes by so fast it's ridiculous. The piece he worked on with Minghao and Junhui turns out amazing, and the other pieces for his classes also work out perfectly. Now that he has the experience of choreographing for his group, he feels like he can do anything, and with the expectation of the training this winter, he's on cloud nine for what feels like weeks. Not even the fact that Jinwook will audition with him feels bitter; he is a good dancer and he deserved it, and it seems like he is somehow warming up to Soonyoung. He probably figured that he also needs a friend when he'll go through the process, but Soonyoung doesn't mind Jinwook is using him. It is how it is, and Soonyoung prefers friends rather than enemies.

It's a few days before they leave for the cabin, Soonyoung officially done with the semester, when his phone rings again. Soonyoung freezes when he sees the contact.

"Mr. Kwon, good afternoon. We are calling you about the offer we had previously made."

"Yes," Soonyoung says, but a vice wraps around his heart and his heart drops to his stomach.

"We are calling you because of an emergency; one of the backup dancers for the most famous idol group we work with has fallen sick and will not be able to follow through with it. We are currently short-staffed, so we would like to offer you the position if you are interested. We do not normally give it to people we haven't trained, but as it is an emergency and you have the skills, we would like you to do it and potentially help with some last-minute choreographing," they say, professional, and yet Soonyoung almost wants to jump and scream.

"Yes, I would be very interested. What would it entail?" he asks, trying to keep professional as well.

"The tour starts in a couple of months and it is for a world tour, so it would be for around four and a half months. You would be able to freeze a semester with your university in that case."

Soonyoung ponders it for a moment, but for something like this, he would 100%.

"There is another thing... Someone who knows you let us know of a certain issue, that you are currently in a relationship. Mr. Kwon unfortunately, it would be impossible for us to take you in that case."

Soonyoung's heart falls. In his room, Seokmin is laughing, on the phone with Jeonghan.

"It is our policy as we would like to avoid all possible scandals, even peripheral ones, with our groups, so nothing like that will be able to happen on the tour or in the future if you work with us. I am sure you understand." Soonyoung hears, but for nothing.

"Please take a few days to have the necessary discussions with your university and finish what I mentioned, and then let us know so we can begin the process to train you for the dances. Thank you for understanding," they say and say goodbye. Soonyoung answers, locks his phone and falls to the floor.

It's... this is all Soonyoung has dreamed of ever since he's conceptualized his future in his childhood. The best studio, working with the best idol groups, with the potential to even choreograph. He'd be stupid not to take it.

And yet... it's Seokmin. Would he be able to give Seokmin up for it? Would he be able to hide it or keep it secret if they stay together? Probably not, considering the close tabs they keep on you; all the friends Soonyoung has that work at that studio have complained about how much attention they pay to you, and them finding out and kicking him out would be the end of Soonyoung's career.

If Seokmin wasn't in the picture, Soonyoung wouldn't think twice before taking the position, would give up being able to date over training and a few years with the studio. So when it comes down to it, it's his future, everything he's worked for all his life, and then Seokmin, who's made him be able to love for the first time.

It's not easy, but Soonyoung doesn't think it's really a decision.

And yet he can't get up. He can't lift himself from where he is, leaning on the back of the couch. Seokmin hears how he is quiet, probably, and comes to the living room, crouching down next to him. Soonyoung can't look at him.

"Everything okay, baby?"

"They want me to tour with an idol group."

"Oh, that's amazing! Why are you sad then?" Seokmin exclaims, excited for him.

"It starts in the next few weeks for like five months."

"Hmm that's okay though, you can freeze a semester. It will be okay, we can FaceTime a lot and I'll be here when you have breaks."

"Seokmin... they want us to break up. They can't take me if I'm in a relationship with a guy..." he says, blank, daring to look at him for the first time. Seokmin freezes.

"That's such bullshit... they can't do that! You said no, right?"

"I didn't answer them, they didn't let me."

"But you will say no?"

Pause.

"I don't think I should, Seokmin..."

That's it. It's the end. Seokmin doesn't speak for a while.

"You're... Are you serious?"

"I can't say no. This can kickstart everything like nothing else can. I'll just do the tour so I can make the connections and then quit working with them."

"So you're seriously going to give up who you are and everything you stand for like that? Are you serious Soonyoung?" he asks, and his voice is disbelieving, accusatory.

"I'm not going to let who I was born as change my dreams and my goals for the future. I can't afford to be an idealist," he says, starting to get a bit annoyed. Seokmin and he are different but he thought Seokmin understood that.

"It's not about being an idealist, it's about standing up for who you are!" Seokmin answers, his voice raising at Soonyoung.

"I am a gay person in this fucking country and I've known from the beginning I was going to have to give some things up to get to where I want, especially in the dance industry, and I've told you that so many times. I don't like it and if I'm a coward, so be it, but I can't afford to not be successful. If I don't start off on the right foot and with the right experience, I'll make it nowhere and I won't have anyone to keep me when I fail and I can't do anything else cause that's all I know how to do."

"So you're going to give it up? Give us up?" Seokmin asks, his eyes teary. Soonyoung hates himself, but this is his path, Seokmin knows it.

"It's five months. I... I don't like it, I really don't fucking like it and you know I love you, but understand."

"Don't pull that shit on me now," Seokmin says, anger rising in his voice. "If you have to do it, at least don't make me feel guilty. I might be an idealist, but when I love someone, I at least think about them and their feelings too."

"Why are you making me feel guilty about wanting to be something then?" he throws back at Seokmin because his anger is not warranted. "If you truly loved me too, you'd understand this is what I have to do and it's not a big deal. It's a short amount of time and if we're really meant to be, we'll get back together after."

"So it's that easy for you to give me up when it's convenient for you? I'm supposed to hit pause on my feelings for half a year then? Well, it's not that easy for me as it seems to be for you, like always!"

"We've been together for a few months. I love you and I want to be with you for much longer than this and I'm going to hurt so bad too, but this is important to me and I'd like you to understand," he shoots, fed up with this already. Seokmin is overreacting and he doesn't understand why.

"I do... I understand you. But that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed and I'll be here for you whenever you need me and I'll wait when you don't. Just take two seconds and think about how you're affecting me too."

Soonyoung does and... he gets it, but it's not like it's easy for him either, and he thought Seokmin would be more supportive of him.

"Why don't you think about me too then? About how I've worked all my life for this path and how I have a pretty sure chance at success and all it takes is a couple of months? I thought you'd be supportive of me because you know how much I worked for this and you know how I am."

Seokmin pauses, and all of a sudden, he starts crying, ugly sobs and tears sliding down his cheeks, and he doesn't even wipe it down. Soonyoung's heart aches to hug him, but he doesn't have the right.

"You don't see it..." he says, his voice breaking. "You didn't even say 'Hey, Seokmin, this is what they want me to do, what do you think? Would you be able to? Would you be okay? Would we be okay?' You just made this decision _by yourself_ about something we're in together, and then expected me to be completely fine with it even though I didn't even have a say in it?! You expected me to be able to just turn this on and off, put it on pause like it's a game, like it's nothing because you want to? You're right, I am a damn idealist and I wish you wouldn't do it, but I would have been able to compromise and understand because I know you're not and this is your dream, but you didn't even..." Seokmin pauses through shouting at Soonyoung, grinding his teeth to not let the tears fall. It fails. _"You didn't even ask me about it,"_ he says, voice small. It's the first time Soonyoung's seen him cry, and it's because of him.

"Seokmin..." he says, but there's nothing that comes out, nothing he can say. He's empty.

"No, it's too late. I don't want to hear apologies because I'm not supposed to tell you these things. You're supposed to think of me the same way I think of you," he says, and crouches down until they're eye level, looking at each other through teary eyes. "We've always supported each other when the other had issues or was insecure, but now... I don't blame you, I know it's how you are and it's your dream and I know you're rational but... if you can't even think of me in moments like these, when we're supposed to work through things together and not just support one another, I think it's better we stop it now anyway," he says, but it's obvious how much he hurts. He's trying to be strong, but Soonyoung sees he can't.

And yet, Soonyoung has nothing to say, can say nothing at this point, doesn't even deserve to. He can do nothing but grab at Seokmin's hand, tears falling down his own face, hoping he understands the apology. Truly, if Soonyoung can't even think of him, he deserves nothing but for Seokmin to leave him like this.

Seokmin grabs his bag, puts on his shoes.

"When you come back... let's talk then."

The door slams behind him like it always does. As quickly as they've started, they've ended, as simple as that. Soonyoung wishes he would be able to cry.

* * *

 

Three months later, and Soonyoung hasn't dared to respond to Seokmin's texts, nor everyone else's who are blaming him on one level or another. He's barely been able to think about everything through how busy he's been learning the dances, and he's thankful for that at least, otherwise, he wouldn't have known how to pass these last few months. His body has gone through the motions, learning the dances perfectly, and he's good enough to make up for the obvious lack of emotions he shows.

He didn't say goodbye to anyone but Jihoon, who saw him off but didn't forget to tell him what an idiot he is. Jeonghan refused to speak to him after one text full of poison he's received, and Seungkwan saw him on campus and shot him a look that could kill him on the spot if Seungkwan had that power, and everyone else seems to just enjoy telling him how big of a mistake he's made.

He knows, he knows he should have talked to Seokmin then and figured it out together, but in the end, his decision would've been the same anyway. He regrets the way he's gone around it, but he doesn't regret his decision; he figures he's one of a kind, perhaps, but it's always been hard for him to put anyone over his dreams, and even if he loves Seokmin, perhaps it wasn't there yet.

Seokmin's wished him good luck though, safe flights, to take care of himself, and boarding the plane to go to the US, the first time he's ever been on a plane and scared to death, Soonyoung thinks that if he dies in this damn airplane, would this be how everything should end?

So he texts Seokmin back, tells him thank you, to take care of himself too, that he loves him, because even through everything and his fucked up feelings, that much he knows is true. And then he puts his phone on airplane mode like he's been taught to, plays the collaborative playlist they've made a while ago, buries himself in the fuzzy sweater he's stolen from Seokmin, and tells himself that if he's made this choice, at least he's going to show all he has for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, first of all, I am halfway done with the first chapter of part 2, so this is in no means the end, so don't worry. 
> 
> Second, I guess life throws things at you when you don't expect them and when you're the happiest perhaps, and that was me both with the inspiration for this chapter and with what happens. I had intended part 1 to end in a completely different way, but then I realized I didn't like it... it didn't feel real and I felt like I would be cheating them off of realizing their true feelings. 
> 
> I've always tried to portray a healthy, equal relationship, but I honestly looked back and read everything and I realized that even if I wrote this from Soonyoung's perspective, it always felt like Seokmin loved Soonyoung way more than Soonyoung loved him, and Soonyoung was not capable of really getting Seokmin. Right from the title, which is 'come get this love from me' because I intended it to be Soonoung getting love from Seokmin, it is maybe because this is how I perceive their personalities to be in here or in general, of how Soonyoung was shaped by his past and how I framed that or the fact Seokmin pretends to be much more happier but opens up less, but it was like that, and I didn't want it to remain so. I wanted them to fight if they needed to, break up if they needed to so if they got back together, they could do it on a more equal ground; their relationship moved so fast that I don't think they really got to understand how the other person is, or how to manage their differences even.
> 
> I honestly relate so much to how I ended up portraying Soonyoung here because I am like that too, sometimes very rational and when I hurt people, I feel like they are too emotional and I am not at fault until they point out to me that I was careless with their feelings and I can rationalize what I did. So... I think he is at fault but he's not the only one, and I don't think he did it purposely. There is a lot of misunderstanding and they truly need time apart so that they can think about who they are and what they truly want.
> 
> So don't hate me... I fully intend to give them their happiness, but above all, I want it to be natural and to feel right, so I hope to see you in the next parts. Lots of love to you all and thank you!


End file.
